I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?โ€ Smiling, I replied, โ€œTiny!" My kid laughed and asked, โ€œWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?โ€

I explained, โ€œBecause...heโ€™s my newt!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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After playing our set at the local block party, a group of kids walked up to the stage and the leader laughed, "You rock pretty good for a buncha ole geezers, but why the heck did you name your band, 'Bald Patch'!?" I shrugged and said...

"To be honest, it was off the top of my head."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
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For their 50th anniversary, my parents went on vacation, but unfortunately, my dad got really ill. When they got back, I asked, "Dad, what made you so sick in Hawaii?" He laughed and said...

"Poi, son."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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My wife came downstairs this morning and laughed, "You had too much to eat yesterday and you've got a hangover, don't you?!" "You don't get a hangover from eating too much!" I challenged.

She dug, "You do! For goodness sake, loosen your belt, it's disgusting!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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I told my sister "one time, a teacher of mine gave me a list of 10 puns so that I could make sense of them." She asked " well, did any of them make sense?" I told her "No pun in ten did." My sister laughed and said "I get it, did you intend that?" I said "Nope, unintended."
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/levyl44
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 10 2017
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Actually made me laugh gender fluid means you arent binary to one gender and transgender mean you do not identify as the gender assigned to you at birth
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Noobs_rule3n
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, "That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you.

You have died of dissin' Terry.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hysterical_Realist
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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Advice for girls: Find a man with a job, a man that makes you laugh, a man who doesn't lie to you, and a man who spoils you.

And make sure that these four men don't know each other.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jan_Tik
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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You ever drop a real big fart, and it makes all of the people in your vicinity laugh really hard?

That's a great scents of humor.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dizzybuzz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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I was on a date and said to the waiter โ€œI would love the bo-log-nayz and a white wine.โ€ Laughing my date said โ€œI didnโ€™t know you spoke another language.โ€

I replied, โ€œyeah, Iโ€™m trylingual.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sr_ChalupaBatman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
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Last night I was finishing up pressure washing my driveway and one neighbor dad drove by and said โ€œlookinโ€™ good, great practice for when you do mine this weekendโ€, and then turned to his wife in the passenger seat laughing hysterically as she looked at him with a blank stare.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sheptown
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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What do you say if you're an alpaca and you laugh your ass off?

Llmao

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AHumanPeople
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 10 2017
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Yesterday, my dad put his glasses on a potato and said โ€œLook! A spec-tater!โ€. My response made him laugh for a minute straight. I hope you guys like this one too!

1 2

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thisissami
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
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Doughnut you wish you could make your wife and daughter laugh?

I was holding my daughter's hand as she was throwing a fit while getting her nails clipped by my wife. To calm her down, I asked her when her fingers had turned into doughnuts.

sniff Doughnuts? sniff

Yeah, Doughnuts. It's obvious that you've got some bearclaws

crickets

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/1-adam-12
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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I got a genuine laugh when I dad joked my wife and 9 year old son today. :) Wife: Do you know Trevor Wang?

Wife: "Do you know Trevor Wang?"

My 9 year old son Xavier: "You mean Trevor Wong? Yeah, he's a trouble maker."

Wife: "Trevor? No he's not, he's a good kid."

Me: "I think Xavier's right and Trevor's Wong."

rimshot

I actually got a laugh. I'm gonna savor this time while my son still likes my dad jokes.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/goconrad
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2014
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I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, โ€œWindow or aisle?โ€ I laughed in her face and replied, โ€œWindow or youโ€™ll what?โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nandos677
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast๐Ÿ™๐Ÿปโค๏ธ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!๐Ÿ˜

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iLoveRaviolis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.

She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
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I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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With the McRib re-released a couple of days ago, I did this at McDonalds drive-thru today:

Me: Do you have Mac Rib in that special box.

Order Girl: Yes, yes we do.

Me: You should let him out. And I'll take three of them and a large fry.

(I was the only one that laughed, she just read back my total)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/professorf
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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Gabe had a heavy load this semester

Math, physics, comp sci. The only easy class was "The American Century." Open book midterm and final, so he wasn't going to do any of the reading all semester.

โ€œItโ€™s a huge waste of time, Dad,โ€ he laughed when I objected. โ€œIโ€™m not learning a damn thing in the class.โ€

โ€œWell, then youโ€™re just going to have to take that class over again,โ€ I snapped at him.

โ€œWhat are you talking about?โ€ he yelped.

โ€œYou know why, Gabe,โ€ I said. โ€œThose who donโ€™t learn from history are condemned to repeat it.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cja1968
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I went parachuting with a friend, and my parachute wasn't working

He laughed, and I said I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MoondogGLOVER1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. ยทchucklesยท James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gone11gone11
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 06 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Who is the meanest reindeer in Santa's herd?

Olive. You've heard the song. "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/onetwopi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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Dad Joked by daughter

I had to go to court and was wearing a suit and tie. My 10 year old daughter thought this was fantastic for dress up was very interested. I took this as a teachable moment and wanted to tell her about showing respect for your personal appearance and showing up professionally. So I asked her, do you know why I dressed like this? She said to be professional. I said I want to show that I respect myself and I have respect for the court so I dressed accordingly. She laughed and said, "You mean you dressed acourtingly."

tl;dr

Daughter dad joked me about wearing a suit about dressing accourtingly

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/notactjack
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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Thank you

This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you ๐Ÿ’–

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xcixjames
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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Sorry this isnโ€™t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks

I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank yโ€™all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesnโ€™t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!

