a friend of mine is afraid to fly as he is sure his luggage will be the ugliest one on the baggage carousel

I keep telling him he has to stop worrying about the worst case scenario

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Will you β€œcheese” be mine? ❀️
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CharmingSorbet1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine just said to me β€œI’m training to be garbage man”

I said β€œYou don’t need training for that! You just pick it up as you go along”

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Does anyone want to be a companion of mine who I order around all day?

Tasking for a friend

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sjmaeff
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
🚨︎ report
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.

It’s our family hair loom.

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Just found this store by chance called Ollie’s. Aside from all the great liquidation sales, the walls are a pun gold mine! I felt it be a crime not to post pictures of it on here. reddit.com/gallery/iij3ts
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KORZILLA-is-me
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Will you be mine forever ?
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/puggzu
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Not mine. So should be here /r/Jokes/comments/j2vfxl/…
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jcbknght
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Not mine, but it deserve to be here
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HamsterLarry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine once told me that the best superpower would be the ability to detect the presence of Indian bread.

I said β€œThat’s naan-sense!”

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ToroZuzuX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I was never able to spell well, so this one is mine. He shall be named Fill, and he shall be mine. imgur.com/PDxyta8
πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FiggyFigster
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Dogs be like "I've put a smell on you and now you're mine"
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MuadLib
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine offered me a piece of a pizza made out of a magazine that's no longer published. Hesitant at first, it turned out to be tasty!

It was a slice of Life.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Whale watching used to be a hobby of mine but I've decided to give it up...

I just can't see the porpoise anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gp239598
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm Adam. In the spirit of Kanye shortening his name to Ye, I'm going to be a more positive person and shorten mine to Ad.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/llehsadam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
🚨︎ report
A good friend of mine won't allow his name to be written down

Truly incredible

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jlw2001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Friend of mine is gonna be a great dad. imgur.com/n9HEbV1
πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mycareer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2013
🚨︎ report
found out a friend of mine would be visiting pennsylvania at the same time as me.

"Well, I guess that makes us penn pals?" "omg shutup."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rugparty
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Why do mines hate being stepped on?

They get triggered.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/noneOfUrBusines
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2022
🚨︎ report
Working in Mining’s Like Being Surrounded by Seals

All you hear is β€œore ore ore”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatScotchbloke
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2022
🚨︎ report
I got my first Gold for this pun. I'm so happy! :)
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TakingAMindwalk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Poop jokes aren't my favorite jokes...

...but they're a solid number two

πŸ‘︎ 241
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UnaProphet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2022
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe.

He asks the barman for 2 pints and two chasers. He drinks one pint and chaser and the giraffe has the others. After 6 rounds the giraffe collapses on the floor. The man gets up and goes to leave. The barman says "You can't leave that lyin there!" The man replies "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2022
🚨︎ report
I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine.
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Where do ghosts like to swim?

Lake Eerie!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2022
🚨︎ report
Have you ever had the perfect joke, but no opportunity to use it? [META]

I have one in particular that irks me to no end. One day when I was 12, my brother and I were chilling watching racing on TV. It was a rally car race, and it was team North America vs South America vs Europe vs Asia etc. , you get the point.

Two years later, something triggered my memory and I remembered watching that race with my brother. I immediately thought, "THATS WHAT YOUD CALL CONTINENTAL DRIFT".

Its not gutbusting funny or anything but it was just so perfect for the moment, but its such a specific situation that I know ill never have an opportunity to utter those words, my disappointment is immeasurable and I will be forever longing. Im now a 27 year old dad, I still am looking for an opportunity to use it, no luck so far.

Have you ever had a situation similar to mine? What are your jokes lost at sea?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmerAteMyPasta
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2022
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Why didn't Pluto get included in the Solar System family photo?

It missed the photo shoot because it forgot to planet.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mankyd
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2022
🚨︎ report
My grandfather would have celebrated his 91st birthday today.

If he wasn't so miserable...

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2022
🚨︎ report
I lost 20 pounds in one day.

If you are in London and you find a wallet, it might be mine.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RemnantReturning
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2022
🚨︎ report
[Meta] Halloween Sub Discussion

Hey guys, new to posting to the sub, just wanted to get some information on what is allowed and if there is an option to base an event.

