Car Mechanics Puns

Braking Bad!

They never check under the hood.

You know, just some idle banter.

Car-patch-io

Because he has to wake up very “oily” in the morning.

It worked out though. It turns out all I had to do was close all the windows and restart.

...it's a tankless job.

He told me it was just tired

That's jacked up.

It can be exhausting work.

Spoiler

He woke up oily in the morning.

But I told them I wanted it to drive

He told me he really wants a pay rise but his supervisor can't review his performance without a working car-boo-rator.

An Audi

Automan

Me: Iron Man dies at the end.

He ordered vanilla ice cream and gobbles it down before going back to the mechanic.

Mechanic: It looks like you blew a seal.

Penguin: Ah no that’s just ice cream.

He replied, “Probably because it doesn’t know all the lyrics.”

Didn't know where to post this; but since it's Father's Day, I wanted to tell you all about a little family tradition that started because Dad, is Dad.

18 years ago (Not about, trust me, I know this one to the date) I was over Dad's house and I needed a wrench, and coming from a long line of mechanics, I knew he's have one available as I didn't have my kit in my car, so I asked to borrow one.

Dad of course said yes, handed me the mechanic's tool box, and just out of habit, I opened it and immediately noticed that a Craftman's 7/16, ratchet-end wrench was missing.

Again, I come from a LONG line of mechanics; every tool has its place, be it in a drawer, box or outlined on a peg board, and I thought it was weird that Dad lost a wrench out of the spare / house tool kit.

"You're missing a 7/16." I pointed out, showing him the missing slot.

Now Dad, being Dad, just had to bust on me a bit, so looking me dead in the eyes and beaming a huge smile he responded: "It was there when I gave it to you."

Mind you, I hadn't left the kitchen. I hadn't so much as shifted my FEET. I knew he was lying, he knew he was lying, but it had been ingrained in me since childhood that losing a tool is a death sentence.

Now, I knew he was busting my balls and I let it go; but from that day forward, anytime we needed something, he'd make a comment like "Sure wish I had that 7/16th wrench that Coyote lost." or "You know what would fix it? That missing 7/16th wrench."

This went on for MONTHS. So one day, he made the usual "tease me for losing a tool" comment and I warned him. I looked him in the eyes and said:

"Say it ONE more time old man, and you're going to get that wrench every Birthday, Father's Day and Christmas for the rest of your natural life."

Few hours passed, I asked him to hand me a tool and he said: "I can't you lost it, remember?"

I laughed, and played it off -but it was on...and that was 18 years ago.

Today, being Father's day, he just received his 52nd craftsman's ratchet-end, 7/16th wrench.

Since that day, he's tried telling me that he knows that I didn't lose it, (I knew that already) that I don't need to buy it (Oh, I fucking DO.), and he's occasionally tried to say it was a different size or item to get a different present, but we both know that's not happening.

They're everywhere. Every coffee can, junk drawer, cabinet, tool box, peg board or spare nail in the house and garage contains a Craftsman's 7/16 ratchet end wrench. You know how they say you'r

It replied "no thanks, I've just retired."

It looked exhausting

I’d love to say they did a good job, but it feels like it’s really braking.

He was tireless.

I never knew this is what he meant when he said he was retiring.

He pulls to the side of the road, and his son asks him “what’s wrong with the car, dad?” “I don’t know, son. I just had it at the mechanic and everything was fine.” He sits and thinks for a moment. “Oh, I know! Pull my finger, son!” The son pulls his dad’s finger. Nothing happens. “Just as I thought. I’m out of gas!”

Beep repaired!

Brother: It would be crazy if they didn't label keys by their owner's car. How would they know which key belonged to which car?

Dad: It would be anarchy.

Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?

Me: Car?

3 Engineers (1 chemical, 1 mechanical, 1 electrical) are carpooling with the IT guy from their firm. At the end of the day, the IT guy puts the key in, turns it, and … nothing …. The Mechanical Engineer says‘it’s the starter’, the Chemical Engineer says ‘the electrolyte in the battery has gone bad’, the Electrical Engineer says ‘probably a loose wire’. They begin arguing, and the IT guy says… ‘Guys, just calm down, let’s all get out of the car, and then get back in’

He replied "that's a good trade"

Driving my mother around the kind of shady part of my neighborhood to get to bedbathandbeyond, and she notices all the body shops sprinkled everywhere.

She asks, "why are there so many mechanics out here?"

Then I go, "because when people have car problems, they always check the hood first."

my mom didn't get it :[

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1   - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2   - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3   - Half the people you know are below average.

4   - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6   - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7   - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8   - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9   - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

I bought a 2004 VW Beetle Turbo a few months ago. While driving down the road, I heard a sort of mechanical shifting sound whenever I went over 45 MPH. I didn't think anything of it at first, but it continued every single time. I finally turned to Google to make sure my car wasn't broken. Found out that the Turbo models have a hidden spoiler at the top of the rear windshield that pops out at high speeds.

Relaying the story to my friend later, I told her, "I guess the dealership should have given me a....spoiler alert."

Dora and Diego travel to the Pacific Northwest in the middle of winter. Suddenly they realise that there is a problem with their car, so they quickly pull into a nearby garage. The mechanic comes out and asks them "so what's wrong with your car?" Dora replies:

"Wiper no Wiping!!"

She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "as long as I can sell the car."

"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

I immediately thought it was the best idea to check if at least the engine was still able to run before deciding to get a mechanic to assess the situation. I put the key in and gave it a go but I got nothing

I guess the car was two tired.

I got handed a screw and said "Where's the car?" The mechanic said "That right there sums up the rest of it, screwed."

I pulled my car over on my way home today because it started smoking (I cracked a head gasket) so I called my grandpa because he is the mechanic of my family and he only lives a mile from where I pulled over.

I told him that my car was smoking and I needed his help to find out what was wrong with it.

"It's probably peer pressure, make it smoke the rest of the pack and see how it likes it then"

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, “I bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.

Edit: the lack of attention sure is disheartening.

Q: Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? A: He wanted to wake up oily in the morning.

Q: What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take? A: Coffin medicine.

Q: What animals need oiling? A: Mice, because they squeak.

Q: How does Jack Frost get to work? A: By icicles.

Q: What do hedgehogs have for lunch? A: Prickled onions.

Q: What lies in a pram and wobbles? A: A jelly-baby.

I take my car to a German mechanic every once in awhile to get my car fixed, he's never changed his prices and always gets the job done properly and promptly. He also gives out free bread after every repair. I was having a conversation with my wife..

Wife: Where are you taking the car?

Me: To my usual mechanic

Wife: Where is that?

Me: The German guy

Wife: lol, the bread guy?

Me. Well yeah, he's the rye guy for the job.

Haven't heard from my wife for a few hours.

He woke up oily in the morning