All of the world’s leading tea producers gathered to brew the best cups of tea. It was a steep competition.
Saudi Arabia is taking control of all oil drilling and refinery work in Mexico. It will henceforth be known as...
I recently went to a garage sale of electronic devices and gadgets. It was all reasonably priced, even the dead batteries.
Those were actually given free of charge.
Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?
To avoid false positives.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
When it was my first prom I was really nervous, and this called me to be really thirsty. As a song ends, I see my opportunity and all of a sudden I rush to the punch bowl.
Calling birth control pills “birth control pills” is clear and all, but it’s a bit of a missed opportunity.
They should be called anti-dependents.
My gf and I are removing old ducting from our house that contains asbestos. She asked if the workers will for sure be able to get rid of it all.
I told her they'll do asbestos they can!
"Why won't you let go of your new hair gel?" asked my wife. "You've had it in your hands all evening!"
Stupid woman.
On the lid it clearly says "Twenty four hour hold".
It’s hard to get a hold of any M&M’s these days, because Sweden has garnered them all. Consumers strangely have sympathies though…
It’s the stock all M syndrome.
It’s impossible to catch Covid if you put all of your Christmas decorations up.
Your house will be fully Santatized.
The other day, I dreamt about a young horse that was so unruly. It refused to do anything during the day, but spent all of the dark hours being wild, running and fighting any other animals it could find.
I said to my sister "did you know there's a computer currently calculating all the digits of pi?" she asked "when did it start?"
I told her "at 3"
This was an actual conversation me and my sister had lol
I took all of my savings, converted it to cash and put it in a boat
I feel much better now that my money is offshore
Breaking news: The cast of Friends have all made it back to shore alive after an incident where they got stuck at sea. Matt Le Blanc was quoted saying “The engines blew up, and none of us had any real experience with sailing, but it was okay...
Johnny Cash's cover of that Nine Inch Nails song used to make me really emotional, but now it doesn't affect me at all.
I think I've achieved Hurt immunity.
What do you call it when a group of people all cough at once?
What's it called when a hospital loses all of its Labor & Delivery nurses?
I went to my brother's wedding last night. It was extremely emotional for all of us.
Even the cake was in tiers.
Put up a shelf today, and I’m keeping it solely for all of my Disney movies on DVD.
Let’s see how it holds up.
If you’ve never heard of jai alai, you should watch some jai-alaits to see what it’s all about
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
I made a spreadsheet of all the grassy plains in Scotland, but lost it when my computer crashed.
I really struggled with 2020 all year. Sadly, at the end of it...
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
What do you call it when you only have a little butter left and you use it all on one last piece of toast?
Someone is going around smashing all of the shells at the beach. It’s unconchinable
Benedict Cumberbatch got tired of all the jokes on his name and changed it to Benedict Batch
When I order Indian food I get to eat all of it myself.
No one else ever wants naan.
What would it be called the Birth of Jesus if they were all cats?
Just found this store by chance called Ollie’s. Aside from all the great liquidation sales, the walls are a pun gold mine! I felt it be a crime not to post pictures of it on here.
reddit.com/gallery/iij3ts
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.”
REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! :D
Did you guys hear about the new Space Jam sequel where Marvin the Martian joins the Monstars, scores all of their points and they win it all?
You should check it out, it’s a really good Martian Scores’easy film
It’s only the second day of Hanukkah, and my wife already ate all of the chocolate in the house...
My wife was commenting on one of our cats and its big belly. I said, "I don't get it. She eats protein all day...
...she's on Catkins."
(one of these days my wife's eyes are gonna get stuck in the eye-rolling position)
My tree is very smart. At its current age, it understands all branches of mathematics. But when it was just a little sapling...
It only knew twigonometry
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...
...that's where I finally had to draw the line.
Why not just put all of it?
I was making a sandwich and all of a sudden it flew away
I spent all day preserving the fruit of my garden. You could say it was a jam packed day.
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: “Ugh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.”
“That was pepper spray.”
Got me!
The school made the use of "bullet points" illegal because it incited violence in the classroom, and I must admit I couldn't have cared less. That's all changed now, though.
The bus driver isn't allowed to drive my kids anymore because we live on a dead end street.
I made a list of all the people I hate … but my roommate rolled a joint with it …
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
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