B Positive
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itskrueger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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B Positive
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dkeating42
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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katherine's just trying to b positive !
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nahlex
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....

It was always just one ting after another.

Edit: Thanks for all the positive reactions to this joke. I’m glad I could make a few of you chuckle today.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThroneDiscs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type

As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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My uncle died last week because the doctors couldn't figure out his blood type.

At least my uncle was being supportive as he kept on yelling, "Be positive!"

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notelonmusk__
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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I got called pretty today.

...well, actually, the full statement was β€œyou’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

πŸ‘︎ 589
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other β€œDang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYa, I’m positive.”

πŸ‘︎ 177
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LOLMrTeacherMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Negative one times negative one

Felt like posting something positive today

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GISteve
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirtbag

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Damander
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Batteries have split personalities

On the one side, they are positive, while on the other, they are negative

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeaconOnAChairMC
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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My wife was commenting on one of our cats and its big belly. I said, "I don't get it. She eats protein all day...

...she's on Catkins."
(one of these days my wife's eyes are gonna get stuck in the eye-rolling position)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iresenteverything
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
An atom called the cops to report he had an electron stolen. The cop asked, "Are you sure?"

And the atom replied, "I'm positive!"

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodChadAndUgly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Dr. walked in and told me that I had the coronavirus.

I asked, β€œAre you sure?”

He said, β€œI’m COVID-19 positive.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Harko-Luxa
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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A message from Corona:

Stay Positive !

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afarro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Yes, I am Christian; no, I can't tell you more about it.

Only my wife gets to enjoy my missionary position.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.

At least he told us to be positive.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReineDeTaBite
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother told me this one ;-;

My great uncle died the other night. He lost too much blood and the doctors couldn't find a donor because they didn't know his blood type. However, the whole time, my great uncle was cheering them on saying, "Be Positive!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notelonmusk__
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the most common blood type in Canada?

Eh positive

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...

Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.

So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmohon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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I know it's Friday the 13th and COVID is raging, but...

Be positive!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quietconsigliere
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm an antimatter type of person

Just looking for 1 positive experience

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaevan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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A German soldier during World War II was embellishing the number of troops he had with him

When the Allies thought it was just him, he claimed there were not 1 but 2. Then he changed his story to 3. Then he said 5, then 8, then 13, and finally 21. When the Allies made it to his position, they discovered that it actually was just him.

Turns out he was a fibber nazi.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
An electrician...

....tested positive today

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PanixATK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What were Donald Trump’s COVID-19 test results?

Extremely positive. The most positive, in fact. Everybody’s talking about it. It’s yuuuge. Nobody’s seen anything like it. Sleepy joe never would’ve been able to pull this off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/taylor5479
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been self isolating with coronavirus

Above all, I’ve found it tough to stay positive.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charlietd76
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Pepsi factory?

He tested positive for Coke!

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Stay Positive

Son is working on math. Currently working on negative numbers, which is below his level (pun intended).

Wife says, "He is really bored. If you can think of anything to say to help that would be great.

Me to son, β€œHey buddy, I know you are working on negative numbers and that is boring. Try to stay positive.”

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Two chemists walk into a bar. "I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NullVoidPointer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about US schools reopening during the pandemic?

Superintendent really wanted the students to get a Positive result in their upcoming tests.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickD716
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Has anyone met a covid-19 survivor?

You get a lot of positive vibes from them!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I have this friend who was worried that they might have coronavirus.

I probably shouldn’t have told them to stay positive.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
/r/BlackFathers will now be a positive and supportive community for Black and POC fathers

https://i.imgur.com/GlXV2kE.gifv

Reddit admins have recently granted ownership of /r/BlackFathers to myself and a group of other Black/POC mods, and it is our intention to make this a positive and supportive community. This is a place where Black/POC fathers and their family, friends, and colleagues can find helpful resources, welcoming content, and a safe space to learn from each other and share our experience.

Content of all types are welcome so long as the subject/focus of the content is supportive of Black/POC fathers. We look forward to seeing you there.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigJ76
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.

I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 383
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CodyClay1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Hear about the kinky narrator?

I hear he had a fetish for certain "ex-positions"

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asianwaste
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Neutron to electron: i think im decaying into a proton

Electron: are you sure?

Neutron: im nearly positive

Electron: ive never been so attracted to you

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ponylover9628
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The Monk and The Cow

A monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, the river flows with a breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. The monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very faint, breaks his chant.

"moo."

The monk stops for a moment but, without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again.

He's interrupted again, "moooo."

The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation."

The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues.

"Oooooommmm-"

Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo."

"Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill."

The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-"

"MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims.

The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?"

The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconbuddy95
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
2019: stay away from negative people

2020:stay away from positive people

πŸ‘︎ 233
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πŸ‘€︎ u/popcorn_21
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I broke my back in a car accident and I'm looking for a pun for my grad cap

So yeah I got into a car accident during college and I wanted to commemorate that on my grad cap. My mom won't let me put my mri, "you should put something positive on your cap, not something negative" so yeah a back pun is the next best thing I could think of putting on there.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/summosa
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type

As he died he kept on insisting for us to β€œbe positive”, but it’s hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CubbyK
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report

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