What will happen if your kid comes out as a trans?
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 15 2020
I would get into trouble as a kid, if I swore in front of an adult.
Now as an adult, I get into trouble for swearing in front of a kid.
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 09 2020
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, Iβve heard theyβre the healthier alternatives.
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Dad: Son, did you know that if you, as an American, go into a bathroom in France you are no longer an American? Son: No, I didnβt. What would I be?
Dad: Youβre a peeinβ.
π︎ 57
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︎ Sep 06 2020
If we wanted evangelical Christians to take the pandemic as a serious threat...
... we should have called it the Quran-o-virus.
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 18 2020
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are expected to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
π︎ 9
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︎ Oct 13 2020
Wife asked as I was leaving the bathroom if it was free.
Told her it didn't cost anything so far to use it.
π︎ 12
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︎ Aug 10 2020
I donβt care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy Iβve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jul 23 2020
If pronouncing my Bβs as Vβs makes me sound russian...Then soviet.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Aug 25 2019
Act as if you are a carrier...
π︎ 15
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︎ Jun 10 2020
I asked my wife if she wanted a little Screwdriver as a nightcap.
The eye roll shook the house, but my kids absolutely loved it.
https://i.imgur.com/1Q4vecg.jpg
π︎ 13
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︎ May 19 2020
Why do you need to be so careful if you're learning about hot air ballooning as a hobby?
It's easy to get carried away.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 19 2020
If Jesus Christ was a dinosaur, would be be known as
π︎ 4
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︎ Jun 08 2020
As if 2020 wasn't crazy enough in Texas today, a herd of cows suddenly burst into flames.
Scientists still don't know what the cattle-lyst was.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 14 2020
Trying to fall asleep a few nights ago, I asked my wife, "If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be?"
She said, "Cats. They check all my boxes." We let that sink in before we both started laughing.
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 28 2020
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.
"No thanks, just looking around."
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 16 2020
βOh FUDGE!β I yelled as if I had forgotten something...
As we were driving by the chocolate store. Groans had by all.
π︎ 16
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︎ Apr 16 2020
Not sure if this counts as a pun
π︎ 22
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︎ Oct 31 2019
My neighbor speaks to her cat as if it could understand her.
I told my dog and we both had a laugh about it
π︎ 38
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︎ Feb 04 2020
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
π︎ 43
π
︎ Nov 14 2019
My good mate asked me if robotic vacuum cleaners are any good, as she wants to buy one.
I told her; "Don't bother buying one, they suck"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 17 2020
If you really want to have the world as your oyster...
Don't you think that's a little shellfish?
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 21 2020
As if it wasn't bad enough being dyslexic...
Now I've got the Racoon virus!
π︎ 12
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︎ Mar 10 2020
SLPT: If your priest or bishop is molesting your children, tell them to run away in a straight line as priests and bishops can only move diagonally.
/r/ShittyLifeProTips/commβ¦
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 28 2019
My mom used to tell me if I ate all my meat I would become as strong as an ox, but that couldn't be true
because I've never seen an ox eating meat.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 14 2020
If I was a superhero, I would be known as Typo Man.
π︎ 88
π
︎ May 30 2019
Not sure if this counts as a pun, but...
π︎ 71
π
︎ Mar 20 2019
If police dogs are known as K9
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 14 2019
The mayor of Cowville hosted a citywide celebration of their milk. At the opening ceremony the mayor stood proudly above a pool of milk to show the exceptional quality. Unfortunately as he left the stage he fell into the pool of milk. The townsmen quickly rescued him and asked if he was okay:
"Yes", he said, "I'm all-white".
π︎ 6
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︎ Aug 24 2019
If you dress up as santa claus is it claus-playing?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 12 2019
If youβre happy right now as an electrician, your passion is current
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 02 2019
If you have lambda as variable that cancels out, does that make it a sacrificial lambda? Ξ»βf = 2xΞ» i + 2yΞ» j + 2zΞ» k
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 04 2019
For halloween, my daughter dressed up as Mary Poppins, and then asked me if she could just skip the vegan neighbor's house.
When I her asked why, she said it was because their "Stupid Cauliflower Licorice Tastes A Lot Like Dog Shit."
π︎ 10
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︎ Sep 05 2019
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center... The interviewer asked me if I can work well under pressure
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jul 13 2019
My daughter acted as if she didn't enjoy this one, but I KNOW she did...
http://i.imgur.com/xTjEZNI.jpg
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Oct 17 2016
If someone who was RG colorblind and had REDdit would they see the app as Blackdit?
Black, Red color blindness. Reddit Blackdit
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 24 2019
If you take up drawing as a mid-life hobby, but you just can't get past tracing...
You may be having an exit-stencil crisis.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 09 2019
My wife keeps telling me writing my V's as B's makes me Russian. Well, if that's the case..
π︎ 550
π
︎ Jun 23 2018
If Russians pronounce B's as V's
π︎ 23
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︎ Jul 19 2019
I wonder if colorblind people read Colorado as "ado".
π︎ 80
π
︎ May 25 2019
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
π︎ 30k
π
︎ Aug 27 2018
If pronouncing bβs as vβs makes me sound Russian
π︎ 15
π
︎ Mar 02 2020
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
π︎ 102
π
︎ Nov 04 2019
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Nov 09 2019
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
π︎ 52
π
︎ Oct 31 2019
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 26 2019
If pronouncing all my "B's" as "V's" make me sound Russian
π︎ 133
π
︎ Jan 17 2019
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 13 2019
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