The people who write instructions for places like IKEA must be in good shape.
I was confused about what was the proper term for a very short person, dwarf? midget? small? vertically challenged? so when I saw one them I asked him, what do you like to be called?
A son asks his dad, "Dad, what it is like to be drunk?"
The dad replies, "Well son, you see those two cars ahead of you. A drunk man would see four of them."
To that the son replies, "But dad, I can see only one car."
Eggs seem to be a lot like relationships…
They are either scrambled, poached, or over-easy
My friend was like "Cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be in a hole in the ground full of water."
I wanna be a billionaire like my grandad
He wants to be the one too.
When you need to cast a main enemy bad guy for a movie, it seems like Willem DA FOE should be the obvious choice.
When I was younger my teacher asked me what I'd like to be when I grow up.
I said a bin man. With a surprised look she asked "Why a bin man?" I replied "Because I only have to work on Wednesdays"
*This is a true story 🙈
I’m worried next year will be just like last year.
Last year was 2020. Next year is …
Imagine two guys named Ted meet each other. They’ll be like united.
I like to think one day everyone in this subreddit will be dropped off by their children at the old folks home (hopefully the same one). Then collectively, we could all look back with fond memories how they were once babies but since then
sometimes it do be like that
If a person carries a pole with a flag that says "I like to be dominated"
... does that mean it's a substandard?
What's a word that sounds like it should be a pun but isn't?
British people be like "I'm Bri ish."
The next Covid variant won’t be a piece of cake like omicron.
Non binary prospectors be like....
There's gold in they're/ them hills!
I like my hair to be like a Pavlov dog's...
My son came up to me yesterday and asked me what it was like to be married. I told him to leave me alone.
An hour later I found him and asked him why he was ignoring me
My nephew was genetically engineered to be like both Frank Sinatra and Albert Einstein.
He's a regular Frank Einstein.
"Son, you should strive in all things to be like the Pillsbury Doughboy"
He is a great roll model.
I wonder what it would be like to live as as elf and make toys at the North Pole
I bet it is way cooler than you think
Next year is gonna be exactly like last year,
Since it’s gonna be 2020 too!
I like water, but I think it could be cooler.
Now, wouldn't that be ice?
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
Why don't ghosts like to be around each other?
They're very terrortorial.
saw a girl with a tattoo of a tree on her breast, seems like it would be painful...
Everyone says I won't be able to make a film like The Truman Show.
I always wanted to be a billionaire, just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a billionaire, too.
What is like to be kissed by a vampire
I'd like to be a mirror cleaner.
It's a job I can really see myself doing.
My son wants to become the President, so that he can be like me.
I too always wanted to be the President.
Now kids, if you want to be like Simone Biles when you grow up;…
…make sure to eat a well balanced diet!
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
British people be like: I'm bri ish
I want to be a billionaire just like my uncle.
He’s not a billionaire. He wants to be one too.
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