Putin dies and goes to hell. After a while, he's given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, he drinks and asks:
-Thanks. How much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
๐︎ 35k
๐
︎ Aug 13 2022
What do you call a snake that's 3.14 meters long?
Depends what kind of snake it is.
๐︎ 8k
๐
︎ Aug 16 2022
How can you turn a rectangle into a line?
>!___________________________!<
๐︎ 11k
๐
︎ Aug 19 2022
My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
๐︎ 9k
๐
︎ Aug 17 2022
why do we spell camouflage c-a-m-o-u-f-l-a-g-e
๐︎ 5k
๐
︎ Aug 16 2022
How do you tell a male ant apart from a female ant?
They're all female, or else they'd be called uncle.
๐︎ 8k
๐
︎ Aug 18 2022
I started a dating website for chickens.
Itโs not my regular day jobโฆ I just do it to help make hens meet.
๐︎ 6k
๐
︎ Aug 11 2022
Yesterday my wife and I were leaving a parking spot. There was a black and white car ahead of us.
Wife: It's a cow car!
Me: It's a moooo-tor vehicle!
Wife: polite chuckle
Me: It's udderly fun to drive!
Wife: ...
Me: It has a cattle-lytic converter.
Wife: You can stop any time.
๐︎ 11k
๐
︎ Aug 08 2022
Once upon a time
๐︎ 4k
๐
︎ Aug 06 2022
There is no reason to tailgate me while I am doing 75 in a 50
and turn off those flashing blue lights on your car. They look RIDICULOUS
๐︎ 8k
๐
︎ Aug 17 2022
How does a Jewish person make tea?
๐︎ 5k
๐
︎ Aug 14 2022
After many failed relationships, I started dating a woman in a wheelchair.
She hasnโt walked out on me yet.
๐︎ 3k
๐
︎ Aug 18 2022
My wife purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it landsโthat's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends."
Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.
๐︎ 10k
๐
︎ Aug 06 2022
Some trees are committed to one romantic relationship at a time.
๐︎ 3k
๐
︎ Aug 16 2022
The Germans have a word for everything.
๐︎ 7k
๐
︎ Jul 29 2022
If A is for apple and B is for banana, what is C for?
๐︎ 12k
๐
︎ Jul 13 2022
The Beastie Boys announced an upcoming, 5-part anthology collection. You can get parts A, B, C, & D for free.
But you gotta fight for your right to Part E.
๐︎ 12k
๐
︎ Jul 28 2022
Can I still impress you with a joke about the Titanic?
๐︎ 2k
๐
︎ Aug 14 2022
can somebody give me a dad joke?
no, really, put it in the comments and the one with the most upvotes iโll put on a custom deck of cards im buying
๐︎ 3k
๐
︎ Jul 17 2022
I saw a Karen today with a bumper sticker that said โYou will address me by my husbandโs rankโ.
Guess she just wanted her conversation to be private.
๐︎ 9k
๐
︎ Jul 21 2022
I took my pet pig to the vet because she was feeling sick. The vet told me to return in a couple hours, so I did. When I came back, the vet presented me with a ham.
I looked at him, confused, and he said "I cured her."
๐︎ 3k
๐
︎ Aug 20 2022
If Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, What Do Two Rights Make?
๐︎ 2k
๐
︎ Aug 01 2022
A witch was flying on her broom when she noticed that all the witches she passed were flying on vacuum cleaners.
She thought to herself, "Am I the only one who still drives a stick?"
๐︎ 14k
๐
︎ Jul 20 2022
that's a lot of puns
๐︎ 2k
๐
︎ Aug 04 2022
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure!
Christen: thank you
Kris: Anytime
EDIT: Glad people liked. Just wanna say that I plagiarised it from a ten year old post. But once again glad if it made you laugh and thanks for being nice!
๐︎ 4k
๐
︎ Aug 04 2022
If cats started a communist revolution, what would their leader be called?
๐︎ 1k
๐
︎ Aug 02 2022
Are people born with a photographic memory?
๐︎ 5k
๐
︎ Aug 03 2022
What weighs less? A gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
Butane, of course. Itโs the lighter fluid
๐︎ 2k
๐
︎ Aug 09 2022
I work at a bank and said this today. The customer was not impressed
Guy walks up
โI need a large cashiers checkโ
โSorry sir, our check paper only comes in one sizeโ
He gave me the coldest stare.. Iโve never been so proud.
๐︎ 2k
๐
︎ Aug 13 2022
What do you call a wife who is average in all areas of life?
๐︎ 3k
๐
︎ Aug 05 2022
I think my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken.
I may have a poltrygeist.
๐︎ 8k
๐
︎ Jul 18 2022
I met a woman who only had one leg. She called herself
๐︎ 5k
๐
︎ Jul 12 2022
Mr Squid inks a deal
๐︎ 4k
๐
︎ Aug 12 2022
I was gonna post a chemistry joke here ...
but I figured I wouldn't get a reaction.
๐︎ 694
๐
︎ Aug 11 2022
I just got hit by a can of soda!
But I think Iโm okay, it was a soft drink
๐︎ 1k
๐
︎ Aug 10 2022
Hereโs a still-frame ofโฆ
๐︎ 2k
๐
︎ Aug 04 2022
How many optometrist does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Oneโฆor two. Oneโฆor two
๐︎ 3k
๐
︎ Aug 11 2022
I *finally* came up with a good joke about clocks
๐︎ 4k
๐
︎ Jul 31 2022
I tried using BEEFSTEW as a password
๐︎ 2k
๐
︎ Aug 13 2022
I have a bunch of jokes about unemployed people
But, sadly, none of them work
๐︎ 7k
๐
︎ Jul 27 2022
What do you call a tiny mother?
๐︎ 3k
๐
︎ Aug 08 2022
What's a forklift?
๐︎ 937
๐
︎ Aug 18 2022
Jesus drove a Honda, but never spoke of it.
"For I do not speak of my own accord" John 12:49
๐︎ 3k
๐
︎ Jul 30 2022
Do you Know why Will Smith used an open hand instead of a fist ?
Because only paper beats rock.
๐︎ 8k
๐
︎ Jul 18 2022
Fellow Spotify users: letโs stream โA Horse With No Nameโ all day today!
With your support, we can make America great again!
๐︎ 627
๐
︎ Aug 18 2022
I made a playlist for hiking. it has music from The Peanuts, The Cranberries and Eminem.
๐︎ 2k
๐
︎ Aug 17 2022
that hurt a latte
๐︎ 1k
๐
︎ Aug 11 2022
Can someone please explain if this is a pun or joke on my socks? I donโt get it
๐︎ 3k
๐
︎ Jul 12 2022
My wife asked me to plan a cruise for our vacation. When I did she said that I picked the wrong ocean.
She should have been pacific in her instructions.
๐︎ 1k
๐
︎ Aug 07 2022
A witch was flying her broom along when she noticed that all the other witches were flying on vacuum cleaners.
She thought "Am I the only one still driving a stick?"
๐︎ 1k
๐
︎ Aug 15 2022
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
