She said “then wear your own one then”
Her: “Writing a letter.”
Me: “Which one? S? K? M?”
Me: I had one too many Coronas last night and i'm not feeling that great.
Her:(rolls eyes and leaves the bedroom)
".....cuz you got dat assssss, ma!"
I spit out my cornflakes and ironically was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.
Sunni and Shia
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C1YAA2xXAAE0Tcx.jpg
The team became ruthless.
I said, “Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!”
Brother: Babe, we need to eat all the pears, they’re going to go bad soon.
SIL: but I don’t like pears, you can eat the rest of them...
Brother: I don’t think I can eat the rest of them by myself though...
Me, from another part of the room: well you better pre-pear yourself!
*ugly laughs from the couch
So I responded, "I agate you."
She was confused, and after a pause she goes, "I don't get it..."
"A gate is bigger than a door, babe."
H: Do you think I can fit it all in there?
W: Yes babe throw it all in, that’s what it’s designed for.
H: I guess they don’t call it a high capacity washing machine for nothing
So my girlfriend and I are both in college and I'm at her dorm waiting for her to get ready for class. She takes off her glasses and starts looking through her drawer when she says "Aw why did I do this to myself? I ran out of contacts"
I go "Babe, if it's more friends that you need, we can go out tonight and meet new people"
After the usual eye roll she goes "No I wanna see"
To which I reply, "Why would you want a C? I'm shooting for at least a B or an A in all of my classes"
That was probably the heaviest sigh I've ever heard from her
GF: Gonna make nuggets for dinner can you preheat the oven for me?
Me: Sure what temp?
GF: Whatever the nuggets say.
Me: Holding the bag of frozen nuggets to my ear for a moment. Babe they aren't saying anything. I think they might be dead.
GF: I'm leaving you.
While the king was trying to decide what to name its guards, his wife walked into the room. She said “honey, I’m going to bed.” The king was preoccupied with his thinking and shortly said “k. Night.” Then moments later went “babe you’re a genius! Knight!”
A couple of nights ago my girlfriend and I spotted a white jackrabbit in the field near our house. We noticed one again tonight on our drive home:
Girlfriend: Hey look, it's the Easter bunny.
Me: Huh, pretty sure that's the same jackrabbit from the other night.
Girlfriend: Can't be a jackrabbit, its ears are way too small.
Me: We're clearly just splitting hares here, babe.
It took a second, but she responded with the desired groan and the "you're an idiot" face push-away. Victory.
I responded, "So you are only a babe during full moons?"
Oh MOOgosh. This might just sound like a load of Bull, but please STEER me out.
Deja Moo (Sung to the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)
Now these are puns all about COWS
Their milk gets flipped, churned all around.
And I’d like to take a minute but I won’t stop and prattle
And tell you this story you haven’t HERD about cattle.
In IstanBULL I was born and BRAISED.
In the pastures back then in my HAYDAYS.
Chewing cud, RUMPING round, and making a fuss.
TANNING out so UDDERLY ridiculous.
When a couple of HEIFERS who had BEEF with me
Started BULLying on my Brand , you see.
I got TIPPED over once and my mom got scared
She said you're MOOvin your behind, your butt, your DAIRY Air.
I whistled for a calf and when it came near
Thought she was a babe, but HE was a STEER!
If anything I can say this STEAK is rare
But that Bovine was BO-FINE so I didn’t care!
I got milked a few times, maybe 7 or 8
More like long-gonehorn, than reliable date.
So I CHUCKED out the udder half of the pasture,
Bevo ain’t a cow, don’t got what I’m after.
Fun fact: a Dairy Cow can produce 125lbs of saliva a day.
Babe: What? Me: a fine-apple..... And if you were a vegetable........ I'd visit you in the hospital.
Last night the gf and I were watching netflix and having a good time when I paused the show and said: me: "Babe, I have something important to tell you!" her: "OMG! What?" me: " what does Poseidon use to wash his clothes? silence...... me: "Tide"
i'll see myself out
We were driving to a friend's house for "game day". We live in Phoenix...we have flora that doesn't like living..because..it is Phoenix.As we were driving, we passed a huge palm tree on its last root (leg) of life in the median of the road. It is literally being held up by a few 2x4's. I look at my husband with the saddest look I can muster before I say "Babe, did you see that poor palm?". Husband says, "Oh yea, that big, dead-looking ones with the boards?". I respond, "Yea, sweetie, we should say a prayer. The poor thing is on LEAF support". He was not amused...I, however, giggle every other Saturday when we pass the tree to game day. Also, please don't worry about the tree. Now that Phoenix has made it through a hot summer, I bet after winter it will just spring back to life...assuming it doesn't fall. Lastly, sorry I'm not a dad or no actually dad said it...but I was channeling that inner dad when it happened! If I need to move this post it is okay!
