A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
I have a hunch you will like this joke
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
I drew a strawbeary π₯° π
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said βShe obviously has COVID!β βWhy would you think that?β I asked.
βBecause she has no taste.β
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Her: Iβm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
When my wife found me playing with my sonβs train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...
Is this a trick question?
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.
He has selfie steam issues.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
I love a good build up
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
Today I learned that Bruce Lee had a vegan brother.
π︎ 518
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now heβs high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
π︎ 20k
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot.
Now, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B!
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
I bought a pen that can write underwater
... it can write other words as well.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
I went in for a Covid test and my doctor asked if I had a sudden loss of taste
"No, I always dress like this", I replied.
π︎ 600
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
A man walks into his doctorβs office and says, βDoctor, I think Iβm addicted to Twitter.β
The doctor looks at him and says, βSorry, I donβt follow you."
π︎ 769
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
I had a friend who smoked weed on Mount Everest.
He told me he was really high.
π︎ 109
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, βIs it to scale?β I replied, βNoβ¦β
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. Sheβs a keeper.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
My wife told me Iβve grown as a person
Her actual word were βyouβve gotten fatβ, but I know what she meant.
π︎ 983
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back.
No body laughed at that time, but eventually everyone got it.
π︎ 292
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
π︎ 436
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
I got fired from a calendar factory today.
They didn't like it that I took a few days off.
π︎ 170
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
I started a band called "Blanket"
π︎ 96
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"
I said "you got perfect eyesight."
π︎ 498
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
When I was a kid I thought weβd all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
π︎ 349
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
I just found out that Einstein was a real person...
I always thought he was a theoretical physicist.
π︎ 59
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
I yelled into a colander...
...and now my voice is strained.
π︎ 351
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
I'm going to start a yacht building business in my attic
Sails should go through the roof
π︎ 190
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
π︎ 995
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
π︎ 572
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
π︎ 164
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
π︎ 602
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
Took me a minute I canβt lie
π︎ 83
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
I had a legless dog called Cigarette.
Every morning I took him out for a drag.
π︎ 188
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
Iβm too dumb to make a body pun myself so Iβll just leave this here.
π︎ 43
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two iβs."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isnβt it!?"
π︎ 409
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Edit: Thanks for all the positive reactions to this joke. Iβm glad I could make a few of you chuckle today.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
