Car Jokes Puns

My son looks at me and says, “you know I’m blind right?” Me being me said “Exactly”

Bear with me.

Me: well that Hertz :’(

A toy Yoda

But it was exhausting

But I won't tell you because none wheel like it

Last night I had a dream I was a muffler I woke up and was exhausted

I bought a 2004 VW Beetle Turbo a few months ago. While driving down the road, I heard a sort of mechanical shifting sound whenever I went over 45 MPH. I didn't think anything of it at first, but it continued every single time. I finally turned to Google to make sure my car wasn't broken. Found out that the Turbo models have a hidden spoiler at the top of the rear windshield that pops out at high speeds.

Relaying the story to my friend later, I told her, "I guess the dealership should have given me a....spoiler alert."

Riding in the car with dad and I decide to tell him a joke (I know a lot of people have heard it before).

Me: If I was a DJ I'd be DJ Enzyme cause I like to break it down!

Dad: Well I'd be DJ Photon.

Me: Whaaaaaat?

Dad: Cause I like to light it up!

Son: “what kind of bear never gets hot?” ... Son: “-a kool..alla “

Daughter: “what do you call a witch you’ve never met?” ... Daughter: “hermione stranger”

Wife: “what do you call a squishy collection of domiciles?” ... Wife: “mush room”

Daughter: “what do you call a Canadian cow?” ... Daughter: “moooooose”

Me: “what beverage do you get when you remove a baby cow from its Mom?” ... Me: “decalf”

I also submitted my joke about the earthquake, like a letter gone international (it’s in another post) or a wayward string gone rogue (in another thread)

I have the best family.

I’m neutral about them.

"So there is pontiac. Porsche. Packard.. You know what a Packard is, dont ya? Or is that a little before your time? How old are you? So you know what it is then, right?" So he sets up the joke incorrectly by not giving me a chance to name any. But to him, this joke is SO funny, there is no way to make it unfunny. ".. well none of them because they all start with gas." Then he turns and acts like he is about to walk out of the store, like he dropped the proverbial mic. So I feign a half smile & say "yep. Gas. Thats a good one."

But sadly it did not gain any traction.

These are some of the practical jokes my dad would do while driving to "entertain" us:

1. Driving slow next to a jogger, turning down the window and asking "You seem to be in a hurry. Need a lift?" I would usually hide under a seat in shame.

2. On a hot day in a car without AC, he'd use the standard question "Hot enough for everyone?" which just gave him groans and a loud "yes". - "Well, in this case I can turn down the thermostat again". (Of course, he'd just been turning it up right before his question without anyone noticing)

3. Instead of driving right in a roundabout and taking the third exit, he'd drive left and take the first "to save gas", creeping the shit out of everyone. This was out on the countryside with no cars anywhere to be seen.

Any other stories you guys have?

What happened was, we were crossing an intersection and the car said, "Stop me if you've heard this one."

Him: What's Adele's favorite number?

Me: I don't know, 25?

Him: No, 0.7734

(he was playing with a calculator at the time)

My Dad drove a full 9 hour car ride with me from Virginia to Georgia

Me: I'm tired. I didn't get any sleep during the ride

Dad: I DID!

So my grandad came over to visit recently and my dad asked him what his favourite pub in the area was. He answered "Oh I can't remember the name. It's the one where you go towards Chard and turn left by the Feathers and keep going down that road until you see it on your right."

I know the area pretty well but there is no place I know of called 'The Feathers' so I asked him "Where's the feathers?"

He replied "Around the duck's bottom."

So we walk into a car shop to get some wiper blades and go up to the cashier's desk to ask for help. The cashier asks as a joke whether dad broke his computer (I guess it wasn't working? ). Dad responds "I've been told I have a magnetic personality". Brilliant.

Us: Are we almost there?

Dad: Yup! Put your shoes on, sit by the door!

dad:what's the last thing that went through the fly's mind when it hit the window? me: what? dad: it's ass