My daughter just got me good… I said, “Did you know you can always see your own nose and your brain just ignores it?”
She said “yeah because it NOSE it’s there”
My 5 year old got me today!! How do you fix a pumpkin?
My wife got me with this one tonight at dinner. How do you read your contact lens prescription?
With your also prescription glasses.
Me: Hey, Dad. You got a hair cut.
My dad: Nope. I got them all cut
(Repost as I fubard the first one!)
My 5 y/o got me with this one... “Dad, do you know what my favorite keys are?”
“Ah... car keys???”
“No, cookies!”
... I’m so proud.
My 6 year old told me this one... "Did you hear about the guy who got sick at a funeral?"....
He was Coffin all morning.
A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”
"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."
"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated, "I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you."
"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."
"Which one?" the doctor.
"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"
My girlfriend said :- You got vasectomy without even telling me . Are you serious ?
I said :- I am not kidding you
Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
A flat earther was debating me and got so mad he said "I will walk off the edge of the earth to prove you wrong!!"
He'll come around eventually
you and me got a whole lot of geography
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
My 5 year old just got me with this one: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said "see you later, son". I said indignantly, "don't call me 'son', you're not my dad!"
... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Darlings you got to let me know. Should I shave or should I grow? If I shave there could be stubble, and if I grow it could be double. So c’mon and let me know ohhhh..
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I replied, “Don’t call me son, you’re not my dad.” He scratched his head and said...
“No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: “Ugh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.”
“That was pepper spray.”
Got me!
When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
I said, "No, not particularly."
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!
Son: I hope you enjoy it. What are your plans?
Dad: I’m just going to..... live in the present.
1 boy was named trouble and the other was called shutup. One day trouble got lost so shutup went to the police station and said ‘I lost my brother’. The police said ‘what is your name’ ‘shutup’ the police said ‘what did you say to me’ ‘shutup’. The police said ‘are you looking for trouble’ ‘yep’
You’ve got to be kid-ing me
Let me tell you how I got so good at making pictures of cash....
I made many many many many many money drawings.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” “Ten…” the doctor says slowly.
“Nine... eight… seven...”
Dad got me with a bit of wisdom: No matter how much you try to push the envelope...
...it'll always be stationery.
Me: I got you a dictionary for your birthday.
My son: Gee Dad, I don’t know what to say.
Me: That’s why I got it for you.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Sorry, It’s not a good hearted joke.
Me: Hey you got some upgais on your shirt...
Son: What's upgais?
Me: Nothing much, you?
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
I work in a nursing home. A diabetic schizophrenic I always give sugar free life savers to just said, "You haven't brought me any damn candy all day!" I replied, " I just got here, you need to be patient."
She said,"I am a damn patient!!"
Her: You got a vasectomy without talking to me? Are you serious?
Him: Yes, I’m not kidding you.
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Wife: You got a vasectomy without telling me. Are you serious??
Me: Yes, I’m not kidding you.
My wife yelled, “You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?”
Wife: You got a vasectomy without telling me. Are you serious??
Me: Yes, I’m not kidding you.
Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!!
Son: I hope you enjoy it.
Dad: From now on,...... I’ll start living in the present.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was a rude awakening.
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said ''see you later, son I said indignantly, ''don't call me 'son' you're not my dad!''
To which the lift attendant replied:
"Maybe not, but I brought you up
didn't l?"
Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
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