what do you call a man with no arms and no legs by your front door?
At a city fair in Dublin, a man claimed that his horse could guess your age. "That is pure malarkey, there is no way that horse can guess my age. Prove it or go home!" The horse passed gas loudly, then clomped his hoof twice.
"That's right, I'm farty two!!!!!"
Journalist to old man: "Congratulations on your 100th birthday. What is your secret?"
Old man: "I put it all down to slugs. I've never eaten one in my life."
A man walks into a bar and immediately the bartender says to him "Hey, you, what's your shoe size?"
The man looks at the bartender, confused, and asks "Why do you need to know my shoe size?" The bartender puffs out his chest proudly "We're the only bar in the country for big-footed people. That's no small feet."
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox?
Man: Your honour, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets!
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Ok. I want to contest half of my parking tickets.
You have five minutes to prepare. A man is coming to kill you and you can't leave your house. What do you do?
Go to the living room.
All credit to u/silentagent47 and u/on-oath-never-again over at r/AskReddit.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I need your help. I have a frog in my throat, a charley horse in my leg, and - and -"
The doctor looks at the man, calmly asks, "Cat got your tongue?"
The man can only nod in response.
Without missing a beat, the doctor tells the man, "Sir, you don't need a doctor; you need a vet."
What do you call the man who shreds your cheese at a restaurant?
Not sure, but he seems like a grate guy.
A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
What do you call a man for whom you should always take off your hat?
An older man was lounging on the sofa one evening with his glasses off. His wife joined him, and began slowly running her fingers through his hair. After a few moments she said, “You know, honey, without your glasses on, you still look just like the young, handsome man I married 50 years ago”…
The husband replied, “Thanks honey… Without my glasses on, so do you.”
Man : Why is your dog running around a tree?
Friend : He's a watchdog, and he is winding himself.
Yo man does your bag go to the gym?
"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
A man wrote a highly influential self-help book about caring for your testicles.
A sweet old man who stops by to chat when he goes out for a walk told us this joke. (His wife had said "Don't tell anyone your silly joke... It's horrible.")
Old Man : "Never fall in love with a tennis professional."
Us : "Why Not?"
Old Man : "Because love means nothing to them."
A man walks into a doctors office. “What seems to be the problem?” Asks the doc. “It’s... um... well... i have five penises.” Replies the man. “Blimey!” Says the doctor, “how do your trousers fit?” “Like a glove.”
If your Man doesn't like Mangos, you need to let that Mango
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the “Guess your weight” booth. The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.
He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.
A man has to poop and has no toilet paper his friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back with poop on his fingers...." Why is there poop on your fingers"
" it's hard to wipe with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel"
A man asks a woman: "when is your birthday?". To which the girl replies: "March 1st"
Man : *immediately starts marching around the room and says "so can you tell me now?"
A child with a speech impediment is dressed as a pirate. A man asks what are you. He says he is a birate. You mean a pirate? Yes a birate. Oh well then where are your buccaneers?
On each side of my buckin head you buckin idiot!!
Your mother is iron man. How do I know?
If you are reading this on "Punstoppable" or other similar websites, this has been posted there without my permission.
A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game. The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in checkmate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."
A man should always carry a knife. It can cut your food, open beer bottles, be a screwdriver, or even be used as a toothpick. It works great for cleaning your fingernails, and it's quite useful in an emergency situation
like when you have to change someone's mind.
Doctor! Doctor! there is an invisible man in your office.
Nurse tell him i can't see him.
New man seeing your ocean
When your mom said “Get you a man that can cook”...
She didn’t mean crack or meth, Karen.
What do you call a drunk Irish man passed out in your yard?
Ladies: If you think your man has trouble "opening up,"
A famous horror novelist was at a convention when a man asked, “Why are all your books so dark? I’ve tried, but I just can’t manage to read any of them.” The novelist responded,
“So you haven’t tried turning on a light then?”
Knock, knock. Who's there? Amanda Amanda who? A man da fix your sink!
A man is pulled over by a cop for speeding. He tries to make some small talk. "So, how was your day?"
A man asks the waiter, "Excuse me, how do you prepare your chicken?"
The waiter responds, "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
What do you call a man with no arms, and no legs, lying on your front porch?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on your front porch?
A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
What do you call a quadriplegic man in front of your door?
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your door step?
A man walks into a doctors office. "What seems to be the problem'P" Asks the doc. um... well... I have five penises," replies the man. "Blimey!" Says the doctor "how do your trousers fit?"
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?
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