A Man Walks Into A Bar... Puns

And then a table... And then a chair...

He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.

After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.

A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.

After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"

The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...

They're complimentary."

Then he walks into a table

Then he walks into a table leg

Then he walks into wood

Then he walks into wood cells

Then he walks into wood DNA

Then he walks into a molecule

Then he walks into a atom

Then he walks into a qwark

Then he walks into a cosmic string

Then he walks into a multiverse

Then he walks into a universe

Then he walks into a galactic supercluster

Then he walks into a galaxy

Then he walks into a stellar system

Then he walks into a planet

Then he walks into a continent

Then he walks into a country

Then he walks into a region

Then he walks into a city

Then he walks into a street

Then he walks into a bar

ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES

He pulls out his revolver and shouts "WHICH ONE OF YOU SLEPT WITH MY WIFE?!"

The Bartender laughs and says " You ain't got enough bullets mate."

"... and one for the road."

The bartender goes: "Don't start anything here"

And orders everybody a round

He goes “ they don’t call me the Bartender for nothing”

Bartender says, “That will be $20.20.”

Lucky bastard.

*This joke brought to you by the year 2020.

The barman says, "We don't like your tie pin here. "

"I'll have 5 beers please"

Oww...must have hurt

"Sorry," says the bartender, "we don't serve minors."

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

He hurts his head

The bartender gives the man a funny look then the man says: "What? I have the right to bear arms".

The third one ducks .

The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”

He sits down and orders a beer

Then hears a soft voice say "That's a really good color on you"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, shrugs, and sips his beer.

Shortly there after he hears another study voice whisper "That's a really nice tie"

Looking at the bartender the man says "Do you hear those voices? Because no one else is here except you and me!"

The bartender says "Oh yeah.. Sorry about that.. Its the peanuts, they are complimentary"

He asks the bartender, "Why is there a piece of steak hanging from the ceiling?

The bartender replies, "If somebody jumps and manages to hit the steak, all drinks will be free for the entire night. However, if somebody tries and misses, they will have to buy drinks for everybody else for the entire night. Would you like to try?"

The man thinks about it and replies, "No thanks, the stakes are too high."

Those were the days.

"I'll have a marriage on the rocks"

And a table... and a chair...

Ouch.

Then a table, Then a chair..

He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”

Bartenders says, “That’ll be $20.20”

“Ouch” he says

Then a table...then a chair...then a door........

The man says "One whiskey for me and one for the road"

Bartender says, “That’ll be $20.20.”

Lucky bastard.

He orders everyone a round.

Bet that hurt

And a table...and a wall.

Ouch

Another man walks into a bar

........

A midget walks under the bar

Bartender says, "Buddy, don't you think you've had enough of those today?"

Thunk!

He shows the barman 2 fingers and says " Five beers please"

Lucky bastard.

Then a chair.

He should have ducked!

Then a table, and then a chair.

“Can I have a drink for me and one for the road”

He didn't see it comin'

Lucky bastard.

And says "A beer please and one for the road."