Behind Wheel Puns

Sleep cycle.

Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting

The trooper crank down his window and yelled to the driver “pull over”

“No!” yelled the woman “it’s a cardigan”

I said “must be the loose nut behind the wheel”

First day of summer vacation, pack up the family and bring them to Canobie Lake Park, a local amusement park.

We all get on the Ferris Wheel and the listen to the instructions:

Operator: "Please keep you arms and legs in the cart at all times, remain seated until the ride comes to a complete stop and please NO ROCKING!"

Me: "Awwww man, I was just abut to crank some AC/DC"

My family and the family in line behind us: ::audible groans::

Driving the family car with a whining engine when the brakes squeek obnoxiously

"Looks like this van has more than one squeal"

"Yeah, including the nut behind the wheel!"

Need to ask sister a question

"Have you seen my sister?"

"No, but I read the book."

Looking at laptops when we see the chromebook we have at home

"Hey look, it's that thing that struggles with the concept of Ctrl-P"

"Well, that is why they made diapers"

Hi there I just found this subreddit thought I might share this:

One night I was leaving to go to my mates house and dad had parked his new truck behind my car, so I thought might as well take that instead, he tells me "make sure you move the seat position, 1 is mine 2 is your mothers" I reply "yea cool, whatever dad, cya"

I get in the truck and push number 1, the seat moves itself closer to the searing wheel crushing me in between, I look up at the house and see my old man laughing his head off while he walks out of sight.

Thanks dad

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.

"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

My sister was showing me some pictures of her prom-dress. I said it looked like something out of game of thrones, but she didn't agree.

Me: "Oh well, it's not like I know that much about dresses anyways."

Dad, from behind the wheel: "As long as you know how to UNZIP THEM!!"

I high fived him and my mother and sister looked disgusted.

I´m not really sure if this fits here, but it´s a hilarious story.

A Year ago my Father, mother, brother and me were driving to lunch(or breakfast), when we came to an intersection. This intersection has seen alot of accidents over the years, because people don´t give a fuck and just turn in. Long story short: A guy almost crashes his van into our car. It all went really fast. My dad shouted, hit the brakes and with a screeching sound we halted. The van just drove on and was before us. My dad muttered something like: "That´s it!" and overtook the van. He stopped infron of said van and got out.(Sidenote: We are all tall in my family. my little brother is a little over 2 meters and is really buff. I´m just 2 meters tall and my dad is a little smaller than me. My mum is the smallest of the bunch with just 1,86 or so) So my dad gets out of the car and starts shouting at the guy in the van. My father is a real pacifist and hates violence of any form, so we all were really shocked. I look over to my brother and say:"We gotta hold him back he´s gonna rip that guys head off!". So we both got out and the guy starts trembling behind his steering wheel, when suddenly a giant stands infront of his car shouting and hitting and kicking the air, while 2 larger giants hold him back (barely though) and try to sooth him. My mother gets out goes over to the guys windows points him to let it down and say:"You´re lucky my sons are with us, otherwise we wouldn´t be having this conversation." She goes back to my father tells him to cool down and we all get back in the car. The guy in the van looks frozen at us and doesnt move a muscle. Remeber we are still on the street holding up the entire intersection, so cars start honking. It´s then i hear my dad laughing and saying:" You didn´t think i was gonna do anything did ya?" We didn´t spoke to him for the rest of the ride, but later at lunch(or breakfast) we all laughed about it.

TL;DR: 3 Giants teach a man not to speed.