You are lost in winter but find a cabin. You find it has a fireplace, a kerosene lamp and a stove, but you only have one match. What item in the cabin do you light first?
The match.
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
Two wind turbines are standing in a field and one asks the other βwhat kind of music do you like?β
The other replies βWell, Iβm a big metal fan.β
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other βDang, I left my electrons in the car.β The other replies, βAre you sure?β
βYa, Iβm positive.β
Did you know Pecans are one of the most positive type of nuts out there...
Else, theyβd be called Pecants
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
When geese are migrating they form a "V" shape, but do you know why one side is always longer than the other?
Because there are more geese on that side.
2 pebbles washes up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Two ninjas are sneaking up on their target when one of the ninjas asks the other: "do you think you can hit him from here?" and the ninja says:
"I shuriken"
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?
Stop pretending.
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, βHave you read Marx?β The other one replies...
βYes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.β
Are you the one who signed up for the pee drinking club because if so urine
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If youβre Russian when youβre walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while youβre in the bathroom?
European
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?
"
There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. Puzzled, the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?" The bull replies...
"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
Rudolph The Red and his wife are out walking one day, Rudolph says, βIt looks like rain.β His wife says, βYou donβt know that.β To which he replies,
βRudolph The Red knows rain, dear.β
So God was talking to one of his Angels. He said βIβve created 24 hours of alternating lightness and darkness in earthβ. The Angel said βWhat are you going to do now?β ...
βOh I think Iβll call it a dayβ God replies.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, βYou are under-aged. I canβt serve you beer.β
The weasel asks, βWhat can I have?β
The bartender replies, βI have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.β
βPop!β goes the weasel..
Another one for the IT crowd (if you got this, you are old - sorry)
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?
"
1 boy was named trouble and the other was called shutup. One day trouble got lost so shutup went to the police station and said βI lost my brotherβ. The police said βwhat is your nameβ βshutupβ the police said βwhat did you say to meβ βshutupβ. The police said βare you looking for troubleβ βyepβ
Two goldfish are in a bowl, one fish turns to the other and say when do you think the food is coming? The other says...
Holy crap! A talking fish!
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?"
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure theyβre not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
2 snowmen are standing in a field. One looks to the other and says; "you know, I smell carrots too!"
Two Canadian coffees are sitting in a library when one says to the other "You read a lattΓ©?"
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
Two corn stalks are standing in a field. One leans over to the other and whispers, βHey I gotta tell you something, you got a minute?β The other corn stalk says...
βSure, Iβm all ears.β
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, βWhat are you doing climbing my tree?β βWell, Iβm coming up here to eat some pears.β says the elephant.
βYou idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!β
βWell I brought my own pears.β
One time a German tourist dove into a river to save someone's dog. When he came back, he said to the owner, "Here iz ze dog, put him in a blΓ€nket so he iz dry and warm." The owners ask him, "How do you know, are yoy a vet?" The German looks at them blankly, "Vet? Im fucking soaking!"
One plant says to the other, hey, are you hungry?
Well, I could use a light snack.
There are two bugs. The fly says to the other one βhey bug on my back... are you a mite?β
Bug responds: βI mite be.β
Fly: βStupidest Pun I Ever Heardβ
Bug: βWhat do you expect... I made it up on the flyβ
Two eyes are resting on a face when one says to the other, βBetween you and me, something smells.β
Do you know why when geese are flying, one side of the V is longer?
There's more geese on that side.
Two windmills are in a field. One windmill asks the other windmill: "What kind of music do you like?"
The other windmill says: "I'm a big metal fan."
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?
Stop pretending.
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?
"
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?
"
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?
"
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, βwhat are you going to do now?β
God said, βI think Iβm going to call it a day.β
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?
"
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?
"
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other: βDo you know how to drive this thing?β
