Awful Jokes Puns

My doctor says it’s terminal

Me: Ok, and for the main course?

That's how eye roll

Seriously, I've heard them for the entire decade so far.

Cement it.

Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it.

http://imgur.com/a/fKQmM

Actually, never mind, it's too cheesy...

Three college students (Jim, Tom, and Steve) decided to stay overnight in an abandoned house that was supposedly haunted, all to prove that there was nothing supernatural there. They decided to sleep in separate rooms to increase chances of scary things happening. Each room was connected to one long hallway which lead to some stairs. After a while, the three called it a night and went to their separate rooms.

At midnight, Jim woke up to the sound of a scream coming from one of the rooms. He ran out into the hall where he met Steve, who also had just woken up. They walked into Tom’s room, and he was nowhere to be found. “Surely this must be a prank” thought Jim, and he and Steve decided to go back to bed. He slept for almost an hour when Jim woke up to another scream coming from a different room. He ran into the hall, and this time Steve did not join him. He walked into Steve’s room, and noticed that Steve had completely vanished. Still in the mindset that this was a prank by his two friends two, Jim went back to bed.

An hour later, Jim woke up to the sound of thumping in the hallway. He went out of his room and saw a giant coffin with chainsaws attached to where arms would be. The coffin was also blocking the exit, meaning that the only way to go was the stairs! Jim immediately ran up them as fast as he could. He stopped to catch his breath, then heard the thumping of something coming up the stairs, so he started running again! He ran into another set of stairs going up, so he ran up them as fast as he could. He stopped to catch his breath, when once again, he heard the thumping of something coming up the stairs, so he started to run. Eventually, he reached a dead end in a bathroom. He turned around to see the coffin at the doorway. Frantically, Jim scavenged the cabinets for anything he could use to fight it. All he could find was some cough drops. Using all the strength he had, he threw the cough drops at the coffin. Upon impact, the coffin suddenly started to dissolve! Before long nothing remained of it. Jim was astonished! The cough drops had stopped his coffin.

Dad: Did you know Starbucks sell designer clothes?

Me: No they don't...

Dad: They do - just got a pair of Kappa Chinos

I didn't even bother replying.

For whenever I end up mentioning that my (currently pregnant) wife and I just had a baby:

"We just had a baby. Well, my wife did most of the work; I just had a small part in it."

concerned look

"Average part..."

embarrassed/lying look

"...above...average."

I think it may be terminal

My doctor says it terminal

My doctor says it’s terminal.

My doctor says it's terminal.

my doctor says it's terminal

The doctor says it's terminal.

The doctor says it's terminal

Me: Ok, and for the main course?

... My doctor says it’s terminal.