Did you hear about the insect that comes back to life after it dies?
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" Beaming with pride, I responded, "Yes. Steve!" She giggled, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" I replied, "Thanks!"
"But what do you think we should call the baby?"
Did you know that I was named after George Washington?
It's true! George Washington was named in the 18th century, while I was named in the 20th.
After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because...
What Do You Call a Cow After It’s Given Birth?
did you hear about the man who almost died after his left arm and leg got cut off?
Did you hear about the midget psychic that is on the run after robbing a bank?
Police say she is a small medium at large.
...Reposted after a horrible misspell, fat fingers and no proof reading make for a terrible post. Apologies
An old man goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the old man is hard of hearing. After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "I need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."
The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor and asks his wife, "What did the Doctor say?"
The wife replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear."
Did you hear about the guy who drowned after lighting a fire in his canoe?
He didn't know that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Did you hear about the guy who passed out after leaving his car running in the garage?
An older man was lounging on the sofa one evening with his glasses off. His wife joined him, and began slowly running her fingers through his hair. After a few moments she said, “You know, honey, without your glasses on, you still look just like the young, handsome man I married 50 years ago”…
The husband replied, “Thanks honey… Without my glasses on, so do you.”
LPT - If you're cremated after you die
you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night
You know what happened to my butcher after he didn't sell any pig products for the entire month of April?
What do you get after doing a grape job?
What do you call Snow White after she fought a fire breathing dragon?
Puddle-of-water Clear
(Courtesy of my 9yo daughter!)
What do you call a cow after an earthquake?
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"
Did you know that sharks sometimes chase after boats?
Did you hear about the army that had to surrender after a tank ran over the general’s legs?
They all suffered from crushing de-feat.
If you should ever get locked out of your house, try talking calmly to the door. After all, communication is key 🔑
Did you know that after a male bee has sexy time that he dies? His life can be summed up into 3 words….
How do you call taking a shit after drinking coffee?
Did you hear about the Referee that spotted the fake French pastry after it was tossed on the football field?
He threw a flag and yelled “False Tart!”
What do you call a sea animal that looks after others?
What do you give an actress who's on her period after a performance?
After a night on the town with Batman, her friends asked, “where were you last night?”
After an excessive night of bank robbing, what is that pain you are experiencing?
Did you hear the nursery rhyme where one letter leaves the other after they have sex?
"do you smoke after sex?"
"I'm not sure, I've never looked down at it afterwards"
How do you keep a house warm after painting it
You add an extra coat
h/t Geico commercial!
I said to my son, "Did you know I was named after Thomas Jefferson?"
He goes, "No you weren't. Your name is Jenny."
I respond, "Yup! I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson!"
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
What do you call a police station after it’s been flooded?
Did you know that Germany produced some of the best animal doctors in the world after WW II?
They were veteran Aryans.
Hey guys! Did you hear about the fancy new cooking show that got cancelled after only one episode?
After a few weeks of nightly dad jokes from this subreddit (thank you all!)...
I had this conversation with my daughter at bedtime the night before garbage day.
Daughter: If you wear this [unicorn shaped hoodie] you'll become a unicorn.
Me: Well this unicorn needs to go take out the garbage.
Daughter: Taking out the garbage isn't a unicorn's duty. A unicorn's doody is rainbows.
Equal amounts of ugh and pride.
My friend asked me, “Is sex any different after you have a vasectomy?”
I said, “You don’t notice a vas deferens.”
What do you say to a watch repair person after returning your watch?
Nevada, to California after a big earthquake: Are you okay?
California: NA, I'm CA, dummy.
Did you hear about the aromatherapist who went crazy after losing their business?
They stopped making scents.
If you multiply the time after the thunder with the speed, you get the distance.
So when you divide the distance by the speed you know exactly how fast you counted.
-Herman Finkers.
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game?
Apparently that’s not allowed in bowling. I know that now.
If you refuse to pay the cleric after an exorcism?
Are you subject to a repossession?
After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because...
Did you know that your pupils are the last parts to stop working after you die?
Pupils are one of the last parts of the body to stop working after you die.
Grasshopper walks into a bar. Barman says "I've got a drink named after you"
Grasshopper says "What? Eric?"
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