Not your normal format, but I have to share as I am pretty proud

For context I work in a prison as a nurse. The other nurses were looking up charges for one of the inmates and hes in for capital murder. One of the nurses asks, "Whats the difference between capital murder and just murder anyway?" to which I was quick to say "usually a bigger M"

I guess Ive been a dad too long now that it comes natural

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πŸ‘€︎ u/proygratoke
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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The Texas state Aquarium taught a crow to play connect four, too bad they didn't teach it Clue...

I bet it would murder the game.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RufusMoray
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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i was training in the military, and our instructor told us to fire at will.

few months later, i was court marshalled for murdering a superior by the name of "drill sergeant will"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdalgarDietbitch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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What do you call two crows?

Attempted murder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaystibelman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.

He was charged with attempted murder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brainsonastick
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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What degree are you going for?

My first degree is computer science, but I'm also going for second degree murder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FabuPineapple
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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I am scared whenever I see a group of crows nearby.

Wherever they are, there is a murder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/abionic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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We need help naming some murderous cats.

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sveil96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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What is the sentencing when you get caught hunting illegally?

Murder in the first deergree

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Urinal-Cake2113
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Typing in all lowercase...

should be capital murder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arc-ion
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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4 prisoners are telling each other what they were convicted for

The First man says: I committed 2nd degree murder

The Second says: I committed: 1st degree assault

The Third says: I committed 1st degree possession of drugs

The Fourth man simply says: Arson

The Second man asks him: What degree was it?

The Fourth man responds: I'm not sure, it was pretty hot though. About 525 Celsius-ish

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsectNation1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriezaAndHoushi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Owl to cop: β€œI’d like to report an incident..”

Cop: Giggling β€œDo you know HOO dunnit?” Owl: β€œSir, eight people were murdered” Cop: O_O

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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A man was killed with only a stick of deodorant

It was the first Degree murder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MitchOnTheMic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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Two crows land on a park bench.

They were arrested for conspiring to murder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/codenewt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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Do you guys want to know what I put in the wooden box I made and threw in the ocean?

Never mind it’s a sea-crate....

(I made this up please don’t murder me)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DubsAli
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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What do you call a killing before yoga practice?

A pre-meditated murder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pittybrave
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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What do you call a big weight loss?

A mass murder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VintageDavis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the avid bird hunter do?

Murder most fowl

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stupidlyugly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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A necklace got arrested recently

It was an accessory to murder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Syr_Lead
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Once I stayed in a crows ridden area...

it was easy to see a murder there daily.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/abionic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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If a group of crows is called a murder of crows...

does that mean 2 or 3 would be an attempted murder?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SchroederActual
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Why won't the bird defense attorney speak to more than one crow at a time?

Because anything more than one is murder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeslaFan900
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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Police officer informs a wife that her husbund has been found drowned in a vat of beer.

The wife said "was it murder"? The officer said "no madam it was suicide" The wife said how" can you tell"? The police said - "On the cctv your husbund climbed out of the vat 5 times for a pee!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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I thought I witnessed a murder today

I only counted 2 crows though, so I guess it was really an attempted murder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samuelmercanti
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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I stole seven crows yesterday.

Got away with murder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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I stumbled/fell on my way up the stairs today.

Girlfriends reaction "OMG did you hurt yourself?"

"No, but I felt the gravity of the situation"

Her response was attempted murder by trying to push me down the stairs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hitno
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire

Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hpbojoe
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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My sons a vegetarian

My wife and son are vegetarians, but I eat meat. One day, my son try’s to eat some of the chicken off my plate and my wife says β€œNo sons name That’s a dead bird. We don’t eat dead birds”.

I reply β€œshe’s right Son, it’s a murder most fowl”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jgould408
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What's it called when a Tibetan monk wants to kill a colleague, but needs spiritual preparation first?

A premeditated murder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrotherTausil
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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What do you call it when a bunch of crows kill themselves?

A murder suicide case

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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My friend was attacked by a huge swarm of angry crows

The police think it was a murder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItalianMJ
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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I stole this girl's heart

I was arrested shortly after for murder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mystic_Frost69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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So, if you destroy a church,

Are you a mass murderer?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ducki_momo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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I’m developing a comic series, and I need a short pun as the title.

This is about a school janitor who murders children at the school he works at, and I’m looking for either a pun about cleaning or a pun that can somehow tie in murder/violence with cleaning in some way. Strange request, I know.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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Did you hear about the guy that got pecked to death by a chicken?

It was a murder most fowl

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fukurslf
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Two police officers were investigating a murder scene.

They stumble upon a humanoid cement figure.

Officer 1: "Sir, we've found all the evidence we need to prove that this is the murderer's house."

Officer 2: "Why would anyone believe that this is evidence?"

Officer 1: "It's concrete."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brawl_nOyOu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a group of crows hanging out at the dump

It was a murder most fowl!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/herdertree
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Need a punny title for my screenplay

Hola. I need a punny title for the screenplay. Its a murder mystery type situation but its set in a university halls and instead of a murder, they're investigating the theft of a chicken Kiev from a shared kitchen. go crazy guys!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/laurencethomas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call two crows flying together

An attempted murder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call two crows sitting on a bench?

Attempted murder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wspoons5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The Ultimate Pun

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call two crows sitting together?

An attempted murder.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DocDerz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report

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