Edit: thank you so much for the awards and well wishes! I 100% did not expect this to blow up like it did and Iโ€™m so glad for yโ€™allโ€™s support!!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MellifluousSussura
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 23 2020
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him โ€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.โ€ He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining โ€œjingle bellsโ€ in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. โ€œRudolphโ€ โ€œFrosty the Snowmanโ€ โ€œDrummer Boyโ€ even โ€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clausโ€ in the best impersonations heโ€™s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. โ€œ No no honey this works watchโ€ he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. โ€œNO honey it really works watch!โ€ โ€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmasโ€ says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. โ€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!โ€ He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out โ€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIREโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hipphazy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Magic Forest

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, โ€œWait! Iโ€™m a talking tree!โ€

The lumberjack laughed and said, โ€œAnd you will dialogue.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MilPens
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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Just dad joked the owner of my company

So I'm normally an electrician by trade, but work has been slow lately, so I've been helping one of his friends with some of the concrete work in a small housing development close to the shop. Well he came out and started talking to me about what I've gotten done since this morning, I told him and he goes "This is getting you great electrical experience!" I kinda laugh and reply back "Yeah, I'm learning all about grounding." He turned and walked away, but I about died laughing.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jonnybanana88
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I finally got to cash in on a joke today that Iโ€™ve been looking for a reason to use for years

Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.

We got back to the house and my nephew said...

Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.

Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?

Nephew: no. Is it still broken?

Me: yeah. Thereโ€™s a big crack in it still.

He didnโ€™t get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I donโ€™t care.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LostPin
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 31 2020
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My dad did this earlier

He said, "I gotta P" I assumed he meant piss but he pulled out a Piece of paper that had the letter P on it and handed to me Then he said, "Now you gotta P"

I'm still laughing

Edit: he did this and in front of my family and made me laugh my ass off

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ch4rg3_t0_100_b0i
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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Dad jokes...on him

My father is fond of jokes and pranks (even though I only pretend to laugh .-.) but there's this story that I always would genuinely laugh at whenever it is brought up. So here it goes...

We've always gone to Church every Sunday when we were kids and on one of those Sundays, my father decided to make my mother laugh by shaving only HALF of his beard. So while the other side has hair, the other is shaved. He casually walked up to my mother and asked if he looked good in his "new fashion style." My mother laughed so hard she couldn't breathe.

When that was over, we got ourselves ready and went to Church. While praying, there was a bunch of people looking at my father. He noticed that as soon as he looked at those people, they'd cover their face, bow their heads and walk away. He felt weird. So he got into this 'thinking position' where he had his hands to play with his beard. And that's when he realized...HE FORGOT TO SHAVE THE OTHER HALF AT HOME AND NO ONE NOTICED UNTIL WE GOT THERE. HAHAHHAHAHA He was so embarassed, he covered his whole face until mass was over.

That's all folks. Thank you for coming to my dad talks .

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thecember
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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A father catches his son watching Twilight by himself.

The boy says, "Dad, it isn't what it looks like!"

His father laughs heartily and sits down next to him.

"Boy," he says, "you can watch Twilight once."

"Really? You don't mind?"

"Of course not, but remember if you ever watch it again..."

His smile vanishes in an instant.

"...it's a Pattinson."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheRealNinjaTadpole
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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So proud of Miss 4 - true Dad Joke!

Took her to the park today as itโ€™s a stunningly beautiful day here in NZ.

She was on the swings and I went on the swing next to hers to show how to swing her legs properly....

I said โ€œweeeeโ€ as I swung higher and higher as she was laughing.

Miss 4 said โ€œDaddy, you should have gone before we leftโ€...

So proud!!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DannyGere
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because theyโ€™ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his โ€œpromposalโ€ special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that sheโ€™s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, heโ€™s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesnโ€™t return his feelings? What if she thinks heโ€™s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and heโ€™s even more anxious. Itโ€™s dark, itโ€™s loud, itโ€™s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks itโ€™s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying sheโ€™s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if sheโ€™d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like heโ€™s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesnโ€™t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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Why do they call them cheetahs?

Cuz they dont play fair.

(Heard at the zoo yesterday by a random dad and died laughing. If you see this cheetah guy, thank you.)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mouth2Danus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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My wife and I were taking a walk...

This weekโ€™s dumb joke:

My wife and I were out for a walk, and we walked through a cool patch of air right by a field.

โ€œItโ€™s weird how itโ€™s always cooler right there,โ€ she said.

โ€œYeah,โ€ I said, โ€œI guess itโ€™s because the sun never shines here. I wonder if they get a lot of dumping in this field?โ€

โ€œHuh? Why?โ€

A beat.

Two beats.

โ€œIsnโ€™t this where they stick everything?โ€ I deadpanned.

She laughed. You donโ€™t have to.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/truthcopy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids "Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?"

One will see you later and the other will see you in a while?

Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Darkbow85
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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My music teacher gave me the best compliment ever

So i (16M) like jokes. I told one to my (awesome dad joke enthusiast) music teacher that went something like.

him picking up a guitarr Me: why are you so strรคng?

Strรคng means guitarr string and also strict as in a strict teacher in Swedish.

He laughed a bit and said: "you are gonna make a great dad"

Thank you Pรคr, love ya buddy!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/luer1001
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 23 2020
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I would like to personally thank this sub.

Every morning when I email my team their daily tasks, I include a joke from this sub. and I appreciate you all so I can try to make everyone laugh a little before rough work at a hospital. So thanks dads!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cyndlandwickett
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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I got a new flag at the hardware store yesterday

Itโ€™s one of those you push in the ground on your lawn. When I put it in (thatโ€™s what she said), I remembered that flags are being flown at half mast.

So I pushed it in a little farther.

No one laughed harder about that than I did at the time and I just wanted to share with you all.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ktulu92
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24 2020
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A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KairuSmairukon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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How do you make a Kleenex dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

(My husband told this joke to our four year old and she canโ€™t stop laughing.)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TiffanyOddish
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 03 2020
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