What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together we can stop this shit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ALizardKing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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My brother visited the cemetery today to see our mom. He walked up to her grave stone, closed his eyes and with a tear running down his cheek, said

Look who’s grounded now, mom.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sioswing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
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A woman goes to the doctor clutching her cheek...

The doctor asks β€œWhat’s the problem?” The woman removes her her hand to reveal an area of green grass with a tree growing out of the middle, with some people in deck chairs picnicking next to a small lake. β€œOh that’s nothing to worry about” said the doctor, β€œits just a beauty spot”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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What did one but cheek say to the other?

What's cracking?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GetOffMyLawn45
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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My wife and I were drinking wine last night, and she looked over to me and said: β€œWow... your cheeks get really red when you drink wine, it could be Rosacea.”

I looked back and her and naturally said: β€œ...actually it’s Cab.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dr00b
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek when the cops pulled them over?

β€œQuick. Hide the crack!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkpredator67
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I know a couple who has been through so much shit and is still together

I present to you my ass cheeks

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/giceman715
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caruano95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shimaxed
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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My wife was picking feathers off my sweater...

and turns to me and asked, "have you been cheating on me with a bird?"

So I look at her right in the eye and said, "I swear... It was just a peck on the cheek."

She almost kicked me out of the house.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2014
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I’ve reached peak Dad!

Went to the outdoor ice rink yesterday with my wife and son. Ran into our friend Rosy and her kids who were just leaving. Rosy said they had fun but were cold now so had to leave. I responded β€œyea you look cold. Your cheeks are...........rosy” cue my wife’s loud groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deep_6d
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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Dadjoked my wife last night in bed.

Post sexytimes laying in bed:

Me: Lay your head on my chest.

Her: Alright, why?

Me: I wanted to give you a pec on the cheek.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mitochondria420
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2015
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I need a pun for my science fair project from this

I'm doing a project that involves testing uv(a) rays on inside/outside cheek bacteria to see how much damage uv rays do. Thanks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/readditoveragain
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2017
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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This farmer had a prize show bull.

This bull had won best in show awards. Groomed daily, perfect stance, it was a great bull.

One day the farmer goes out and sees the bull has gone cross-eyed. This was going to ruin ant chance of future awards, so he called the livestock vet out.

The veterinarian gets there and examines the bull, realizes he's seen this happen before and grabs a narrow metal tube from the back of his truck.

He brings the tube over and jams the tip of it into the bulls hind end and proceeds to blow as hard as he can through the end of it.

The farmer looks at the bulls eyes as the vet is blowing into the bulls backside and says "it's working! I see his eyes straightening right up, keep doing it!"

The vet blows and blows his face and cheeks turning red and finally says, "I'm out of breath I can't do it anymore, his eyes are almost straight you'll have to finish"

The farmer comes over and grabs the tube, pulls it out, turns it around and puts it back in the other way, the vet stops him and says, "What on Earth are you doing?"

The farmer says, "Well I don't want to put my mouth on the same end you did!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amd20555
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
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My friend has a wooden eye

We were in high school and it was that time of year where the pupils are looking for prom dates.

Anyways, there is this girl, Iris, that goes there that was also date-less who had a hair-lip (cleft palette) and hoping to hear from my friend.

He walks up to her, and says, "Iris, would you like to go to prom with me?"

Iris was so excited, her cheeks flushed, a smile burst forth and she exclaims, "Would I?! Would I?!......"

My friend gets pissed and jabs his finger towards her as tears start streaming down one side of his face and he's yells, "HAIR-LIP! HAIR LIP!" And runs away bawling his eye out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2017
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I got my girlfriend with one I'm proud of

I sent my girlfriend a picture of my ass at work today and she liked it so much she joked about going up to her boss about giving in her two weeks notice. I said that she should show her boss the picture and claim it was her "two cheeks notice". I'm really bad at telling jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/umbraviscus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2015
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My Hairstylist Must Be A Great Father

We were discussing his life and why he moved to the city he's in now, so I asked:

Me: "So what brought you down here?"

Stylist: "My car!"

Needless to say, he stopped cutting my hair and took that moment to grin cheek to cheek.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountFapula69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2014
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Dad joked my sister after she voted yesterday

I walked in the house after work yesterday and my sister was wearing her "I voted!" sticker on her cheek. I said to her, "You voted!" and she sarcastically replied, "How could you tell?"

"It's written all over your face!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thekokirikid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2014
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Dadjoke in Game of Thrones Book

Quote from "A Feast for Crows," between Arya Stark and a guy known only as the kindly man at this point in the book:

β€œWill you show me how to change my face?”

β€œIf you wish.” He cupped her chin in his hand and turned her head. β€œPuff up your cheeks and stick out your tongue.”

Arya puffed up her cheeks and stuck out her tongue.

β€œThere. Your face is changed.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youssarian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2014
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"You know what burns my ass?"

<holds had out to the side, palm down, low butt-cheek level>

Flame, 'bout this high.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2014
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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

Between you and me, something stinks!

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youworryaboutyou
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together we can stop this shit

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/camilodmoreno
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this shit.

πŸ‘︎ 122
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyesboyee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

Together we can stop this shit!

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/detrickster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?

"If we stick together we can stop this shit!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shredbmc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

If we stick together we can stop this crap!

πŸ‘︎ 247
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrofessorBroDown
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2016
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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

You cracked me up.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jessiefok28
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Nothing...it just cracked.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

We can stop this shit together

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EdGacey
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2017
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What did the right butt cheek say to the left butt cheek?

If we stick together we can put a stop to this shit

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ecudorian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
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