I told her "you have nothing to worry, babe. I didn't see anyone"
GF: "Babe could you pass me some tissues please"
Me: "Sure, but don't blow it all in one place"
*Forces laugh at my own dadjoke
Yesterday, I was running back from the school bus after asking the driver to give me a moment because my disabled son had had an accident and I was about finished cleaning him up. It was raining and muddy and I was in my bare feet, but this is the norm out here.
On the way back I managed to get my big toenail ripped up off the nailbed down to about halfway to the cuticle. Never done that before in 31 years, and oh my, I have to say it was a whole different level of exquisite agony when I finally noticed it. Funny how you never notice things like that until you see all the blood and how it doesn't even hurt until you touch it.
Sparing you the details of tracking in blood for five minutes before I even noticed I'd done it, the husband cringed quite a bit when he got home from work and saw it.
Fast forward to today--my period started and I had one hell of a headache all day long. He gets home from work and asks, "you ok, babe?" Because I'm usually pretty cheerful when he walks in the door, but today I was cranky as fuck.
"Eh, period started. Headache. Glad you're home, I can take a pain pill and you can watch the kids."
"Oh." He looked me up and down slowly and grinned. "So... now you're hurting from head... to toe?"
Motherfucker.
"Hey babe, I'm kinda hungry. Can you toast some bread for me?"
raises glass
"To bread!"
I never got my toast.
Wife is 8 and a half months pregnant, we were laying in bed last night.
Her: Babe, can you get me a glass of water?
Me: But... it's all the way in there(Jokingly of course)
Her: Please, I'm pregnant
Me:... Well hello there pregnant, I'm Mick.
Her:(Slight giggle) Seriously though please, I'm trying to keep my legs elevated
Me: Isn't that how you ended up in this situation
And then she groaned and I was laughing like an idiot.
she said, "Thanks, babe. I love it!"
I replied, "So you can say it really Schwepped you off your feet?"
She took a very extended sip and walked away
GF: Why are you rushin?
Me: It's genetic babe.
She realized it was 11:59, and grabbed her remote trying to find the channel the ball drop is on. She failed to do so, and I made my best disappointed sigh and told her "Wow babe you really dropped the ball".
We were cuddling in our bed watching some tv and just hanging out before we shut our eyes for bed. She had her head on my chest and leg across my legs and that's when I told her...
Me: "Babe, do you like cuddling?" Her: "Yes of course, why?" Me: "I guess I make a good... body pillow."
She instantly pushed me away while groaning, totally worth it.
Wake up in the morning feeling sore.
Girlfriend: How did you sleep, babe? Me: Not too great I've a sore back. Girlfriend: Aw, you must've slept funny. Me: Really? I don't remember telling any jokes while I slept.
It took her a second, but when she got it, she gave me a groan and a smile.
I've been hardcore PMSing lately, so I made brownies. I messed up the recipe somehow so, rationally, I started crying because I really wanted homemade brownies.
He walks in, hugs me, and says babe, it's okay. You're ovary-acting.
Looked right at her and said, babe, how many times do I have to tell you? We cantaloupe!
My sister-in-law, washing clothes: Babe, I think you left a twenty in your pocket.
My brother, soon-to-be-dad: Oh my god, I'm a money launderer! I don't want to go to jail!
I just hit my girlfriend with this (http://imgur.com/noziMVQ).
Me: "Ahhh there's a lure going at Antico's!" (local pizza place)
Her: "I want a lure"
Me: "Don't worry babe you definitely have allure"
Her: "silence"
Boyfriend was telling me about wanting to start up wood working as a hobby.
Boyfriend: "Maybe I can make my own stool."
Me: "Babe, you make your own stool every day."
Cue his groaning.
My girlfriend and I decide to watch through every Peter Pan movie made to date one lazy Sunday because we were going to see the play later in the week
Me: Alright babe, one more movie to go and we're done!
Her: Can we please do something else for a bit, we've been watching Peter Pan all day.
Me: Sooo... you're all petered out....?
...my wife and I got into a small argument. I was holding the tool I used to make sure that the pictures were hung correctly so I balanced it on top of her skull and asked her very kindly:
"Babe, you need to be a bit more level-headed about this."
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. right.”
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right.
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!
And I said "Thanks babe, and you're Mrs Right"
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!
Me: Thanks babe. You just Mrs. Right.
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs right.
