While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
If you say Awomen after Amen,
How do you feel when you get sick after eating Mediterranean food?
How can you prove that the "I" before "E" except after "C" doesn't always apply ?
When you said life would go back to normal after June...
After a lecture, a theoretical physicist is asked, "Can you explain what you just said in plain English?"
To which he replied, "It's in the field of possibilities."
What do you call a cow after she gets an annulment?
Do you know what happened to Jack Ma after he criticized the Chinese Government?
To those worried about eating salad after the recent e coli outbreaks, I have three words for you.
what do you have after milking the holy cow?
What do you call a unidentified body after a long time?
Did you hear about the guy who bought an electric car and got in a wreck just after he left the dealership?
He turned over a new Leaf.
Do you know what’s next after the USA?
Did you hear about the daughter Anakin had after becoming more machine than man?
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
Can you believe that they are still together after all of the crap they have been through?
Did you hear about the artist who gave up on his uncompleted drawing after accidentally breaking his pencil?
Apparently, there was no point to continue drawing the picture
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
Did you know the Allen key was named after the guy who invented it.
His name was Sir Anthony Key
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks “What are you counting?”
And the guy says “how many tattoos I have now”
Where should you go to find a date after you leave your ex?
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game?
Apparently, that's not allowed in bowling. I know that now.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
After a long hike to the top of a mountain, my wife asked me, “So what do you think of The View?”
I said, “Whoopi Goldberg is ok, but I don’t like the other women on the show.”
Had the wife stop the movie to watch a quick clip. After she sat down I told her" You could cut the dogs feet off".
She said "I don't understand.....".
I said " UN-PAUSE".
I had to explain it to her...
How do you find Will Smith after a snow storm?
You follow the fresh prints
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.”
..Then you can witness The Fall of Rome.
Where do you bury asphalt after it dies?
Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"
Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"
This has been a crazy year. After everything that has happened though do you want to know the one thing that I can’t get over ?
What do you call medical professionals who don't feed their patients after an overnight stay in the hospital?
Doctors without boarders.
I just got my girlfriend with this: “You heard about that country named after Becky Stan?”
Her: “Who’s Becky Stan? 🤨
... Ohhh 😖”
What do you call Batman and Robin after getting run over by a car?
A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, “here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, “are you a vet?”
He said, “vet? I’m fucking soaking”
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said “ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said
Many years after the great flood, God came to Noah again and spoke: “Noah, it is my wish that you build another ark.”
Rather worried, Noah said “But my Lord, have the people not been good this time? Must there be another flood?”
“No, there will not be a flood, the people have been good.” Said the Lord.
“Then why another ark?” Asked Noah.
“I wish for this ark to only house fish.” The Lord replied.
A slightly confused Noah responded “Okay... I shall do as you wish my Lord.”
“But not just any fish; only carp.” The Lord said unto him.
Noah, now more bemused, replied “Uh- okay my Lord.”
“One more thing.” The Lord said unto him “it needs to have multiple levels.”
“Are you sure my Lord? What is the purpose of this? What on earth is it all for?” Noah pressed.
And God said:
“I want you to build a multi-story carp-ark.”
Passed from my father unto me, to pass onto my son when he becomes a father.
Did you know male bees die after having sex?
They call it the “honey nut cheerio”.
What do you call a person who is having withdrawals after stopping using drugs?
You know what I said after digging a hole and finding water?
After reading this you might be an aware-wolf
Son: Dad what are you going to do today? Dad: Well first I'm going to get a pair of glasses. Son: And after that?
Did you know what did the Grrman Bread said to another German Bread after tapping on his shoulder ?
Gluten Tag.
edit : i fucked up the title
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
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