Already Gone Puns

Me: aren’t you “grad-u-ate” before we came here?

So I went to the store earlier, and decided to get some steaks and burgers that I could throw on the grill in case our power goes out again (which it probably will). Almost all of the meat was gone from the main part of the case, but I saw some nice cuts in the section up above. I grabbed an employee and asked him to get them down for me, and I asked why they hadn't moved them down already. He just shrugged and said "It's been crazy in here all day. The steaks have never been higher."

I had gone to the dentist earlier in the day and I had a cavity.

Dad: "So is this your first cavity?"

Me: "No, I had one when I was younger."

Dad: "Okay, so you already know the drill."

Badum tsssss

However, it had already gone under :(

So I get back home from college this weekend and my mom was explaining to me how we had a pretty bad ant infestation coming in through our kitchen wall.

My dad proceeds to tell me that he's gone through two bags of ant bait (they pick the food up and bring it back to the hive) already.

I say, oh wow you must be getting pretty good at killing ants then, and he says "I guess you can just call me the master-baiter". I had to stop and literally applaud him. My mom just rolled her eyes as usual, but I have to give it to the old man this time.

John Deavensmit was not having a good time. After an incident involving a coffee spill, he'd been sued for $50 million, and somehow the jury had ruled against him. There was no way he could pay that much money; he'd go bankrupt.

Naturally, he filed for an appeal, but the winner of the case was already beginning to hound him for money, hoping to get at least something before the judgement was overturned. John was nearly at his wit's end before he found an unusual package in his mailbox.

It was from a couple of his friends, who all went on to law school when John left to create a startup. They'd all been very successful, and had gone on to be justices at various levels, from courts in a small county in Wisconsin all the way to the Supreme Court. When he opened it up, he was surprised to see an ink drawing of a thick wooden stick. It was signed by his friends, and accompanied by a note:

> Hey John, > > We're sorry to hear about your loss in court last month. We met up at a judge conference in the Davison Center, and we thought that we'd do something special for you. We met up in the Grapefruit Room and all worked together to draw this. We hope you enjoy it! > > Your friends

Now, John had been to D.C. a few times, and knew about the Davison Centre. It was renowned for its very offbeat architecture. The Grapefruit Room was one of the weirdest: it had been constructed by taking a world-record grapefruit, carving out the flesh, and preserving the rind. The result was a walk-in fruit, and it always smelled of citrus.

It took John a while to work out the significance of the gift, but when he realized it, he was overjoyed. His good friends had seen fit to grant him a stave judge-men penned in a peel.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

I recently subscribed to this sub and it's my new favorite. I shamelessly stole the "tan line" joke for Facebook and a nerd volley with another dad ensued quickly.

Me: Wow, this warmer weather is getting me ready for spring. Hey, I'm already getting ready for summer, check out my tan line! <graph of tangent>

Him: It's certainly not a farmer's tan line...not straight enough.

Me: No farmer's life for me. It's not something I'd sine up for.

Him: ...and I wouldn't cosine your startup loan. (groan)

Me: Sheesh, there's no reason to be hyperbolic.

Him: I really must learn how to integrate all your math vocabulary into my daily life.

Me: You'd really have to think of some way to differentiate yours from mine.

Him: heh...maybe after I move to the delta and crawl under a natural log. I'm sorry, it just struck me that I'm acting the total asymptote.

Me: Ugh. The average of the posts in this thread is degenerating.

Him: We've traversed a slippery slope and while I don't mean to be mean we've gone way past the apex of this thread.

My wife: Nerds.

Me: You married me.