I've never seen an image posted on Dad Jokes so I am just going to assume there is no image posting allowed in the sub.

If that is the case I just wanted to float out the idea of allowing images to be posted during the week of Halloween. There are a ton of great dad jokes embodied in creative costumes and since that fits the spirit of the sub, maybe an event can be created to exchange those jokes during a set time frame. Feedback or a direction to something I'm looking for would be much appreciated.

I hate to spoil my costume but to get an example of what to look for (mine is by no means anything special) I will give you the general idea. It will be 3 pieces in regular attire. A plastic sword, a fancy collar, and a balaclava made out of "invisible" material ;). I am going as the headless horsemen.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/milkytunt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2022
🚨︎ report
I really wanted to be a mining engineer.

But I was lousy adit.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Friend tried to get a loan the other day...

A friend of mine has this great idea for a small business selling collectables, so he goes into a bank and walks up to the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan for a small business venture."

Patty looks in disbelief as she realizes this voice is coming from a dog. But being professional she clears her throat and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The dog says $500,000. And proceeds to fill out the loan paperwork.

Patty, the teller, reviews the paperwork and notices his name and is a little star struck as it reads: Buddy Mick Jagger. Feeling embarrassed, but curious, Patty asks if there is any relation to THE Mick Jagger?

The dog sighs and says, yes, Mick is his father, adopted, but his father nonetheless.

Patty explains that $500,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need something to act to secure such a large loan.

The dog says, "Yes ma'am. I have several sets of these" and shows her a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly shaped. He then produces more and more of these small porcelain animals all hand crafted and painted various colors. While trying to explain these collectables are what he hopes to sell Patty becomes very confused and thinks up a quick excuse:

"Well, for such a large loan and unusual collateral I will have to consult the branch manager."

Ms Whack finds the manager and says "There's a talking dog named Buddy Mick Jagger out here who claims to be a relation to Mick Jagger and wants a loan for $500,000. And as collateral he wants to use this?" She then holds up the small porcelain elephant. "I mean, what even is this? Is it valuable?"

The bank manager stands up, blinks a few times, looks her straight in the eye with a large smile and says: "Oh! That's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

(My grandpa would tell this joke at family gatherings to all of us grandkids, we would only ever get small parts of it at a time, but the rest of the adults would always groan at the end. Wasn't till many years later I realized this was a pretty common long haul joke! Still a good memory, hopefully it have you a chuckle!)

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Stache_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2022
🚨︎ report
What's your favourite go-to dad joke?

Imo, what makes a good dad joke is saying it so frequently that everyone almost expects it when the situation comes up, so I thought it would be fun to share some of our favourite go-to, day to day situational dad jokes. I'll start (most of these work better out loud):

Mine: Someone else: we'll be there around 8.30, 9. Me: that's very specific, not 8.38 or 8.40??

My dad's: Whenever we drive past a look out point he'll yell in a panicked kind of way "Lookout!!"

My husband's: Pretending not to see people dressed in camo, eg if someone dressed in camo is walking a dog "is that dog walking itself??" Bonus points if the other person doesn't realise what you're on about.

My sister's: Saying "hi, Drangea" whenever we walk past a hydrangea bush.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/generic-volume
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2022
🚨︎ report
Pun trouble...

Would anyone here be able to help me come up with a pun for a friend of mine leaving to Sydney?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/signor_longtoes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2022
🚨︎ report
I tried to talk to a fellow pilot about alternate universes

But she didn't understand as she seemed to be operating on a wholly different plane to mine

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Redditardus
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2022
🚨︎ report
My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type.

He kept insisting we "be positive", but it's just so hard without him.

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky 'cos he stepped on a land mine

πŸ‘︎ 152
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1963Jan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I caught my wife with another man

Some stories have hooks.

This story has a bloody good one.

It's about loveβ€”

Or at least marriage.

My marriage.

At heart, it's your typical fish out of water story, but like I said there's a hook.

The hook's in the beginning.

Although it's really the tail end that's most movingβ€”at least now, when our love's drying up.

Understand:

I'm a fisherman, and I caught my wife with another man.

Well, I caught the man first.

