Because they're all not 'C's.
I’m going to call it Contengen C
Anyway, that’s just my two scents.
Happy No L!
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
I had a dream the other night where I got myself and some buddies good tickets, in row B to a baseball game. So we’re making our way to the seats, but we can see that the bottom two rows of seats are completely submerged in water. The game is still going on as normal, but we have to take it in from the stairs. I looked at my buddies and said “Boys I’m sorry, this isn’t what I had in mind when I bought seats below C level”.
When the arrive they are asked what bloodtypes they have.
The priest thinks and says “I believe I am a type A positive”
The minister says“I’m quite certain I'm a type B negative”
The rabbit tugs on his beard and thoughtfully says “I think I’m a type O”
When I was in 4th grade (9 yo), my teacher, Mr. Combs loved to tell us Dad jokes. It’s one of my reasons why I love these jokes so much.
I remember one distinctly, Mr. Combs was teaching us time (AM and PM)
Mr. Combs: and bathroom time is B.M. Class: bursts out laughing Me (not laughing): EWWWW! That’s disgusting. (9 yo me was not at all mature) Marilyn, a classmate, to me: You just don’t get it! Mr. Combs, still chuckling at his pun: no, she’s the only one who does get it!
Person A: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.
Person B: but sir, you ARE the lawyer!
Person A: Then where’s my present?
Pig plays the drums, Horse sings, and Cow plays the guitar. They’re all exceptionally talented, and form a band, supplementing other spots from around the city. They play local dives, some free shows in the park, and they begin to get some traction. Pig suggests they record an album, and they send demos all over. One label is willing to give them a shot, and they open for a B List name on their tour. During the tour, they amass millions of fans, and by the time they record their first major studio album, they have a following so big that 3 of their songs top the charts. They soon find themselves headlining their own tour, as well as every major music festival.
The three friends are over the moon with their success. Never in their wildest dreams did they believe they’d find themselves rubbing shoulders with music greats. It doesn’t come without its downsides, though. Pig has turned to coke and pills to help him get through the long nights. Horse loves the party side of his new life, and his band mates often hide bottles from him when they’re not dragging him, drunk, to his bed. Cow is sad. Watching his friends fall apart, he misses being home and when things were more simple. Keeping his friends in line and covering for them is taking a toll on his own health.
After a year and a half on the road, the band is in the studio attempting to record their second album. Horse is fast asleep, drooling on the mixing board, hungover from the night before. Pig hasn’t even shown up. Cow has a breakdown, and shakes Horse awake. “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” Horse waves him off, and falls back asleep. Cow packs up his guitar and buys a one-way ticket home.
A few days later, Pig is all over the news. He’s in jail for possession. Cow watches the news and shakes his head. He knew it was a sinking ship. Horse hears the news from their manager, who is also calling to tell him that he quit. He wakes up to the phone call, and texts Cow, pleading to have a conversation. Radio silence. Horse stumbles out of bed and heads for his favorite pub. He can’t believe that he’s down two friends, that the band has split up, and his life is in shambles. He sits at the bar. “I’ll have my usual,” he says. The bartender leans over to hand Horse a whiskey. “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
Ba-dum-tss
- Yes, I'm born on Earth Day
,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.
The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''
,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I want is for wars to end.'' She drags forth a handy map of the world. ,,See these countries? They are scarred with ancient bloodfeuds. You should show them peace. Yes, that's my wish.''
,,B-but ma'm, that's impossible! Their hearts are so hardened, and I would have to prevent droughts and hunger and disarm all threats...-'' pleas the genie desperately.
,,Very well, since you're so tired, I guess I'll settle for something else. Now... I've been without a man for so long, and my last husband was nothing short of a rat, so I'd like a man. A man that... does the laundry and the dishes and vaccuums the house. He must be gentle in manners but wild and talented in bed, and of course sexy and handsome. He must love me more than anything else in this world and tell me so each day with a bouquet of flowers. But most of all he'll have to understand me. Yes, that's what I want, the perfect man.''
The genie sighs. ,,Just give me the fucking map.'
‘yes but just to prove you’ve been paying attention I’d like you to recite the alphabet first’
So with his best effort the boy replies ‘A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z’
The teacher says ‘very good but what happened to the P?’
‘Well this took so long it’s running down my leg’
So I did.
M-I-C-H-E-L-L-E B-A-C-K-W-A-R-D-S
I want to quiz you on it.
First question: What was it called?
A: The Heir to Heaven B: Hi, I’m Up High C: Girls Rule the Afterlife
>!Whatever you answered, it was wrong. It’s Nun of the Above.!<
a^(2) +b^(2) =E/m
I know it's hard to get, but my husband won't let it go. He is starting making dad jokes using formulas, please send help. 😂
Boss was doing an audit day with me today and another of my coworkers dropped in a little after lunch. She was talking about being bored and how time was going so slow and my boss throws this one at us:
Boss - Yeah when I was younger I had a job where I got paid to stare at a clock...
Me - Nice! Sounds like a good gig.
B- Yeah, I worked in a clock factory
M - facepalm
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.
[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): I’m glad to say you won’t be needing that pill, Mr. B.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words “I have a cunning plan” marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I don’t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing …
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, it’s another world-beater.
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing … until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we … spring into action?
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is “a case of sour grapes” – and yes it bloody well is.
Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He’s so exciting, don’t you think?
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think he’s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.
http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/funny-quotes-from-blackadder-the-third/
G: I’m going to the bathroom
B: Fine...
G: Hey! There’s a turd in the toilet in the shape of the letter U
B: Don’t you understand?
G: Hmm?
B: I dumped you
Boyfriend: So how many kids does The Rock have?
Me: Two.
B: Both daughters, or is one a son?
M: Both daughters.
B: He should have another kid so that he can have a boy and take a family photo, where it's the boy, his two daughters, and then him standing on the end. 'Cause you know what he'd be then?
M: What?
B: Third Rock from the son.
He's sleeping outside tonight.
Guy A: "Where is my fucking jacket?"
Guy B: "Over there, next to your regular one"
Video in question: 6:00
NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...
No-el no-L
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
A B C
D E F G
H I J K M N
O P Q R S T U V
W X Y Z
No L, no L
No L, no L
I forgot where I heard this but I use it every year lol
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all my fellow redditors!
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to donate blood:
The priest says- “I’m a type A”
The minister says- “I’m a type B”
The rabbit says- “I’m a typo”
M R NOT O S A R C M WINGS L I B M R DUCKS
Student: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, phosphorus, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.
Teacher: How did you say phosphorus instead of L, M, N, O, and P?
Student: Because phosphorus is EL-EM-EN-TAL P.
I received A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z.
I'm missing the iron E.
