My 9 year old told me this....What do you get when you cross a pig and an oven ??
Me: Were you able to get ahold of that lady selling the John Deere? My husband:
If you are offended by my dad jokes, don’t get mad and ask me to go to the artificial excavation filled with water.
A cop stopped me and demanded i get out of the car. "You're staggering" he said.
"Well thank you. You're not so bad yourself."
My 5 year old just got me with this one: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
2018: « Yo, dude, get woke. » 2019: « C'me on, get woke, it's 2019 ! » 2020: «... Hi. Well you could get e-woke I guess. »
They never told me that getting older mad eeverything hurt when you get out of bed
I guess that’s why it’s called being a groan-up
I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra."
My son asked me “ Dad did you get a haircut?”
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
You wanna have beef with me? Because this is how you get beef with me! I’m dead serious mate!
It’s been so long since I last got to see ya! You and ya family gotta come over for a barbecue this weekend!
Someone told me that on your cake day you get free karma.
My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
"Let me get this straight, you want me to write a kids song about a dog with a funny "name-o"
I’ll tell you what gets me down.
🎼🎙🎵🎶 And if you wanna get me / never neglect me / 'cause I'm a...
People ask me,”where do you get your jokes from?”
I said “I reddit from somewhere”
My father said : hey im hungry can you get me somthing to eat
Me with a smirk on my face :hey hungry im son
The tabels have turned
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
If you get this pun, you have saved me the time of writing a good title. And if you save me even one second, you have saved my day entire.
v.redd.it/feo6wfvmmco31
My buddy gets all the girls. I watched him work once. He approached a lady and said, "girl, you remind me of a thick, creamy beverage made from raw fruit, vegetables, and sometimes dairy products, typically pureed using a blender!"
He's such a smoothie talker.
"Dad, I don't really get it.. Can you tell me what is a Solar Eclipse?"
I asked my wife if she wanted to get pregnant. She said “are you kidding me?!”
My son asked me: Dad did you get shot in the army?
No son. I got shot in the leggy
What you get when you play the song "walk with me in hell" at double speed?
True story: my daughter was playing a pet-salon game on her iPad and said to me: "Hey dad, I've just worked out that if you just brush their teeth over and over you get experience points faster." To which I replied: "You shouldn't grind your teeth."
Sometimes I get tyred of normal jokes and make puns instead. They are quick, easy, and don't put you under pressure. Sometimes, they can be very flat. They can be as light as air, or as heavy as steel. All in all, puns really punp me up!
Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
My daughter today asked me if they're called sandals because when you wear them you get sand all in between your toes and I am a very proud dad at the moment.
So my son comes up to me the other day and says "Dad you know 2 things that never get old?"
Dark humor and anti-vax kids
It’s raining today. My wife asked me to get her an umbrella. I said why you’re not made of sugar.
She was pretty salty after that.
My friend asked me what do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino?
My wife and I were drinking wine last night, and she looked over to me and said: “Wow... your cheeks get really red when you drink wine, it could be Rosacea.”
I looked back and her and naturally said: “...actually it’s Cab.”
[At work] Me: "Hello, sir, what can I get for you?" Customer: "Give me a few seconds."
Me: "Seconds are going to cost extra."
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
Hi all, if you get a message from me about tinned meat, don't open it
Son: Dad i really want to get into Harvard, any tips you could give me?
Dad: have you tried the gate?
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if people call you fat...”
“You are much bigger than that.”
My wife told me, "Don't get upset if people call you fat.."
You're much bigger than that.
Me: D’you get a haircut?
Dad: No, I got all of them cut.
My son asked me, "Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"
I replied, "No, but I was shot in the leggy."
My wife asked me, “Could you go to the store and buy one gallon of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.” When I came home with 6 gallons of milk, she shrieked, “Why in the world did you buy 6 gallons of milk!?”
I replied, “They had avocados.”
Me: Hey dad did you get a haircut?
Dad: No, I got them all cut.
If you get any messages about tinned meat from me
Me: You look great! Did you get a haircut?
Dad: No, I got them all cut
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