Two bagels are sitting on a table and one asks, "Do you come here often?"
The other responds, "Oh My God, it's a talking bagel!"
Hey- it’s come to our attention that some of you who are posting here aren’t actually dads. It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad.
If you are stuck in the wilderness without toilet paper, here’s a little tip.
Take a page out of Bear Grylls’ book.
A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”
“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”
“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the bartender asks.
“Im a taxidermist!” The man replies.
“What the hell is that!?” The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously “ I umm, mount dead animals”
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar “ it’s ok fellas, he’s one of us!”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A conspiracy theorist was walking through a park and finds a map on a signpost with a ''You are here'' sticker on it.
Looks around wild eyed. ''How do they know? HOW DO THEY KNOW?!?!?''
A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, “here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, “are you a vet?”
He said, “vet? I’m fucking soaking”
Are you Easily Offended? Click here!
Hi, Easily Offended. I'm dad.
Before he passed away, my grandfather said, “Here are three words that would help open a lot of doors for you.”
If you are thinking of settling down, here’s some advice: Don’t date soccer players.
There’s only a 1/11 chance that they’re a keeper.
Clothing store Assistant: Here are the shirts. Do you want M, L, or XL?
Roman customer: Just one, thank you.
If you are here for the yodelling lesson
Please form an orderly orderly orderly queue
Saw this on r/unexpected, thought it was funny so here we are :) I’ll be sure to add the link to the OG post in the comments incase you wanna see it
My girlfriend lives in another city. Last night she texted me saying "I wish you were here; the rains are beautiful".
I replied with "So...you want me to c'monsoon?"
She hasn't replied yet.
Guess she stormed out.
Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.
Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...
Two ninjas are sneaking up on their target when one of the ninjas asks the other: "do you think you can hit him from here?" and the ninja says:
If any of you single *fellas here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do:
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
Are you eggcited for the yolking around, but because it's my first post here, I'm walking on eggshells about posting this, I just hope it says up because the title is eggstremely long.
If you are here for the yodeling class,
please form an orderlyorderlyorderly line.
All the kids are into, "Post Mah Loan" I take it? Well here you go then!
Eat here if you are hungry for puns.
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, “What are you doing climbing my tree?” “Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears.” says the elephant.
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
What are you likely to here at both an Australian Restaurant and a game of chess
One time a German tourist dove into a river to save someone's dog. When he came back, he said to the owner, "Here iz ze dog, put him in a blänket so he iz dry and warm." The owners ask him, "How do you know, are yoy a vet?" The German looks at them blankly, "Vet? Im fucking soaking!"
Hopalong Happychopper walks into the saloon and the bartender says, "Howdy stranger, ain't seen you in these parts, so you must be here to watch the hanging!" Hopalong looks the bartender menacingly in the eyes and replies, "Nope, but seeing we're talking, who are you hanging?"
The bartender responds, "Well, ain't you heard cowboy, we gonna string up Brown Paper Rattler mighty high, even the angels are gonna hear his neck break!"
Hopalong asks, "Why they call him Brown Paper Rattler?"
The bartender chuckles, "Why, old Rattler wears a brown paper Stetson, a brown paper waistcoat and even right down to brown paper socks."
Puzzled, Hopalong then asks, "So why you hanging him?"
...and the bartender replies, "For rustling."
Son drawing a map: "Mom, you and I are right here!" Points at map
Dad: you better add me on there, you'll need a Legend ;)
Vet: Are you here about your dog’s salivation issues?
Me: No, I’m sure he’s going to heaven. Can you fix his excessive slobbering?
"If you are not here please identify yourself"
He'd say this "catch 22" phrase to us kids before every car ride... smh
So you guys like dad jokes? Well, here are some of my favorite ones.
LPT: If you are caught in the wilderness without toilet paper, here’s what you need to do.
Take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.
Here’s a simple rule to follow if you are caught in the wilderness without toilet paper.
Just take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.
If you are here for the yodeling lesson, please form a
orderly orderly orderly queue
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
