A man is out ice fishing, but not having any luck. But he sees a guy across the lake pulling out fish after fish.

So the man goes over and says β€œI’ve been watching you catch so many fish today, but I’m getting nothing. What’s your secret?”

The other man says β€œMffffmmm mmmm mfffmmmm mmmmm”

The first man says β€œWhat?”

The other man spits something into his hand and says β€œI said, you gotta keep your worms warm!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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What did the fish say when it couldn't swim any further?

"Dam"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaffynitionMaker
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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What do you call a fish without any eyes?

Fsh.

- you can thank my daughter for this one, so is it strictly speaking a dad joke?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elokwins
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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I just got back from Japan and my son asked if I saw any koi fish.

I said no, the fish there were actually pretty sociable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourmomophobe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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Walking into any aquarium or fish restaurant

"(I don't know),Β y’all, something smells fishy here."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Commander_Doggo_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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Yesterday I witnesseded a very odd behaviour of a shark, it just swam beside other fish without any intention to harm it

I think it followed ocean's ethical cod.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oded_Gendelman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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Apparently, when hungry, wild goldfish will attack any other sea creature to steal their food, except for large fish with fins.

Because then they'd they'd be jumping the shark.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOtaku
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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My dad walked into the fish mongers, and asked if he had any muscles...

Yes, said the monger. Well can you help me move my fridge, said my dad?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
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Fish never have any luck in court

They’re always gill-ty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PKMKII
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
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Me and my dad went fishing and didn’t lose any gear. However we found a free net.

I guess you could say it was a net gain

Based on a true story

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pancakesnarfer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Are any of you guys familiar with fly fishing?

I hear you need a REALLY tiny hook to catch one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGuyWithThePie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. πŸ€ͺ🀣

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Many years after the great flood, God came to Noah again and spoke: β€œNoah, it is my wish that you build another ark.”

Rather worried, Noah said β€œBut my Lord, have the people not been good this time? Must there be another flood?”

β€œNo, there will not be a flood, the people have been good.” Said the Lord.

β€œThen why another ark?” Asked Noah.

β€œI wish for this ark to only house fish.” The Lord replied.

A slightly confused Noah responded β€œOkay... I shall do as you wish my Lord.”

β€œBut not just any fish; only carp.” The Lord said unto him.

Noah, now more bemused, replied β€œUh- okay my Lord.”

β€œOne more thing.” The Lord said unto him β€œit needs to have multiple levels.”

β€œAre you sure my Lord? What is the purpose of this? What on earth is it all for?” Noah pressed.

And God said: β€œI want you to build a multi-story carp-ark.”

Passed from my father unto me, to pass onto my son when he becomes a father.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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A friend of mine was telling me about her first day working at a zoo...

When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage. Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead. By now she didn’t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.

The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions β€œso what’s the food like here??” The other lions responded...

β€œActually it’s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SidB_22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank

One fish turns to the other and says, 'Any idea on how to drive this thing ?'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Eating fish makes you smarter

You’ve heard that eating fish makes you smarter? Well, here’s the proof!

A customer at the local grocery store marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.

β€œTell me, what makes you so smart?” he asked the owner.

β€œI wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” came the reply. Then, lowering his voice so the other shoppers wouldn’t hear, he continued. β€œBut since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”

β€œYou sell them here?” the customer asked.

β€œOnly $4 apiece,” said the grocer.

The customer quickly bought three. A week later, he was back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he wasn’t any smarter.

β€œYou didn’t eat enough,” replied the store owner, and the customer went home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he was back and this time he was really angry.

β€œHey,” he said, β€œYou’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2.You’re ripping me off!”

β€œYou see?” replied the grocer.β€œYou’re smarter already.”

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/eating-fish-makes-you-smarter/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Need sea-themed christmas puns

Anything to do with fish or the ocean please! I haven't sea-n any reely good ones yet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sazul
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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Imagine you're in the 1800s....

You're in a large city with a great port. You're in a nicer part of town, away from the water, in a nice inn. You're having a meal of potatoes. You look down - there's a toe! The toe smells like tar and fish. It stinks. Your neighbor leans over and says, "P.U.! That's not just any toe!! That's a portmanteau!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bonespear
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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Run out of pun

I thought about posting another fish pun today.... But I'm trying to scale back. If you've got any let Minnow

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GanZheng
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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[request] Need a pun for a fish name.

We are naming two fish we just bought. One is Gillary Finton. We need a pun for Donald Trump that works for fish. It doesn't have to be specific to any kind of fish just needs to be a pun off of the name Donald Trump.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudewithdrums
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2017
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A man is auditioning for a role in an opera production the local opera company is putting on.

He's been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he's come down with a sore throat and can't hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.

"I'm sorry," says the director, "but we can't delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I'll let you in on a little opera house secret." The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. "Drink this. It's a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again."

The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. "Euch! This is... awful! What's in this tea anyways?"

"Well, it's a secret herbal tea blend made with... well... fish broth." The director replies. "Tuna, specifically. We've found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we've tried."

Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.

At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. "So... what did you think? Did I get the part or not?" He asks.

"I'm sorry," said the director, "you performed well, but we've decided to give the part to someone else."

"That's OK," the man says, "I'm just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kojo2047
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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A classic dadjoke at the dinnertable

[The family have just sat down at the dinner table for their evening meal together, and are chatting about their day and the food]

Mother: Oh, by the way, if anyone wants any more fish fingers, they're cooking in the oven.

