This I getting better hahaha
While paying for groceries at a local store ,they had reusable shopping bags with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on them with a handwritten sign that said $.99 for a better tomorrow.
I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were down on their luck.
They took one of their prized possessions—The Star of The Empire, one of the worlds largest diamonds—to a famous yet discreet pawn shop outside of Las Vegas to ask for a loan.
The pawnbroker said "So I talked to my buddy who is an expert in diamonds to get his opinion. I can give you $200,000 for it."
Prince Harry said "You must be joking, I had this appraised at nearly 2 million pounds! Don't you know who I am, I'm a prince! My mother is Queen of The United Kingdom, Elizabeth II!!"
The pawnbroker said "$200k, take it or leave it. When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are..."
Wish me luck. Tomorrow I start my internship at an electric company.
I begin my new job tomorrow, proofreading for Merriam-Webster, the online dictionary. I asked them if I'd be starting at nine, and they told me to fuck off.
I'll be starting at aardvark, like everybody else.
I’m driving through England, and will be staying in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
I've never had good luck with Civil War jokes
People don't general lee find them funny
If you couldn't celebrate 4/20 yesterday, you can celebrate it tomorrow instead.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant’s head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke’s son and knocked him off the battle field.
Yeah, apparently it was the first ever serf face to heir missile.
I'll be bringing my Cinco de Mayo leftovers to work tomorrow.
Looks like it'll be tacos de reincarne for lunch!
My wife's coming back from holiday tomorrow....
Does anyone know how to delete the memory from my memory foam mattress?
In case I don’t have time to say this tomorrow
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:
"No it's not, it's MUNday!"
The apprentice has now become the master.
It could snow again tomorrow or just rain
Tomorrow is Jamaican Day at work
I had to break up with this girl who just would not stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now.
Why are dogs better at playing classical music than cats?
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.
Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I dont know,” she said . “Just give me something with diamonds.”
Thats why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Hair today, gone tomorrow.
Some people think Steve jobs would be a better president than Donald Trump
But you can't really compare apples to oranges.
My kids came out of school and told my partner they have made cards for her for Mother's Day. I asked for a card, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
If I disappeared into the fog tomorrow,
Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover?
Because you shouldn't press your luck!
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow....
....and I'm terrified that the chute might not open.
Last time something that big crashed onto Earth, the dinosaurs got wiped out.
I'm trying to get better at making jokes from blending words together, but all my attempts turn out bad
Despite all my effort, I can't produce more than a poormansteau at best
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
so I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly.
Don’t forget to dress warm tomorrow
It’s going to be minus 45.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, but today is a gift
That's why it's called PRESENT.
Make sure that your left leg is up before the clock hits midnight tomorrow.
That way you start 2021 on the right foot.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
Tomorrow, I get to meet Phil Collins
I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life
Trying to figure out which picture is better of my son.
I have one without a filter and one with a filter https://imgur.com/BCc6kx4.jpg
There is only one other pun better than this one....
A man's farts once began sounding like the word "honda."
US Doctors were no help for the man.
Finally a Japanese Doctor took his case & sent for the man to come to Japan.
The man flew to Japan and after a short examination the Doctor said to him, "you have abscess tooth."
"An abscess tooth?" the man asked.
"Yes," replied the doctor "abscess make the fart go Honda."
Someone told me that my chicken recipe needs better seasoning.
So I’ve decided to wait until next summer to cook it again.
been an hour, either blew her Sock-rates off or id better Apollo-gize
Still better than an Immature Evacuation
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a "Get better soon" card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn't sick.
She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
A man is out ice fishing, but not having any luck. But he sees a guy across the lake pulling out fish after fish.
So the man goes over and says “I’ve been watching you catch so many fish today, but I’m getting nothing. What’s your secret?”
The other man says “Mffffmmm mmmm mfffmmmm mmmmm”
The first man says “What?”
The other man spits something into his hand and says “I said, you gotta keep your worms warm!”
Going to the foot doctor tomorrow.
Don't often think about my feet. They are usually the furthest thing from my mind.
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
Don’t forget to dress warm tomorrow
I heard it’s going to be minus 45
I’m traveling through England and will be in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
My wife's coming back from holiday tomorrow....
Does anyone know how to delete the memory from my memory foam mattress?
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