A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.

"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"

"Why?" the boy replied.

"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"

The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/winklesnad31
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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Asked my 2 and a half year old what he wanted his name to be.

He pointed to the coffee table where we have a bag of candy and said "M&M!!!"

Guess I have to call him Slim Shady from now on...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatguy3495
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.

I told her I would try flowers and candy.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Which food has a two letter name?

Candy.

Its name is made up of C and Y

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πŸ‘€︎ u/math355
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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I refuse to vote for anyone in the dried fruit competition.

There aren't any good candied-dates.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ApologeticKid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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My boss at the movie theatre asked me why I haven't sold any M&M's

I told him it's not my fault they're hard-sell candy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashindabank
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Got my girlfriend with this earlier

we're heading through grocery store checkout. She looks over at the candies and says

"Ooh! Mentos!"

"I already have Mentos."

"Really? Where?"

"On my men feet!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sauron1209
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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A Martial Artist is outside on Halloween.

Kid: that’s a big bowl of candy mister!

MA: Yeah, but you can only taekwondo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tylerjk01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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Request for pun help.

Hi everyone.

I don't know if this is allowed but I'm running out of ideas. I'm trying to make puns dealing with candies relating to the words "Leadership", "Service", and either "Fellowship" or "friendship". I figured this is the place of experts and hoped you could provide me with a solution. I'm planning on using this for big little reveal in my fraternity.

Thanks again ahead of time!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkecojaj
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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There's a new machine at the gym, it does absolutely everything

Soft drinks, potato chips, chocolate cookies and candy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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You know what makes cents? Bathroom stall vending machines.

Everybody loves John Candy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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I love chocolate

Hard candy is for suckers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bandito210
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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My girlfriend thought this wasn't funny, but I disagree.

We were going through the Halloween candy picking out what we want to keep and what we are going to donate. She found a little box of nerds and said she was going to keep them for my oldest daughter because she likes nerds. I replied proudly "I'd rather have her like nerds instead of jocks!." I laughed, she groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bugeyetex
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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My 5 y/o dadjoked me

Son: This candy taste like life.

Me: What?

Son : Because it is hard.

I have no idea where he got that concept from.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2015
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg

A candy cane

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kajmari
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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My girlfriend's dad on Halloween

He dressed up to give out candy, and every time he opened to door, the family's small dog would run up behind him to investigate. Every time a Trick-or-treater looked at the dog he would ask "How do you like my cat's Halloween costume?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mookowz7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2013
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My ten year old told me this joke this afternoon....and she’s a girl.

What do you call candy that has been stolen?

Hot chocolate!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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I saw this witch picking her feet.

I got to thinking,that must be where candy corn comes from.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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My classmates in medical school said he found the cure for obesity.

He won't tell me what it is, but he insists it's as easy as taking candy from a baby.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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So, my youngest son was pestering me for candy at Party City one Halloween...

I gently told him "No" at least 6 times, and finally we were at the register. My wife was checking us out, and he asks again.

Me: "Son, if you ask for one more piece of candy, I'm going to go back in time and take away the candy you had yesterday."

He stopped asking.

My oldest son looks at me defiantly and says, "Okay, do it to me!"

{ thinks for a second }

Me: "Fine. Do you remember that Snickers bar you had yesterday?"

Oldest looks confused and says, "What?? I didn't have a Snickers bar yesterday!"

Me: "Exactly."

I pat him on the back as he processes, and we exit the store.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/denzien
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
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Need candy puns for a short film!

Basically, the short is about a gingerbread man who is addicted to sugar. He goes to a Sugarholics Anonymous meeting and there are motivational posters on the wall:

Donut Give Up! Yes You Candy!

... Looking for more ideas, and figured you guys are the people to ask. Donut let me down!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SSCC88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
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I may have found the one...

So this girl I’ve been seeing for a while was at my place. She made a comment about how difficult a dogs life must be... I said β€œyea, it’s a rough life!” And proceeded to make three or four mor dog puns.

She walks to the Christmas tree, grabs a candy cane and throws it at me (all with a straight face).

Thinking she was mad, I asked what that was for.

