A list of puns related to "Bud Abbott"
Lou Costello: Thereās only one problem with our romance; Sheās penny wise.
Bud Abbott: Marilynās penny wise?
Lou Costello: Yeah, I aināt got a penny and sheās wise to it!
(From Abbott and CostelloāsĀ radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if Iād have been wearing a license plate, heād have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen ā in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother ā Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, Iām not talking about that. What is the dogās breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, ā¦
Lou Costello: Thatās it, Abbott! Heās a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editorās note: we now call an āiceboxā a ārefrigeratorā)
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Whoās on first?" might have turned out something like this:
Bud Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Lou Costello: Thanks. Iām setting up an office in my den and Iām thinking about buying a computer.
Bud Abbott: Mac?
Lou Costello: No, the nameās Lou.
Bud Abbott: Your computer?
Lou Costello: I donāt own a computer. I want to buy one.
Bud Abbott: Mac?
Lou Costello: I told you, my nameās Lou.
Bud Abbott: What about Windows?
Lou Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Bud Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Lou Costello: I donāt know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
Bud Abbott: Wallpaper.
http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/abbott-and-costello-meet-microsoft-windows/
One of the classic Ā Abbott and Costello Ā routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. Ā The skit ends with a simple āread my mindā routine that takes Louās last remaining bill. Ā This routine was done Ā many Ā times, both in the movies and their radio show.
Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I canāt. I canāt loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I canāt. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and youāll owe me 10 Ā
Lou Costello: Ok, Iāll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: Thatās right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: Thatās right. Ā [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Donāt change the subject.
Lou Costello: Iām not changing the subject; youāre trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, thereās your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: Iām paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I donāt know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: Thatās the way you feel about it, thatās the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and youāll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: Iām not running in, youāre pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I canāt help it if you canāt handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, hereās your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, wonāt loan a pal $50.
A classic Abbott and CostelloĀ routine from their radio show ā where Bud Abbott is talking about his Uncle Herman who works in a dye factory, and Lou Costello confuses ādyeingā for ādyingā
The classic "Hertz U-Drive" skit by Abbott & Costello - "Bud Abbott:Ā You donāt understand!! Itās Hertz U drive
Lou Costello:Ā Well, if it hurts,Ā youĀ drive"
Youāre 40, sheās 10 ā A classic Ā Abbott and CostelloĀ skit, where Ā Bud AbbottĀ tries to play a prank on Ā Lou Costello, only for Lou to use his clownish math skills.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Youāre 40 years old and youāre in love with this little girl thatās 10 years old. Youāre four times as old as that girl and you couldnāt marry her, could you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Not unless I come from the mountains.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): All right- youāre 40 years-old, youāre four times as old as this girl, and you canāt marry her, so you wait five years. By that time the little girlās 15 and youāre 45. Youāre only three times as old as that little girl. So you wait 15 years and when the girl is 30, youāre at 60. Youāre only twice as old as that little girl.
š·****Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Sheās catching up.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Yes, yes. Now hereās the question. How long do you have to wait until you and that little girl are the same age?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Now what kinda question is that? Thatās ridiculous!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Ridiculous or not, answer the question.
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): If I wait for that girl sheāll pass me up. Sheāll wind up older than I am.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): What are you talking about?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Sheāll have to wait for me!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Why should she wait for you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): ā¦I was nice enough to wait for her!
A classic Ā Abbott and CostelloĀ routine, from their first movie, Ā One Night in the Tropics, where Ā Bud AbbottĀ shows that heās not above running a quick scam on his friend, Ā Lou Costello, in order to make a few dollars.
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