This is a series of dad jokes that all relate to each other and form a dad joke story so bear with me.

How do you kill a blue elephant? (How?) With a blue elephant gun.

How you you kill a pink elephant? (With a pink elephant gun?) No, you hold its trunk til it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elephant gun

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? (No clue...?) So they can hide in cherry trees

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (Of course not) Then clearly it works

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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I really hate jokes about bears,

Guess you could say I find them unbearable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flaxsee
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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I would tell you a joke about bears

But it’s unbearable

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Muggz_s
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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My grandad’s joke: How do you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice over a frozen lake, and when the bear reaches in to grab a fish... You kick him in the Ice-Hole

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_n3Rd_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Hey, I got a joke for ya. It's a long one, so bear with me.

Joooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwesomeAim
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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How would you describe a dad joke told by a gummi bear?

Haribo!

Full confession - my daughter just made this up. I’m so proud!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alaska_Engineer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
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Did you hear the joke about the koala bear who preferred to steep its eucalyptus leaves in water instead of eating them?

It's a koala tea joke.

(Variation of other koala jokes I've heard).

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVaccinator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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A joke my dad told me when I was little that I didn't get till I was grown for fathers day. How do you catch a polar bear

Cut a hole in the ice and surround it with peas. When the polar bear walks up to take a pee kick him in the ice hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArdelLedbetter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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Fozzie the Bear tells the ultimate dad jokes.
  1. Did I tell you the one about the man with the light bulb in his nose? He was lightheaded.

  2. Why are fish so smart? 'Cause they swim in schools.

  3. Why did the man put a sweater on his hot dog? Because it was a chili dog.

  4. Fozzie:Β There was this sailor that was SO fat Sailor:Β How fat was he? Fozzie:Β He was so fat that everybody liked him, and there was nothing funny about him at all.

  5. Why do movie stars have lots of fans?Because theirΒ hot.

  6. What do you get when you put chocolate pudding in your mother's shoes? You get a spanking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/patient_zero84
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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My Dad’s latest Christmas brunch joke: How do you catch a polar bear? You cut a hole in the ice and sprinkle some P’s around.

When the polar bear comes up to take a P, you kick him in the hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/susannahrose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
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Polar Bear Pun Joke; YouTube channel just about Puns youtube.com/watch?v=TCxoV…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/infiniteknight32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
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I saw a pack of gummy worms that said β€œNo artificial flavor.”

Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pllarsen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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Perfect for the kids - what do you call a bear with no teeth?!

A gummy bear.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCKANNON
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?

Lost

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jesuscide
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/korabdrg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo

It was great. She’s a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.

She is infringing on my right to bear arms.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_OToole
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out identity theft is a crime

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/growupyall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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A bear is riding a bike in the woods

when he passes a man who notices him and yells:

"What the heck?! Bears don't know how to ride bikes!

The bear replies: "oh right, i forgot!" and tips over.

My uncle used to tell me this joke as a kid and it took me a while to understand the tiny but valuable lesson behind it.

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πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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My SO kept joking about bears being in our backyard...

Our six year old said "dad, stop! You're going to give me nightbears"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KittenTablecloth
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2016
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Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.

wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SocialPerformer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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A bear goes to the bar and says "can I get one whiskey..................and one coke"

The bartender asked "why the big pause"

The bear replies "I was born with them"

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KillRespectively1
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a rum..............and coke."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smarzz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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What do you call bears with no ears?

B

Edit: Thank you for hugz!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jtfiction
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Dad joked. Sloth bears.

I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."

Hubby became a father a year and a half ago but that made him a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arguinglulu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, β€œDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...

β€œNo thanks, I’m stuffed!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies ?

Twobearculousis

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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Why do bears never get lost?

Because they always have their bearings.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marine1992
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his cake?

He was stuffed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Teja1821
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Big paws.
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chadohawk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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Why don't koalas hang out with other bears?

Because they don't meet the koala-ifications

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πŸ‘€︎ u/infinitywee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building. Security stops him and says,

There are no firearms allowed in this building.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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My son asked me, β€œDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, β€œGo on, then.” He shouted, β€œNOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, β€œThat’s Superman.”

He said, β€œThanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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Old but gold
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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A horse enters a bar and orders a drink.

When he’s finished, the barkeep asks if he wants another. The horse replies, β€œI don’t think I do...” and vanished from existence.

To get the joke, you need to know Rene Descartes’ theory β€œI think, therefore I am.” But if I explained that before the joke, I would be putting Descartes before de horse.

<Staring into the crowd like Fozzie Bear>

... I’ll show myself out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techsavior
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.

His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.

"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."

"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.

"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."

"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I shall take you to it."

"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LazyLeo1337
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
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Why did Winnie the Pooh quit his job writing obituaries?

He didn't like being the bear of bad news.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feddny
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
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How to catch an elephant. A story by my dad which got me a walk to the Principal's office in 2nd grade

Rolling back 40 yrs or so, here's the story I told to my 2nd grade class.

To catch an elephant, you first need to go to the jungle where elephants are found. Then you cut down all the trees in a big circle, and dig a hole out. Put the trees in the hole and burn them down to ashes. Carefully line the edge of the hole with peas.

And when an Elephant comes to take a Pea, you kick him in the Ash-Hole!

Everyone about died. Hell, even the teacher and principal were laughing about it. Dad was amused. Mom was not.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGoodLordsTaint
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2016
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A bear walks into a bar..

He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a...................beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/idiesoonpls
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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Why are communist jokes so funny?

Everyone gets it.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bryce-I-guess
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
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Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.
πŸ‘︎ 23k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StewPaddasso
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
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My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa...

I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you catch a polar bear?

First, you drill a hole in the ice then line it with peas. When the bear comes to take a pee, you kick him in the ice hole.

(My daughter's joke actually)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeadpoolOptimus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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A bear walks into a bar.....

and says "let me get uhhhhh.."

"Uhmmm?"

"A beer"

Bartender says, "sure but what's with the big pause?"

Bear says, "I was born with them"

πŸ‘︎ 871
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farhantsb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2018
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My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear...

She asked, β€œDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”

In my best bear voice, I replied, β€œNo thanks, I’m stuffed.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2017
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What do you call bears with no ears?

B

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2016
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

My 5 year olds favorite joke to tell everyone.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mundane_days
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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