The bank man asked me my birthday. I said April 17. He said "Yes, What year?"

I said, "Every year"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BigDCanuck
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 23 2020
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(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should you be released early? Man: I'm... Officer: Go on. Man: I think... Officer: Yes? Man: Can I please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/simplyGagi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said "Plethora"

She said "thank you, that means a lot"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 266
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pongogulous
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
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My brother says Iโ€™m a yes man

Heโ€™s probably right

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mooagain
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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An Ancient Greek walks into a tailor shop with a torn pair of pants. The tailor asks, โ€œEuripides?โ€ The man replies, โ€œYes. Eumenides?โ€
๐Ÿ‘︎ 44
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Uncouth-Youth
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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Man walks into a hardware store...."Any two-watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That'll do. I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn't have any." "Any what?" "Yes please."
๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/simple613
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
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Yes my dad actually told me this one. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Itโ€™s nice, but can it drink water?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RedditingHamster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
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What would you call a short yes man in french?

Oui man

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hereletmegooglethat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 16 2017
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"I've never had an accident and I never will," said Tom recklessly. . "And then the man took off his shoes to prove he had 11 toes, and I lost the bet," Tom recounted. . "Yes, I'm starting a legal business," Tom affirmed. . More in /R/TomSwifties reddit.com/r/TomSwifties
๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tom_Swiftie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 04 2012
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A man asks a police officer if itโ€™s a crime to throw sodium chloride in someoneโ€™s eyes

Officer: โ€œYes, thatโ€™s assault!โ€

Man: โ€œI know itโ€™s a salt, but is it a crime?โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/trace826621
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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come on man!
๐Ÿ‘︎ 670
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KomikazeTheToilet
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโ€™s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevorsโ€™s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevorโ€™s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโ€™t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

โ€œWellโ€ said Jeff, โ€œAs Iโ€™m sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ€.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

โ€œYes of courseโ€ replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShredderSte
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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A guy walks into an empty bar...

He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"

He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.

Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"

Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"

At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"

The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."

The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".

"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.

"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....

"they're complimentary"

:)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 355
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/_thundernugs_
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2020
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Handy Woman gets a job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 78
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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A man and a woman are sitting eating breakfast one day

And the wife says "if I died would you get remarried?" The man says " no don't ask that it's absurd". The wife asks for the next few days until she asks once more and he says "yes." The wife then says "would you sell the house?" The man says "no" she says "would you sell our bed?" The man replies " no no it's our bed" the wife says "would you give her my golf clubs? The man replies "no she's left handed"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EfficientStudent6
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

โ€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that Iโ€™d beat lung cancer...โ€

pauses for effect

โ€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.โ€

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...Iโ€™ll be making matching gifts to St. Judeโ€™s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another โ€˜incurableโ€™ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bilgerat78
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room...

...a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sรญ." "Ja."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 328
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jonmokoko
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasnโ€™t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didnโ€™t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, โ€œHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?โ€

He hadnโ€™t and said so. Then she said, โ€œTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what sheโ€™s really doing.โ€

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. โ€œWell, is she selling drugs?โ€ she asked excitedly.โ€

โ€œNo, sheโ€™s not.โ€ he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

โ€œWell, what is it, then?โ€ his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. โ€œHer name is Sally and sheโ€™s selling batteries.โ€

โ€œBatteries?โ€ cried the wife.

โ€œYes,โ€ he replied. โ€œShe sells C cells by the Seashore.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 93
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AustralianGroan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/QuiltedButts
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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At a nudist camp a couple were sitting discussing politics.

The lady asked "have you read Marx?"

"Yes" the man replied, "I think they're from the wicker chairs."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Stoatwobbler
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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A polish man walks into a police station.

Polish man: help me! Help me! My wife is trying to kill me!

Police man: calm down sir, do you have any evidence that your wife is trying to kill you?

Polish man: Yes! I opened our medicine cabinet and found Polish Remover!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 53
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Anthonybrose
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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A young man worked at a carpet selling business

A young man worked at a carpet selling business and one day his boss came up to him and said:
"We have been impressed with how you sell the products. We're going to send you to a carpeting convention in Las Vegas so you can learn all the tricks of the trade. We will pay for your flights, accommodation, and all your food!"
The young man was excited and went and got ready for his trip. The day of the trip came and the young man's boss called and asked him if he was excited for his adventure to which the young man replied:
"Yes I am! I'm gonna seize the day because I've got a carpet per diem"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/esjay_
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2020
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One day, Kermit the Frog was a little short on cash, so he went to the bank to speak to a loan officer...

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 68
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/norrisrw
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that heโ€™s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits until 12.00 and uses his stethoscope to listen to the thigh.

Sure enough, at 12.00 the Doctor hears the thigh say โ€œHave you got 10 bucks. Can I borrow 10 bucks, I really need the moneyโ€.

The Doctor doesnโ€™t understand whatโ€™s going on. Then the man says, at every quarter hour, my knee also asks for money. At 12.15, the Doctor listens to the mans knee through his stethoscope where he hears the knee say โ€œHave you got 20 bucks. Can I borrow 20 bucks, I really need the moneyโ€.

The Doctor is even more befuddled.

Then the man says, at every half hour, my ankle asks for money. At 12.30, the Doctor listens to the mans ankle through his stethoscope where he hears the ankle say โ€˜Have you got 50 bucks. Can I borrow 50 bucks, I really need the moneyโ€.

