I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a raging weed and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs ‘WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?’
Edit: so happy that one of my home-made dad-jokes is so well-received :) thanks, everyone!
I was going to tell you all a joke about time travel.
Unfortunately none of you liked it.
I was wondering where you guys get all these funny dad jokes from?
Then I came to the conclusion that they're just all kept in a dadabase.....
I'll see myself out
🚪🚶🏾♂️
I was up all night wondering where the sun was.
I rallied the kids and we all secretly did house work while Mom was out running errands
It was a cleandestine operation.
Was up all night trying to think of a cake day joke, alas I have failed.
I’m in tiers
At least I’m baked.
I read an article the other day. It was rather specific but i hope you all enjoy it too.
My family wanted me to fly out for the holidays. I told them I couldn't because I was banned by all airlines. When my family asked "why". I looked them dead in the eyes and told them the truth- It's because....
I just can’t believe this, robbers broke into my house, but all they took was my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
I was wondering why the chef was out of work all day
He had too much Thyme on his hands
I stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun was
And then it dawned on me.
I went on a Native American archeological dig, and all I found was some fake teeth. They're not museum worthy, but
They were a nice souix veneer.
I was trying to figure out where the sun went all night long.
The next morning it dawned on me.
When I was little my brother drank all the soda in my cup at McDonalds and gave it back. I asked how that was fair and he said…
I went to the store to search for the most British brew of cuppa, all I found was Glottal tea.
I used to make a decent living as a potato farmer, but after my brother said how much money he was making with chickens I invested heavily in them myself last year. But they all died.
Only thing I can figure is that I either planted them too deep or too far apart.
I was dropping hints all over the place.
Guys, I was up distraught last night. I just couldn’t figure it out. I was looking all over for the Sun. Where had it gone?
But then it dawned on me.
The other day, I dreamt about a young horse that was so unruly. It refused to do anything during the day, but spent all of the dark hours being wild, running and fighting any other animals it could find.
Did I tell y’all music was coming out of my printer?
I was driving down the interstate and this bug splattered all over my windshield
I bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again.
I was arrested yesterday for blasting Engelbert Humperdinck music all night.
Police released me, let me go.
Can't remember where I heard this one, but... I took my kids to this new zoo, but all it had was a single dog
Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent.
I entered a rain dance competition but didn’t win. All I got was a precipitation ribbon.
My first car was really slow and tiny, so I painted the letter s all over it.
Then, when I drove through town, people would always say, "hey, look at that little escargot!"
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
I was all set to have a brain transplant...
...but then I changed my mind.
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
I walked into a bankrupt Liquor Store and noticed all of the liquor was gone except for a stack of White Claw packs..
I went up to the manager and asked why did he still have those and he replied “oh.. those are hard-to-sell-sir”
I was having doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out..it was a safe purchase.
I was up all last night wondering where the sun went
When suddenly it dawned on me.
My wife was out running errands today so this is what I’ve been doing all afternoon
I have a friend who a Phd in interactions of matter and energy at all length and time scales in the physical universe. The only job he could get was at a soda factory.
In a roundabout way, he did become a fizzicist.
When I was young my mom would tear out the last page of all my comics. She wouldn't tell me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I was really disappointed to see my high school valedictorian at the beach just feeding a baby dolphin. I told him that we had all expected big things from him.
He looked at me and said simply, "hey, I'm serving a youthful porpoise."
Credit to the late, great Norm MacDonald, whose version is lengthier and, of course, funnier.
I went to my brother's wedding last night. It was extremely emotional for all of us.
Even the cake was in tiers.
I was scared when my goat herder friend Hans insisted on home births for his children but they were all born happy and healthy.
I guess German Shepards aren't such a dangerous breed after all!
Some rude chap I know was evicted from all of his mansions.
I was making country puns DENMARK, one of my friends, all of SWEDEN started RUSSIAN into my talk , Mark yelled, “UGANDA be kidding me what are you GHANA do with these puns?” IRAN out of patience and said KENYA please shutup and be KUWAIT. ?
I was sitting at a red light with my family, when all of a sudden I said "Look, son! A super hero!"
When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
I was really mad when our local pub decided to hang all their dartboards from the ceiling.
It really makes me want to throw up.
I heard it rained all weekend down there. How was your guys camping trip, what did you do?
Well it was really in tents.
I was gonna tell you all a time travel joke...
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
