Card Reading Puns

She's making a fortune

Because they kept trying to read between the lines

I prefer the term “four-chin teller“.

I told them the card machine must be a teenager.

Oh how we laughed and laughed.

The waitress went up to the customer and said, "Hey, I'm sorry about this but for some reason your card didn't read, I'm going to need your card again."

I overheard this from behind the bar and said, "Amber, it's the middle of the summer, why in the world would this guy have his cardigan."

That was the first and only time I ever got a tip from a guy I never served or talked to.

To start, I’m a pretty big dude and sweat easily. At home, I have a big tower fan aimed at me 24/7. My wife hates the fan and it’s often a topic of “discussion”.

This morning, my wife gave me the heads up that my 7 yo son’s card was all his idea.

The card he made had a very detailed drawing of my tower fan on the front. I looked at it confusedly and opened it up to read:

“Dad, you are FANtastic!”

Best Father’s Day ever.

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with letters "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z" Optician: "Can you read this?" "Read it?" the Polish man replied, "I know the guy!"

I read in the North Pole News that Santa didn't allow Rudolf to lead the team this year. Santa got Rudolf's report card last week. It seems that Rudolf's grades went from B's to D's this semester. Yes - Rudolf really DID go down in history!

I was eating Biscoff cookie spread last night for desert.

my wife, (reading the jar of biscoff): "European cookie spread"

me (thinking I'd dadjoke her): "no I'm not!"

my wife (playing the trump card): "not now, but you will be later tonight"

I gave her a high five.

Me, reading from Christmas card: "Dedicated to all those who have passed this year."

Dad, nodding in agreement: It's good to recognize those with a C-average, at least.

Whenever my dad is paying with his credit card, he waits until the machine reads accepted and says, "Thank goodness it works, I just found it in the parking lot."

My roommate was comparing two SD memory cards last night. He uses them for GoPro cameras for racing. He observed aloud that there was a 50MB difference in their read speeds. I chimed in, "But you're not interested in read speed, write?" You know it's bad when you have to explain the joke..

I was ringing out a son and father at the register. I tell him his total is "seven forty seven" and the father replies "I didn't buy a plane!" and looks at his son to get a quick laugh, but his son wasn't having any of it. Meanwhile, I'm trying to hold my laughter because i know this is a typical dad joke. But that's not the best part.

He swipes his credit card and reads the credit card reader out loud, "Sign Below". He ends up writing "BELOW" as his signature and says out loud to me and his son "It told me to sign 'Below' and so I did". His son responds with "Dad you are so embarrassing" and I'm chuckling out loud cuz I've never seen anyone do that the 3 years I've worked there lol

TL;DR Dad writes "Below" as his signature because he took it literally as any days would.

My friend and I were playing Magic The Gathering (Card game), and we were talking about our previous games at a tournament that just happened couple days prior. He told me he lost a game due to a little mistake.

His exact words were "Man, I was so stupid. I mis-read it" I replied with "Well, if you mis-read it, theres a computer behind you." My friend then groaned... looked at me, and shook his head, while i laughed at my own joke.

ba dum, tsh!

1. You will need a few small pieces of paper or 'cards'. Write down a short sentence on each piece starting with a large font and slowly decreasing it as you go. The last piece should have "I can't see" and all of them should be legible from a short distance. Print if you must!
2. Find a victim friend/child and tell them you have read about an eye test on the internet that you can do at home which will provide an estimate to your eyesight and that you wish to try it on them.
3. Chances are they will agree. If they're embarrassed their eyesight is bad or similar convince them it doesn't matter. If they are wearing glasses you can ask them to take them off to make your story seem more authentic. Stand a bit away from target (the distance you stand from said person should be enough so they can read all your cards so alter according to their eyesight)
4. Slowly reveal each card and ask your subject to read them out aloud.
5. When you reach your final card and they read it out, if they don't suspect anything/get the joke move the card closer and closer until they finally understand.Remember a joke is funnier if you don't tell them, so give them some time to think about what happened! Actions such as slapping your leg, laughing wildly or bashing your fist on the table can help them understand. This is not an actual eyesight test! and use this prank appropriately.