Daughter: Okay. How long will they be?

Father: About two and a half inches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megamouth2
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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Funny name for a Rat character in D&D?

I made a rat character who managed to lose his name, and now I have to find a new one. I was hoping /r/puns could help me make my DM facepalm.

Helpful information: Is aquatic (half-fish) Stole the core out of a water elemental once. Accidentally killed a dragon. Original alias: Mega Rat.

I know there's a joke in here somewhere, I just can't find it. Thanks for any help!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/markdeedavis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
🚨︎ report
Just heard this cracker

Son: Are there any more Fish Fingers?

Dad: Yes, they're in the oven.

Son: How long will they be?

Dad: About 4 inches

Son: ΰ² _ΰ² 

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OneAnimeBatman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2014
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I just want you guys to know....

My friend and I are planning on starting a seafood shop on the beach called "Standoffish Stand of Fish". We will be the rudest, most clever staff of any restaurant, ever.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarkTraceur
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2012
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Fish sticks.

A family sits down to a meal of fish sticks, fries and peas. One daughter arrives late to the table, and all of the fish sticks have already been claimed. "Are there any more fish sticks" she asks, to which the father replies "yeah, they're in the oven". "How long do you think they'll be" she queries, "about 4 inches".

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jello_Shot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
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Dad told me an old one he once said to a friend

The two were ice fishing, and the wind had blown away some patches that became really slippery, and the two of them weren't wearing any boot spikes. Dad slips and falls right on his chin, seeing stars and nearly passed out. tries to get up but can't, just lays face down on the ice for a bit to get his bearings.

Friend: Hey Bill you alright?

Dad: Yeah I'm fine, I got ice on it.

apparently the friend laughed so hard he slipped and fell on the ice as well

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iceman19-2000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
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Waiter told us tonight's special was "Jerk fish"

I asked if they had any "nice fish".

Girlfriend just sat there and rolled her eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradyHoke
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my dad while fishing today.

I went speckled trout fishing today with my dad and uncle and they were getting a little annoyed because I kept pulling in fish and they weren't even getting a bite. So my dad started making fun of the way I was standing because I was in the middle of the boat so I had one foot on the floor by the seats and one foot up on the deck, kind of like the captain Morgan pose. Dad: Why you keep standing like that? Me: Because it gives me a leg up on the fish. He just grinned and went back to not catching any fish.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crampedlicense
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fish with two knees?

A two-knee fish

(The joke my dad tells any time he sees or someone mentions tuna)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_butter_fingers
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2013
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Me and my grandpa

I was raised by my grandpa and when we'd go fishing there's this sign that says "bear creek cemetery"

Me:bear creek huh, do you think the ever see any bears down there?

Pop: maybe a bare ass

Pop: I wonder if that's a cemetery for all them bears they have down there?

Me: maybe it's a cemetery for the creeks to

Pop: I'm sure they had a proper bear-ial

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/somerandomtexan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
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Since we're on fish puns...

We took a plastic fish to a marching rehearsal at my university last year. Afterwards, we proceeded to have a conversation that was one pun after another.

"Fish. That is all."

"Just for the halibut."

"Oh for the love of cod, can we not bring this here?"

"Seriously, I will krill every last one of you."

"I'm not squidding with you guys. This scampi happening any more."

"Sorry. I couldn't resist the oppor-tuna-ty."

"You're floundering."

"Why, pollocks! I'm just getting started!"

"Don't worry. His shark is worse than his bite."

"Don't trout my pun ability."

"'Pun ability' my bass! You wouldn't know a fish joke if it sprat you in the eye!"

"I might need to go see a sturgeon. These jokes are killing me."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaws9182
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad and I are fisherman and he just dropped this one on me...

He is on his annual week long fishing trip and I wasnt able to go this year so he's been sending me pictures of some of his better fish. He sends me a pic of a nice 4lbs Largemouth Bass with a cheeky smile. So I call and I ask him what he caught it on and without any delay and being completely serious..."a hook"...I sigh and just hang up on him haha

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karowhack
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2014
🚨︎ report
Grandpa-Dad joke Combo

While fishing with a friend, his dad and his grandpa, we weren't having any luck.

Friend: "I just need one stupid fish to bite this bait."

Friend's Grandpa: "You need one that didn't go to school"

Friend's dad: "But they are all in schools!!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theKimballer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2014
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I work at a pawnshop/payday loan store and the payday loan girl was trying to fill the store ATM..

Girl: You guys have any twenties?

Boss: Go fish!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/haydskies
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
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I went on a boat with my dad

While we were eating lunch, one of the passengers asked if we would have to fish out any trash that fell overboard and my dad told him not to talk about his fellow passengers like that.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Annie_fly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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Fishing joke

Every time my dad bated my rod as a kid he would ask just before I walked away "got any sevens?" I would reply "no" and he'd say "go fish."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dave_gropperfish
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2013
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TIL Metabolism

TIL there is a sea insect with a metabolic system completely different to that of any other creature, but it's apparently much worse. It's in-a-fish-ant.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redchilliprod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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What do you call a fish without any eyes?

A fsh

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fava18
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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What do you call a Fish without any eyes

Blind.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spicey-__
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
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How long will the fish fingers be?

Me: Are there any fish fingers left? Dad: There are some in the oven. Me: how long will they be? Dad: About four inches.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iSaySoda
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2015
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