As One Puns

His story checked out

Thankfully for the cow, he managed to escape.

Reports suggest the farmer was later charged with Attempted Burger.

almost all of the ants you see are female! True story for bees as well!

Then a kid did the hand raise thing on Zoom and asked a question. "How do you know that they're all girl ants?"

That's a great question!

Here's the scientific process... You get a bug bucket and fill it with room temperature tap water. You carefully get an ant on a 5mm wooden dowel (stick) and lower the dowel into the water. The ant will instinctively separate from the dowel to take advantage of the waters surface tension. If the ant sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats...

He cut the wrong limb.

I start dealing at the casino on Monday

I smoked a cigarettes and I used a timer to recorded the duration: yeah, I took 5 minutes and 52 seconds to smoke one cigarette, very close to the average 6 minutes.

I said “are you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?”

I HAVE WON THE DAY

it's a great sine.

Wonderful guy, terrible cabinet maker.

Edit: thanks for the updoots and awards! You made my Reddit cake day! 😁

My daughter will be 4 in December and I've been teaching her jokes involving animals and the sounds they make. I had taught her;

What do ducks eat? Quackers

What's a cows favourite place to go? To the mooovies.

She thought they were hilarious and for the next few days I would ask her to tell me a joke and she would repeat one of these jokes and we would laugh together. I asked her this morning to tell me a joke expecting one of these same jokes that she knows, then she took me by surprise by asking;

Why was the sheep on the naughty step?

I was taken aback and wondered where it was going, so I replied;

I don't know. Why was the sheep on the naughty step?

Coz he was a baaaad boy.

Few moments of stunned silence then me and the wife looked at eachother, then burst into fits of laughter while my daughter beamed with pride. Her twin brother is often on the naughty step for being a 'bad boy' and I'm thinking that she has put 2 and 2 together and came up with infant/toddler comedy gold. Very clever, and very proud dad.

I keep telling him he has to stop worrying about the worst case scenario

A towel

The teacher said: "Who are you meant to be?"

I said: "Poo bare".

It was a Cornish pastiche.

Himalayan.

A huge lambslide.

No pun in ten did.

I’m a cashew!

"Spare me."

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

This is because he couldn't Cher

At least he put the laughter back into manslaughter.

I smell delicious!

(This is a quote from me on the surgery table. Valium may have been involved.)

He didnt realise it was a "crypto night".

ngl pretty solid pet

Otherwise you’ll look like a right tit.

But on reflection, the garden is too small and I hate the sound of bagpipes

Edit - a tattoo is a also military performance. The most famous of which is done at Edinburgh Castle each year, replete with battalions of pipers

My friend says it's because he is now trans-parent

I became trans parent.

On the downside, I got chicken all over my tennis racket.

,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.

The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''

,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I want is for wars to end.'' She drags forth a handy map of the world. ,,See these countries? They are scarred with ancient bloodfeuds. You should show them peace. Yes, that's my wish.''

,,B-but ma'm, that's impossible! Their hearts are so hardened, and I would have to prevent droughts and hunger and disarm all threats...-'' pleas the genie desperately.

,,Very well, since you're so tired, I guess I'll settle for something else. Now... I've been without a man for so long, and my last husband was nothing short of a rat, so I'd like a man. A man that... does the laundry and the dishes and vaccuums the house. He must be gentle in manners but wild and talented in bed, and of course sexy and handsome. He must love me more than anything else in this world and tell me so each day with a bouquet of flowers. But most of all he'll have to understand me. Yes, that's what I want, the perfect man.''

The genie sighs. ,,Just give me the fucking map.'

I have it narrowed down to a Tee

But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'

“Periodically,” I said

But that’s just my two scents.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

Beautiful man, terrible cabinet maker.