I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.
But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.
As a chemistry teacher, someone asked me during one of my labs if I look at memes.
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian,
I like to spend every day as if it’s my last.
Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.
If I die and come back as a cowboy...
It would be reintarnation
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
I wonder if the host of Jeopardy! absorbed all the trivia he used as answers... he woulda been mighty intelligent...
It would have made him a smart Alec.
I told my wife I was going to accompany her to get her Covid Vaccine, and see if they could do mine as well. She said they probably wouldn't. I replied, "I don't know..."
What would happen if America switched from using pounds to kilograms as a unit a measure?
If I start to identify as an invisible man, does that make me a....
What will happen if your kid comes out as a trans?
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
I would get into trouble as a kid, if I swore in front of an adult.
Now as an adult, I get into trouble for swearing in front of a kid.
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.
Dad: Son, did you know that if you, as an American, go into a bathroom in France you are no longer an American? Son: No, I didn’t. What would I be?
If we wanted evangelical Christians to take the pandemic as a serious threat...
... we should have called it the Quran-o-virus.
Wife asked as I was leaving the bathroom if it was free.
Told her it didn't cost anything so far to use it.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
Act as if you are a carrier...
I asked my wife if she wanted a little Screwdriver as a nightcap.
The eye roll shook the house, but my kids absolutely loved it.
https://i.imgur.com/1Q4vecg.jpg
If Jesus Christ was a dinosaur, would be be known as
Why do you need to be so careful if you're learning about hot air ballooning as a hobby?
It's easy to get carried away.
As if 2020 wasn't crazy enough in Texas today, a herd of cows suddenly burst into flames.
Scientists still don't know what the cattle-lyst was.
Trying to fall asleep a few nights ago, I asked my wife, "If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be?"
She said, "Cats. They check all my boxes." We let that sink in before we both started laughing.
Not sure if this counts as a pun
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.
"No thanks, just looking around."
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
“Oh FUDGE!” I yelled as if I had forgotten something...
As we were driving by the chocolate store. Groans had by all.
My neighbor speaks to her cat as if it could understand her.
I told my dog and we both had a laugh about it
SLPT: If your priest or bishop is molesting your children, tell them to run away in a straight line as priests and bishops can only move diagonally.
/r/ShittyLifeProTips/comm…
My good mate asked me if robotic vacuum cleaners are any good, as she wants to buy one.
I told her; "Don't bother buying one, they suck"
As if it wasn't bad enough being dyslexic...
Now I've got the Racoon virus!
If you really want to have the world as your oyster...
Don't you think that's a little shellfish?
Not sure if this counts as a pun, but...
My mom used to tell me if I ate all my meat I would become as strong as an ox, but that couldn't be true
because I've never seen an ox eating meat.
If I was a superhero, I would be known as Typo Man.
My daughter acted as if she didn't enjoy this one, but I KNOW she did...
http://i.imgur.com/xTjEZNI.jpg
My wife keeps telling me writing my V's as B's makes me Russian. Well, if that's the case..
If pronouncing my Bs as Vs makes me Russian
If pronouncing my 'b's' as 'v's' makes me sound Russian....
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound russian...Then soviet.
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are expected to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
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