Denephew
Jafart
You can call me Limp Dick
Then Alfred would be saying Master Bates all the time
People are always walking all over Matt's.
Kim and Kanye, for one.
So I changed it to Algo Más.
I tell them "Karma is a bitch"
Sheer luck Holmes
A 4-chin teller
After my father: I know dad. That was a terrible idea.
There were reports of politicians with their hands in their OWN pockets
Bad choice. Now all the streets have no name, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
She gives loaf a bad name
That way if I ever have to use them, it would be considered assault with a dadly weapun
Professional courtesy.
I sometimes go to the “Idiot of the Year” event in our prairie town, where each year hundreds of people from the town and nearby villages gather in the community hall for jokes and a guessing game. It starts with various people coming on stage to tell bad jokes, and finishes with the guessing game, which involves the master of ceremonies pulling a blanket off a mystery object on stage. The first person to name the object gets the “Idiot of the Year” trophy, which is an old shoe nailed to a block of wood. Three years ago, the object was an old bicycle, and Melvin Sneeter, who works in the local hardware store, was the first to yell out “bicycle”. Two years ago, Cynthia Frizzle, a housewife from the nearby town of Spuzzum, was correct with “tricycle”. And last year, the object was a bit more difficult, so the trophy wasn't awarded, because nobody knew the name of that one-wheeled contraption that you must balance and pedal.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Because the shampoo bottle read: Apply, Lather, Rinse, Repeat
She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"
The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."
Immediately thinking the worst, the mother asks "Oh my God, what's wrong?"
"Well, you were recovering for a long time," the doctor says solemnly, "we had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them..."
Shocked, the mother asks "What did he name the girl?"
The doctor lets out a sigh and says "Denise."
"Oh!" The mother says, "That's a lovely name, what about the boy?"
The doctor places a hand on the mother's shoulder, shaking his head he says...
"Denephew."
Probably a repost but literally just happened 2 minutes ago and saw my opportunity for a post.
He must've been the loo tenant.
He pasta way
I'm not sure I'll get it off the ground successfully...
My investment is crashing...
The only thing that went up in thin air is my money...
Stocks are in a nosedive...
She knew all her customer's names, and they all knew and loved her. Unfortunately her husband passed away and she took it hard. So hard in fact that she took to the bottle. So badly her work began to suffer. It got to the point that the store owner realized he had to take action. Reluctantly he called her into his office one Friday. "Martha, I know you've been here a long time but I'm going to have to let you go." Martha was taken aback "But why?" "Because checkers can't be boozers"
It didn’t do so well, people kept telling me “Concentration Camp” was a bad name.
Broco Lee
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
But the bird was cool.
He refused.
I forgot my favorite song! I have jamnesia.
Who was that guy who bit my neck? Vamnesia.
I’ve been out of school so long, I can’t remember what it was like to stay up all night studying. I have cramnesia.
What band was George Michael in? Wham!nesia.
I can’t recognize my blood relatives…famnesia is a terrible condition.
I never pay enough attention to advertising emails to remember them — spamnesia comes in handy!
I used to drive the ice-smoothing machine, but forgot how. Zamnesia.
I’ve had memory issues ever since that aggressive sheep headbutted me. Ramnesia!
I could never be a prison guard, because I have a condition that prevents me from recognizing escapees: lamnesia.
I can never remember the names of women who are my social superiors…I have ma’amnesia.
What do they call that big concrete wall that blocks the Colorado River? Sorry, I have damnesia.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever eaten mussels — my clamnesia is acting up.
What did we eat during last year’s holidays? I have hamnesia.
Who’s that celebrity chef from New Orleans? I got a bad case of BAMnesia!
Trial mix!
A little context: Occasionally when I start to frustrate my wife, especially through text, she calls me by my first name and sometimes I double down on being annoying
A fellow student in my lecture class the other day brought in Christmas gift baggies for everyone! I sent a picture to the wife and she asked who it was. I’m bad with names, especially since this was my only class with this woman, so I said I didn’t know.
A few minutes later I asked a different student what her name was, and it was Breanna. So, I told my wife her name, and she asked what her last name was! I said that I didn’t think anyone knew that.
Frustrated at my answer she says, “Qsdl”
I respond, “No that’s my name”
This was Wednesday, so I don’t think she’s going to murder me, but she may just be plotting and biding her time
Everytime I try to think of one, I flounder.
“It shows that she can make a terrible decision but still stick to it.”
Having Shit as a last name, or never being seen by anybody.
But I probably shouldn't spread it
Anna One, Anna Two
Still to this day, they both think it's a bad name.
