A Book Of Puns

I can’t seem to put it down.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

(credit: Groucho Marx)

But it was too novel a concept

I said, “That’s.....a novel idea.”

I told him that he's only got his shelf to blame.

I'm currently on volume 5

It's non friction.

Not sure I’ll ever get to the Finish

I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!

I just cant put it down

I’m expecting a long sentence

I only have my shelf to blame.

This is apache version of history I thought

I just have to take shelfies!

They have a strong sense of entitlement.

A diarya

[Redacted]

He's mostly known for his polyp fiction.

A Deus Fax Machina, if you will.

So I bought two.

The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

It's about Thyme.

The Owl Jizz Era News.

The Comma Sutra.

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

Maybe a No More Tears version called Daredevil? I don’t know. A sleeping mask called the Dark Night? Deadpoop toilet paper? I’m drowning here, man.

They were just Tolkien characters.

I have to say it was absolutely riveting.

It's about time.

It's non-friction.

“So you haven’t tried turning on a light then?”

but i didn't get it.

They are only means to an N.

I've only my shelf to blame.

He only had his shelf to blame

He only has his shelf to blame.

I couldn’t put it down

Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I just can't seem to put it down.

Inside a dog it’s too dark to read.

It’s non-friction.

He only has his shelf to blame.

I said, “That’s ...... a novel idea.”

It’s non-friction.