The doctor tells the man he doesnโ€™t know whatโ€™s going on. Itโ€™s something heโ€™s never encountered before.

The Doctor asks the man to come back in a week where the Doctor will do some research in the interim.

A week later the man comes back and asks the Doctor if he has any news.

The Doctor says yes โ€“ heโ€™d done some research into the problem and found that the mans leg was broke in 3 places

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 83
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xenevi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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A call to all teacher dads!

This isnโ€™t a dad joke, but Iโ€™m recruiting the best of the best.

Iโ€™m a new teacher headed into a middle school science class, and need all the good dad jokes yโ€™all can come up with so I can leave my students blind from all the eye rolling thatโ€™s in store for them.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/daugarten
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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A man goes to a funeral..

And asks the widow - "mind if I say a word"? The widow says - "yes, please do" The man steps up, clears his throat and exclaims "bargain"! The widow tears up and says "thank you. That means a great deal"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lunarsee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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A man calls a lawyer and asks,

Man: "How much would you charge for three simple questions?"

Lawyer: "$900"

Man: "Wow that is a lot isn't it?"

Lawyer: "Yes it is, now what is your third question?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RhettTheRhett
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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A man went to a nightclub with a piece of string.

The bouncer said, "You can't come in. You haven't got a tie."

The man replied "Yes, I have. It's this piece of string."

The man asked the string "Are you a tie?"

The string replied "No, I'm a frayed knot."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/B_scuit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
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Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked โ€œwhatโ€™s wrong?โ€

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, โ€œyou can talk?โ€

โ€œYesโ€ the well said, โ€œlong ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns peopleโ€

โ€œAlasโ€ the woman said, โ€œI am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.โ€

โ€œDo not be afraidโ€ the well said, โ€œI will take care of this.โ€

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witchโ€™s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ManGood2002
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...?

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die -- you're already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place!

Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DylanTheG999
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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So I recently joined a nudist colony.

The first few days were the hardest.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/UncleDuckjob
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 14 2016
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As I am checking out, I read his nametag and I ask the large black male cashier, "did your momma really name you Amanda?"

I was very surprised that he responded : "Yes, because I am A Man!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bigfatfloppyjolopy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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Dad joked a 3 year old, got Dad joked back.

It's Dinner time-

3y.o.: "Papa you spoon." ( which translates to - please feed me).

Me: "You spoon, I'm busy forking."

3y.o.: "Papa, fork yourself."

edit- Thank you for all the love. Forgot to mention the 3y.o. in question is a she.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/F0dd3r
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 03 2014
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The duck walked up to store

And asked the man: โ€œdo you have chapstick?โ€.

The man said: โ€œyes, you donโ€™t have money though, do you?โ€.

The duck said: โ€œno, just put it on my billโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hollowwistle24
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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The Cheerio story

So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasnโ€™t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this ladโ€™s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the familyโ€™s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasnโ€™t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the โ€œAmerican dreamโ€ and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jackcrackaman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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โ€œBoss, Iโ€™m not coming in today. I woke up this morning and found that I grew a thick beard and have a turban on.โ€

Boss: What?

Man: Yes, Iโ€™m calling in Sikh.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer, he hears a voice and realises it's coming from the bowl of peanuts on the bar "Looking very smart tonight sir and that cologne is hitting all the right notes. Oh yes!"

Somewhat taken aback, but also feeling confident he goes to the Gents to buy some condoms. Just as he's about to put the coins in a voice comes out of the machine "Don't waste your money mate! You haven't got a chance with the ladies tonight."

Astonished at this he relays all this to the barmaid. "Ah, thats easy to explain, the nuts are Complimentary and the condom machine is Out Of Order.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PompeyNige
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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Talking to god

So this man is talking to God and he says:

โ€œGod, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?โ€

Then God says: โ€œYes. A million years is like a second to me.โ€

Then the man says: โ€œSo if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?โ€

Then God said: โ€œYes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.โ€

So the man says: โ€œGod, can I please have a penny?โ€

Then God says: โ€œYeah just give me a second.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lumber__Zach
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

โ€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that Iโ€™d beat lung cancer...โ€

pauses for effect

โ€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.โ€

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...Iโ€™ll be making matching gifts to St. Judeโ€™s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another โ€˜incurableโ€™ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KoronaSenpai
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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The Ultimate Pun

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 413
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DylanTheG999
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should we release you?

Man: I th..

Officer: Yes?

Man: The reas..

Officer: Go on.

Man: May I please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
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Two Watt Bulbs

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier.

"Have you any two watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do, I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any?"

"Any what?"

"Yes please!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 41
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/leec05
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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A man is at a funeral.

He goes up to the widow and says, โ€œIโ€™m so sorry for your loss, may I say a word?โ€

The widow says, โ€œYes, go aheadโ€

The man goes up to the stand and says, โ€œPlethoraโ€

The widow then says, โ€œThank you, that means a lotโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mayo_is_instrument
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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An ancient Greek walks into a tailor with torn pants...

He puts them on the counter of the store and the tailor looks at them.

"Euripedes?" he asks.

"Yes," says the man. "Eumenides?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 30 2017
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The Ultimate Dad Joke: The Bulgarian Train Driver

Okay, so this has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DylanTheG999
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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