She looks up, smiles, and says β€œIt was your punish-mint.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_JEThompson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2017
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Clowning around!

My dad once asked me why we dont eat Clowns. I looked at him like he was growing horns out of his head and thought about pennywise and cotton candy...for some reason. After a moment of staring I noticed the slight grin forming on his face so I obliged and said I dont know...

He replied

Because they taste funny!

www.theuppersideofaverage.com

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dwtxranger
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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I have tight too diabetes

I've been eating a lot of candy and when I put any clothes on I say "these are tight too!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CudaRavage
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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I just found out the difference between candy in the US and candy in Sweden

Candy here (US) is sweet, while candy over there is sweet-ish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ngabear
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
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Dad jokes galore: Candy company settles with mid-Missouri man over underfilled boxes

A settlement has been reached in one of the sweetest lawsuits ever to be filed in federal court, but details of the payday are under wrappers.

Daryl White Jr. of Belle, Missouri, didn’t sugar coat his anger about paying a dollar apiece for boxes of Mike and Ikes and Hot Tamales that were only two-thirds full. Determined not to be a sucker, he hired counsel and paid the U.S. District Court Western District of Missouri a $400 filing fee to sue Just Born Inc., the candymaker’s parent company, for alleged deceptive advertising and unjust enrichment.

SOURCE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/missourijake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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Candy Baking

It’s all about temperature. You gotta find the sweet spot on the candy thermometer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmart029
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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Easter candy joke on unsuspecting clerk.

I was checking out at the dollar with a Sprite, some chocolate Bunnie candies and cream eggs yesterday. As I approach the counter, the dude asks me if I found everything alright.

I pause for a moment, think about it, and say to him.

"So, I see you guys have the Easter candy out. Any idea on when you'll have in the Wester candy?"

The dude thought about it seriously for a second, then he got it. He looks dead at me as I'm sure I had the dumbest smile on my face, groans and starts laughing too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XxBayouWolfxX
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2016
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Walking through the garden section in Lowes

Step daughter " These rocks smell the candy."

Me "Would you say they smell like rock candy?"

Her facial expression was priceless

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JelloVV
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
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So my Dad just dropped this one on me...

My Dad has been staying with me for the past few days because his heat went out and I don't want him to become a dadscicle, and I've been up to my armpits in Dad jokes. This one was especially good, I thought.

Dad: "I'm going to run down to the gas station, do you need anything?"

Me: "No, I'm fine."

Dad: "Candy bar?"

Me: "Nope, I'm good."

Dad: "Henway?"

Me: "What's a henway?"

Dad: "Oh, about 3 and half pounds."

Groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smartzie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked anyone who gave the kid Halloween candy

When they answered the door to give him candy, I had him say "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" or "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" and "I'm allergic to candy, do you have any sardines?"

He also stood facing away from the door for some.

He got a lot of laughs, a door slammed in his face and an offer for spicy mustard sardines.

Video: Halloween dad joke: http://youtu.be/Mp3IBlZnfFw (Forgive the vertical. I was trying to be discrete so not to contaminate the proceedings.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rasalom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
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What is a sweet treat that contributes to candida?

candy. duh...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ihatepalmtrees
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
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Halloween Puns

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.


Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!


Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!


For Halloween I’m going to write β€œLife” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers


This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues


β€œHalloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.


Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!


I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!


When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day


What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!


What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood


What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A β€œhollow-weenie!”


Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).


How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.



I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,


Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, β€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, β€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.


The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.


I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.


I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.


Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.


What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!


What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)


Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.


What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!


What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi


What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!


What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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FIRST reddit post! Best/worst dad joke ever

Dad hands me a candy, me: "Wonderful!"

Dad hands me another candy, dad: "Two-derful!"

This just happened. Help.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/comehereiloveyou
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2015
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I need candy puns

Please give me puns I can quickly shout while walking through the hallway and chucking candy after screaming the pun. Preferably candy you would get on Halloween. Thank you for helping me out.

You are Musketeers of my heart.

.............

i hate myself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/energized-pickle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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What kind of candy comes from feet?

Candy corns

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eliza_Swain
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report

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