I used to hate the lockdown in the beginning, but now that I have a full fridge, I am ok with it.

Scientists are calling it the Stock Home syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I was reading a history book, and apparently in the middle east there were hundreds of years where nocturnal predator birds used to fly around and ejaculate all over the place. The Arabic people would keep each other up to date on the latest attacks; and so marked the beginning of...

The Owl Jizz Era News.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nutsacktetherball
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I suspected my girlfriend was a ghost right from the beginning

Starting with the moment she walked through those doors.

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wakanda4eva4eva
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What is often at the beginning of a question
πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dufffer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
All the beginning of a decade/end of a decade memes are getting old.

I mean, they are so last year.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeoshua82
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend once fed me donkey meat without telling me. I should have known from the beginning, though; it tasted like ass.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Denovation
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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I'm beginning to develop a fear of german sausages

I think it's for the wurst

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Memevape420
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My daughter walk in, in the middle of a story and says "start from the beginning"

Me: starts making baby noises. Her: what's that all about dad? Me: I think that's how I began Her: Big eyeroll while attempting to suppress giggles

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kakamoraa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Peavil has a beginning...
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PunPics
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Every baguette has a beginning...

... and two ends

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zero_World
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A man in the street started throwing words beginning with 'th' at me.

I managed to dodge this, there and then but I didn't see that coming!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2017
🚨︎ report
I bought a dictionary from the library and realized someone had ripped out pages from the beginning.

They also ripped out pages from the the end. It just went from β€œbad” to β€œworse”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IsThisNameValid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
🚨︎ report
A fairy tale beginning... imgur.com/gallery/YbAOAYb
πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snowpixel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad would always say this at the beginning of a family meeting

"alright, let's get this meeting over with so we can get back to our families". Then again that was only when the family meeting was about something trivial. He didn't say that when my brother and I really fucked up.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JalarianDeAndre
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2013
🚨︎ report
What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wizzecian007
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen...

I can feel it.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My teacher told me to begin studying things with a pH higher than 7.

She always tells me to start with the basic stuff.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alex13104
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.

"No thanks, just looking around."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself..

It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'...

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tr8orst8x3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
How does a vegan begin grace before meals?

Lettuce pray

πŸ‘︎ 358
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πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.

A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it.

"That's easy. These are khakis."

πŸ‘︎ 643
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electricalalarm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Two Irishmen rob a grocery store of a pallet of exotic macadamia nuts to sell on the black market. They begin to argue about where to take the pallet when the passenger says "You're driving me nuts!" The driver replies..

YOUR NUTS?!?!?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/valonnyc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought this really good DVD about foreplay

I just had to fast forward the boring bit at the beginning.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jo3p-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.

Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"

Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*

Me: "Well played."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plane_Garbage
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
So My my freind ask me if I wanted to get some punch

So we got some punch and left. This joke kinda fell flat since their wasn't even a punchline to begin with.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Every October 31st, my dog begins baying loudly a loud, prolonged, mournful cry...

I guess he likes to celebrate Howloween...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the world are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...

Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.

The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.

Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, β€œDarling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
🚨︎ report
A blind guy goes into the closing store, grabs his dog by the tail and begins to spin. A worker shocked by the sight asked "sir may i help you please". The guy smiles and says.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyosk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
In 1935, an American went out on a quest to discover the Loch Ness monsters. He found that according to legend, there were at least 10 in existence. Instead of trying Scotland, he believed the US might have these lake monsters. In which state did he begin his quest?

Tennessee

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TITANofATHENS
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, β€œwhat gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. β€œWhat does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

β€œYou keep out of this! She yells, β€œI’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A squirrel is sitting on a branch in a pine tree when suddenly he feels the whole tree begin to shake violently.

He looks down and sees that a full-grown elephant is slowly clambering up the tree. When the elephant finally reaches the branch the squirrel asks, "Why on earth did you climb up into this pine tree?!"

The elephant then says, "I came up here to eat some pears, of course."

The squirrel, completely shocked at the elephant's ignorance, exclaims, "You elephants don't know the first thing about trees! This is a PINE tree, there are no pears here."

The elephant then explains, "Oh, I know, I brought my own."

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RhapsodicRaven
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Prom night

It was time for the prom at Klondike High School and Tim's friends were desperately trying to convince him to go. He considered it, but was very self-conscious of the fact that he had had an accident as a young child that caused him to lose his eye, and the best his family could afford was to buy him a wooden eye. After several days of goading, Tim finally decides to go.

Sally was in a similar situation. Her friends desperately wanted her to go prom with them, but she was recently in a car accident and lost her right leg. She had a prosthetic, but it was very uncomfortable, so she had a hard time walking. Reluctantly, she agreed to go.

It was the night of the prom and both Tim and Sally were getting all gussied up with their friends. They both make it to the prom, but when they arrive, they are both too nervous to dance. Tim's friends notice Sally sitting on the wall and say to him, "Look over there! There's a cute girl who's all alone and needs a partner to dance with. Why don't you go over there and ask her to dance?" After some further convincing, Tim sheepishly begins to walk over to Sally to ask her. As he approaches her, he getes nervous, and awkwardly stands in front of her for a few seconds before saying, "Wuh...wuh...would you like to dance with me?"

Excitedly, Sally exclaims, "Would I? Would I?"

Tim responds angrily, "PEG LEG! PEG LEG!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pensrule2007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a hard time listening to people explain how to sharpen knives.

It’s very dull at the beginning.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Pills for the bull

I recently spent $46,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...but they kind of taste like peppermint.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR

What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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A YouTuber who begins to make low effort content to boost a subscriber count then posts to their favorite subreddit:

r/subsyoufellfor

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RVBmaniac21
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the bow of a Benetau yacht?

The beginning of a beautiful French ship.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrewszabo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Little Timmy is in english class

Teacher: Timmy, tell me a word that begins with M

Timmy: Yesterday

Teacher: But Timmy, yesterday doesn't begin with M, begins with Y

Timmy: But teacher, yesterday was monday

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudumedel
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a vegan begin grace before a meal?

Lettuce pray.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I begin to read a horror novel in braile

Something bad is about to happen I can feel it

πŸ‘︎ 691
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IJustWantMemes789
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
🚨︎ report

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