If your Mother doesn’t give you a gift in return today, you’re allowed to take yours back and keep it for yourself.

After all, it is Sunday, too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sirnacane
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
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Where's the best place to keep your stairs?

In a staircase!!

(This is bad, even for me)

πŸ‘︎ 563
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OldTimeyMedicine
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2023
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It's important to keep your eyes on the road, especially coming up to a curve.
πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ECatPlay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2023
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I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean...

I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourOverLordisME
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2023
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How do you keep your hearing aid firmware up to date?

Over-the-ear updates

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalmPilot101
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2022
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No joke here. I just want to tell any dads out there that may be struggling to keep your heads up...

When you look down, all you see is defeat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doc_ballyday
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2021
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Request - Jokes about death

A beloved coworker that always had a dadjoke ready to go suddenly passed recently. We’re ready to grieve him with dadjokes about death. Can your share yours?

I found this one today that I know he would have loved: I hope my coworker is cremated because it’ll be his final chance to have a smokin’ hot body.

Edit: thank you everyone for the dadjokes. Many of these are absolutely dead-on!

If you’re the person at work that greets everyone and has a dadjoke or two, even if people usually groan, you are likely more loved than you know. Keep up the groans!

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoofooDaSnoo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2022
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I know eyelashes are meant to keep things out of your eyes, but it seems to me the only things that get in my eyes and irritate them are eyelashes...

It's eye-ronic

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DickHeiden
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2022
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it was a video about wine…
πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2023
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Where is the best place to keep all your dad jokes?

In a dadabase.

πŸ‘︎ 166
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jj8o8
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2021
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What do you call a song designed to keep your attention off of something else?

A diss track-t

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I5i1dur
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2022
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Puns for Pooper Scooper Business name?

Ok r/puns, help me have some fun :)

Launching a pooper scooper business and need help with business name suggestions.

Parameters:

  • Would rather not directly use the word β€œpoop”
  • One to Two words ideal, three max
  • family friendly

Current big names in the industry:

  • DoodyCalls
  • Poop 911
  • Pet Butler
  • Scoop Soldiers

Value Prop:

  • Home of the five-star sanitizer & scoop
  • Save time by letting us handle your pups dirty doo (Busy moms / professionals)
  • Keep your yard sanitary for your furry friends and children

Fire away! πŸ’©

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2023
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It's always useful to keep some of your life saving around
πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haidi7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2021
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Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.

It could be a lifesaver.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotter66
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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Where’s a good place to keep your boyfriend?

Locked in a baesement

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cananbaum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Apparently not a joke

I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying

We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff

I used to wake up for college early in the morning I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile

I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times

Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty

I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him

He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad

Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes

Edit : thank you so much dad's for your overwhelming support I love you guys and I just want to take a moment to thank all the people here who shared their experiences as well of having lost a parent... Your story inspires me to continue forward with the torch

Also I'm seeing quite a few comments saying the post is not funny and that they came for a laugh... I'm truly sorry about that, I just really wanted to honor my dad in this sub since we spent so much time together here scrolling for jokes and I needed the push from you dads to get back on my feet

I'm never going to be the same that's for sure knowing a peice of me has been lost forever... The void will never be filled in my heart But your support is just what I needed, once again thank you dads I love you

Edit 2: thank you so much dads for your overwhelming support I know I haven't been able to respond to all the dms and messages here but I've been reading them all and it's just made me smile in the worst Thank you dads you guys are the best

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farzad6969
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2022
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Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's almost always an eyelash...

... how EYEronic!

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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Where’s the best place to keep your underwear?

In your drawers.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hollywoodhank
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
POOL

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Expert-Angle-8214
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2023
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Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?

β€œTo the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump!”

My dad loved corny jokes and every now and then one of them will bubble up in my memory, even though he passed years ago. Keep telling your kids dad jokes! You never know what they are going to remember about you, and it might as well be a dumb joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthofoldage
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2023
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Your can always trust a walrus to keep your secrets...

His lips are sealed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Here’s a plastic fork to keep in your car, I didn’t use it.

It’s very forktunate.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minnara
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it...

It's still fowl language.

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Who delivers presents to cats and dogs?

Santa Paws.

Bonus:

Who delivers presents to sharks?

Santa Jaws.

Who delivers presents to quadruplets?

Santa Fours.

Who delivers presents to children who need more housework?

Santa Chores.

Hope I didn't sleigh you with these, I know I should worry about the 'elf of everyone here. If these jokes are up your chimney, that soots me just fine. If you need to remember which fireplaces you've seen this year, remember to keep a log.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/narsfweasels
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2022
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Boy if you keep playing with that thing you're going to go blind.

Now quit playing with my arc welder!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oppy1984
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Not a joke. But I wish it was.

I am not a dad. I am a daughter. For longer than I can remember, I have called my dad at "too early" times in the morning, woke him up, and told him a joke. This was a daily occurrence. Hence how I found this sub.

My dad died on Monday. You guys helped me wake him up with laughter so many times and I got to hear him laugh every day. Thank you r/dadjokes.

Edit: spelling

Wow I really did not expect so many people to see this post or to take the time to comment and reach out to me. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words. It really means a lot. This is a great community and I'm so glad to have found it. As a mom to two beautiful little jokesters, I will absolutely continue pestering them with daily jokes and keep the tradition and the laughter alive.

For those asking, his favorite jokes were the really long ones that took forever to tell and had bad/ the best punchlines. The one that immediately sticks out was posted here either Sunday or Monday and was the last one I got to tell him. I will see if I can find it and figure out how to link. It was about a farmer who really loved tractors.

Thank you to the kind redditors who found it for me.

https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/slwg7y/bit_of_a_story_to_this_one_but_well_worth_the_read/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

πŸ‘︎ 46k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndiPandi92
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2022
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A good conversation is like a skirt. Short enough to keep your interest, but long enough to cover the subject.
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AeroStormore
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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A dog named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "Id like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, Ive had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "Im looking for Sex..."

My court date has been set for Friday...

πŸ‘︎ 227
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Upset-Muscle6437
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2022
🚨︎ report
Why should you keep your kids from listening to full orchestra music?

Too much sax and violins.

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2015
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Before Reddit, what have been the place to keep your amateur jokes in?

Paper bin.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caffeinum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
When your phone autocorrects "fuck" to "American quarter horse" it's OK to keep it.

It's still foal language.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
β€œMr. Shakespeare, how doth thou manage to keep your married life interesting?”

Shakespeare: Anne hath a way.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
🚨︎ report
you know the best way to keep your chickens from flying the coop?

you get them a sedan instead, theyre slower.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drakens6
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend was telling me about this bin she got for her car...

...to keep toys in for her kids to play with on long car rides.

I said, "Is it a big bin or a small one?"

"It's small, just fits between the middle row of seats. Turn around, you can see it's right there--"

"So you're saying you have a very small car bin footprint?"

Fortunately, she didn't make me walk the rest of the way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/overachievingogre
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2023
🚨︎ report
You always have to keep your job exciting.

Being a well driller, I often dream I could drill right to the center of the earth.

If I didn't have such a great imagination my job would be just boring.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Who do you call when you want to make sure you'll keep your job?

Firefighters

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erikjb12
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
You really need to keep your eyes open on 4th of april

... or you wont see a thing.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hypnorook
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Today my son learned that banks pay you to keep your money and earn more with it.

He said it was interesting.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Always try to keep your attitude like a chair in a tornado

Uplifted

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SalmonellaChikn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
How to you keep your phone from dying when you are driving?

Get a Charger

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/3Dbabble
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
🚨︎ report

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