Happy Father's Day applies to all humans and animals as well. But apparently it doesn't matter to elephants.

For them, it's irrelephant.

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👤︎ u/pdaddydlg
đź“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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I know my wife is vegan, she doesn't like any human use of animals....

Even her opinions can't be suede.

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👤︎ u/virtual_no_body
đź“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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Son: "Did you hear about those lunatics? They've been troubling humans and the animals alike!"

Dad: "Really?! Last time I checked there were no ticks on the moon."

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👤︎ u/skaa0
đź“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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Sex change operations are one thing, but Human to animal operations really give me paws.
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👤︎ u/Newt24
đź“…︎ Aug 23 2017
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What an absolute ewenit
đź‘Ť︎ 11k
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👤︎ u/Aevaeternity
đź“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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My dad being a dad while playing Cards Against Humanity

SFW: https://imgur.com/Yg6JRDJ

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👤︎ u/Fatkin
đź“…︎ Mar 02 2018
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What is the meaning of life?

According to the dictionary: "the existence of an individual human being or animal"

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👤︎ u/neudeu
đź“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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Got my whole class with this gem...

So we were talking about what separates humanity from the rest of the animal kingdom, and we got on the subject of mice. Prof had mentioned that a mouse will laugh if you tickle it's belly, but you can't tell it a good joke. My reply: "it might if it's really cheesy"

badum, tiss

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đź“…︎ Jan 26 2016
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Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. “WHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothing—just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

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👤︎ u/vorschlaghammer
đź“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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