If you are offended by my dad jokes, don’t get mad and ask me to go to the artificial excavation filled with water.
One melon turns to the other and asks, "Will you marry me?"
The other responds, "Yes, but we cantaloupe."
When ever someone asks me, “what are you up to?”
I tell them last time I checked, I was 5’9.
I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks “I wonder if she’s from Sweden” another friend says “maybe Norway?” My final friend asks “do you thinks she’s Finnish?”
I boastfully reply “I fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”
This guy comes up to me at the karaoke bar and asks, "Are you the guy who spends all night singing Neil Diamond songs?"
I hate it when people ask me,”what do you think the future is going to be like?”
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, "You know, people living in Denver can't be buried there" and I look at him and ask him "Why?"
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
You know, I'm such a good singer, people always ask me to sing solo
......solo they can't hear me.
Coincidentally, they also ask me to sing tenor.
.....tenor twelve miles away.
I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
She kicked me out and said “The men I please are none of your business!”
My gf asks me,"So.If you knew exactly the time and day you were going to die would you want to know?"
I said,"Hell no."
She said,"Forget it then"
Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
If you were to ask me if I knew any jokes about sodium, do you know what I would say?
I asked my dad to bring me a glass of water, so he pointed at my aquarium and said "you have plenty" and walked out, and now everytime I ask for water he does this
I was working in a library and this guy comes up to me and asks, “Do you have a bookmark?”
I said, “Yes, we have hundreds, but my name’s Dave.”
A son says to his dad, "Hey I'm going to get a soda, you need anything?". The dad says, "Yeah, get me a beer. Actually, make it two cans.". The son goes into the kitchen and is gone for about an hour and a half. The door opens up and he asks his son, "What the hell took so long?".
The son says, "Well it wasn't easy. I had to go to like three different pet stores before I found one that sold toucans.".
Husband: tonight I want to be generous. Ask me whatever you want in bed...
Wife: ok, please don’t snore
Every time this player was mentioned on TV, my dad would turn to me and ask "do you think he's got a brother called Art?".
I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
She kicked me out and said “The men I please are none of your business!”
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