It wooden start.
Because it gives them a Brach-ache-and-a-saurass.
Podcasts.
It was a used and fairly old car, so it was a little smelly...
Dad: So how many horse power does this car have?
Me: About 250, why?
Dad: I think one of them died.
Because they were in a RUFF part of town!
While driving in the car listening to 60's - 70's rock radio station
Led Zeppelin, ACDC, Foghat etc. would come on and my Dad would immediately start singing. Somewhere down the line he blatantly screws up the lyrics loud enough for all of us to hear and would say...
Smacking the drivers wheel "Damn, I really hate when the radio stations mess up the lyrics like that"
Dad: "Uh oh, the cows are all lying down, you know what that means!" Victim: "It's going to rain?" Dad: "No...they're tired."
My Dad drove a full 9 hour car ride with me from Virginia to Georgia
Me: I'm tired. I didn't get any sleep during the ride
Dad: I DID!
My family was in the car for several hours and my younger sister says"Dad I can't hold it" My dad replies "Hold what?" Sister "My pee, can we stop" Dad "me either it just slips through my fingers" wow
>Dad: We just ran over a dickfer. >Me: What's a dickfer? >Dad: Peein'
Us: Are we almost there?
Dad: Yup! Put your shoes on, sit by the door!
"To hell, cause we couldn't change our ways."
Every time.
This is my first Dad Joke I have ever done! We were driving home after a trip to Costco and my Mother points out a Cosmo Booth (Glamour shot Photo booth) outside. Mom: Look at that Cosmo Booth! Do you want a picture taken Brother? Brother: What's a Cosmo Boot? Me: Its like Moon Boots only bigger. Only me and my Mother laughed. Everyone else didn't get the joke!
My sister had her phone charging in the front seat, she was sitting in the back with me and my brother.
Sister- "Dad can I see my phone?"
Dad- Holds phone up
"Dad? Where are we going?"
"Insane." Then he grins like an asshole and laughs.
It wasn't all bad though, I love grilled fish.
Only if he’s a good conductor.
Wheeeeeeee-ls
I said that can't be right because he still doesn't have any body with him.
I said "It's a good job to stick with... Just making a point..."
Me: "No, you're in the left lane." Her: side eye
We pass a corvette that has veteran plates and my dad says, "Of course he is driving a corvette, he is a corps vet."
I just gave him the ol' grin and eye roll
I'm in the car with my dad and roll down the window saying "It's muggy in here!" He responds with, "Just like Central Park. It's also robby and stabby."
My sister was showing me some pictures of her prom-dress. I said it looked like something out of game of thrones, but she didn't agree.
Me: "Oh well, it's not like I know that much about dresses anyways."
Dad, from behind the wheel: "As long as you know how to UNZIP THEM!!"
I high fived him and my mother and sister looked disgusted.
These days everyone drives cars and only the rich own horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.
As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.
Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.
Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.
We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."
He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.
Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....
Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.
Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"
Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.
He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."
He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"
Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡A peach hobbler.
(This is an original as far as I can tell. Made it up years ago on a car ride across the US with the family. Kids are in college now but still enjoy it.)
This past weekend I got a new car, a Saab. My therapist and I were chatting about it, and then he hit me with this one:
Me: Nobody could give me a ride to the dealership, so I had to get my Saab a full week after I had originally planned to.
Him: Oh no, not another one of your Saab stories...
So yesterday I found a toy car in the freezer that my 1 year old son had put there. In telling my wife the story I told her that I was disappointed that it was a car, since: if it was a shoe I could say it was cold feet, and if it was a phone he was trying to cold call someone.
My wife, completely deadpan, responds:
"He was looking for a cool ride"
So my wife and eldest daughter are in the dining room and I’m in the kitchen. They are talking about parking a car at school, and getting the ticket that allows this from the office. I step into the room:
Me: “You guys are talking about a ticket to park?”
Kid: “Yeah”
Me: “But I thought Paul McCartney said it was a ticket to ride...”
Wife: “Shut up dear”
I look at the kid and point to my wife:
“She don’t care.....”
My dad is a police officer and I was on a ride-along with him. He and his partner arrested a guy for shoplifting. As the perp, whose name is "Unique," is sitting in the back of the car, my dad walks up, looks at me smiling, and says to the suspect "how do you catch a unique criminal? Unique up on em!" He and his partner laughed and high-fived, then just shut the door.
So my grandfather is on his honeymoon with our grandmother and they are driving to Las Vegas, on their way there they see a fellow on the side of the road. They debate about taking him to the city instead of leaving him there, the end up letting him get a ride to the city, they say "Hey sir, want a ride to the city?" He replies "sure thanks", they drive down the road and notice he has a bag, so they ask " what's in the bag?" He replies with "None of your damn business" they start to think in their heads, what if he has something illegal or dangerous, so my grandfather takes action, he goes to the side of the road and pretends to fake piss and opens the door and my grandmother kicks him out and my grandfather gets back in locks the door and they speed off, as they're driving they notice he left his back and dropped it in the car, they decide to open and see what it beholds, they open the bag and find a single piece of paper, the paper had wording on it, it said "None of your damn business."
Riding in a car
Dad- "hey look over there it's a flock of cows"
Kid- "you mean herd of cows"
Dad- "yeah I've heard of cows, there's a flock over there!"
on any unexpected car ride
Me: "Dad, where are we going?"
Dad: "Crazy. Want to come along?" looks over and laughs manically.
Me: "UUUUGGGGHHH
Im pulling out of a parking spot, with my wife in the back with my toddler son.
Me: Do you see any cars?
Wife: No
Me: Then what are we riding in?!
Wife: You are trying my patience
I was riding with my coworker today and we passed by a car with the license plate of "Wanda3". I comment wondering where Wanda1 and 2 are.
My coworker leans over and says: "I wanda"
groan
we spent the car ride home talking about the famous world runners and their impressive times and such. When we got home my dad said:
Dad: "You know I'm actually a record holder myself"
Me: "Wait really? In what event?"
Dad runs downstairs and comes back up with the biggest grin on his face, and holding a box of vinyl records
Namaste home.
Riding in the car with dad and I decide to tell him a joke (I know a lot of people have heard it before).
Me: If I was a DJ I'd be DJ Enzyme cause I like to break it down!
Dad: Well I'd be DJ Photon.
Me: Whaaaaaat?
Dad: Cause I like to light it up!
Me: Can I get a ride to buy food?
Dad: We didn't buy you a new car for nothing. Go use it.
Me: Really?! What'd you get me
Dad: A brand new ChevroLEGS.
Me: facepalm