I used Craigslist.

But I suppose the details don't really matter. It's enough to know that by the time he was naked in the shed it was too late for him to change his mind.

He broke down easily. He wasn't particularly thick skinned.

That's where the hook came inβ€”

pushed through a fold of flesh on his back.

He wasn't much in the size department, but I didn't intend for him to get hung up on it. Unfortunately, he kept trying to escape, so what choice did I have? Then he seemed quite insecure, so I pierced him with another steel hook just in case.

Like I said:

Bloody good hook.

After he stopped struggling, I took him down and dragged him to my boat. Then we went fishing.

Hold on, though.

I may need to backtrack a little, because you may be wondering how I even knew she was out there.

The answer is: I'd already seen her swimming a few times.

It was love at first sight.

Like many couples nowadays we met on the net.

So back to when I was fishing:

I was in my boat with the Craigslist man with the steel hooks in his back. I had tied a thick rope to one of the hooks, placed the man onto a net, and pushed them both overboard. He splashed and choked, attracting a lot of attention.

I waited for her call.

It came.

She sounded so near to me.

When she swam just close enough to the Craigslist man in the water, I pulled in the netβ€”and there she was: shining, mine to the gills and writhing so enticingly!

I took her ashore.

I placed her in a water tank and told her she would be my wife.

I screwed herβ€”

shut.

For days I watched her bangβ€”

on the glass.

Until one day it happened: the glass cracked, the tank broke open, and with the water she spilled onto the floor.

Now here I am, watching my marriage fall apart.

Her gills are barely stirring.

Her face: dry and still.

It's only her scaly tail that's still gently moving.

I caught my wife with another man. I met her on the net. I thought our love would last forever, but now, listening to her shriek, I realize I was catfished! I wanted to marry a sirenβ€”but this thing is nothing

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/normancrane
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My mate

An old friend of mine decided one day that he would have a go a keeping chickens. So he bought a hen house and his first chicken along with very handsome Cockerell Three weeks later his chicken had laid a clutch of eggs and the old hatched out successfully but one little chick just kept growing and growing. He took it to the vet who assured him that although rare for that particular breed there was nothing to worry about After two years this chicken was five foot nine and weighed in at ten stone three pounds. So my mate had what he thought was a brilliant idea. He hitched the chicken to the front of his car and decided he would train the chicken to pull him in the car. This went on for about a month and my mate had saved a fortune in petrol costs. Then one day as he was travelling to work the hitching rope snapped and the chicken was away up the motorway never to be seen again. My mate was distraught and stuck in the middle lane. The police eventually came out and said "What's the problem Sir?". My mate, by now in floods of tears because of his loss said "My big hens gone!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ocin400
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
DROP YOUR BEST PUNS FOR HISTORY DRINKING GAME

I'm creating a drinking game where every important event equals to drinking, but I am nowhere close to NAMING my drinking game. A friend of mine recommended this subreddit, saying that people drop some really punny puns here. Give your ideas for a title, I think up to 6 words would be okay.

Let's see what you can do!

What you need to know about the game:

  • You can create your timeline based on packages (ages, countries, continents, etc).
  • Every important event has a normal action and drinking action.
  • You never know in which year you are located but get an estimate year. You can either guess the year (or date) and get a free pass or you have to execute the action or drinking action. When you guess wrong, you'll have to double it.

That's basically it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tyounr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I need dirty train puns ASAP!

My brother is creating a funny custom sweater for my boyfriend’s DJ name(DJ Grind Train). He wants to create a tag line under the DJ name but wants it’s to be a dirty pun. Like… β€œget ready to get railed”. C’mon team, I know you can create a better dirty pun than mine!

Thanks!!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mundoodle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2022
🚨︎ report
Whale watching used to be a hobby of mine but I've decided to give it up...

I just can't see the porpoise anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gp239598
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2017
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine, who was train enthusiast, died how he would have wanted by being hit by The Flying Scotsman.

He's chuffed to bits.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thedaddy71
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thank you."

I said, "Don't mention it."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TooShiftyForYou
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Our family's legacy

When my great granddad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my granddad, who then gave it to my dad, and one day, it will be mine.

It's our family hair loom. :D

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.