My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"

"A person always wins!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M_Arslan_Tahir
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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Yes, I am Christian; no, I can't tell you more about it.

Only my wife gets to enjoy my missionary position.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Ah yes. I can speak mandarin too
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should you be released early? Man: I'm... Officer: Go on. Man: I think... Officer: Yes? Man: Can I please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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Yes, I can!

Got my daughters with some quick thinking last night.

I was annoying my younger daughter with some fatherly banter when she complained, "Dad, can you NOT?"

To which I replied, "Yes, I can! I just take two bits of string and tie them together."

My bonus reward was the sound of my older daughter noisily expelling the big mouthful of drink she'd just had back into her cup, before laughing her head off.

My work here is done...

πŸ‘︎ 983
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unfairrobot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2016
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Wife: Do you like the food I made? Me: Yes. Wife: You can always give me feedback...

Me: (In high pitch voice) EEeeeeeeOOoooooooo!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seventhlaw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Yes I can see!

Dad: Yes I can see! Me: What are you talking about man? Dad: She asked JosΓ© can you see?

National Anthem Dad Jokes. I love him.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dharmanerd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2015
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Misunderstanding on purpose

My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" πŸ™‚).

So every now and then this will happen:

Child : Can I get an app?

Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.

Child: no, an APP

Me: yes, lie DOWN

Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.

Me: or an early night?

Child: weary sigh

Me: you do look tired

  • thinking I'm the best joker in history*

That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.

The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.

πŸ‘︎ 228
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πŸ‘€︎ u/user_error101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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Make two rectangles out of a diamond using one line

This was a problem on my step sons homework. No matter what, he couldn't seem to grasp it. So, I grabbed some post-it notes, turned it to a diamond and said "this is a diamond correct?" he says yes. I then turn the post-it notes a few degrees and say "this is a square correct?" And he instantly got what he had to do. I then threw out this, grade "A" knee slapper of a line "Diamonds are just crooked squares, you can't trust'em".

I think I'm gonna put on my jorts and tube socks now.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigbore_729
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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BBQ humour

If you have ever put together a new BBQ, you know how bad the instructions can be. Yesterday, my wife and I struggled through the horrible task. When we finally figured out the last complicated step, I exclaimed β€œYes! Now we’re cooking with gas.”
She actually smiled at that one, which is rare when I make Dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saskatoonbaldguy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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Vegans and Vegetarians can not have gender reveal parties

Because you must first veal before you can reveal.

And yes, I just said this to my wife. She can't wait until our kids are teenagers and I can tell these jokes in front of their friends.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frumpybuffalo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Doctor to the patient:

- Can you hear better with the hearing aid that I recommended?

- Yes, I can. Thank you very much, doctor. I've already re-written my Will 3 times.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FullMoon-Horror
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglehawk2011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Wife got me with a jungle themed joke (Long-ish)

So we’ve got this FisherPrice Projector Mobile thing that projects a rotating imaging onto the ceiling. (Very nice little thing, highly suggest for babies)

Anyways... We’ve got it set up in the living room and Wife, Son, and I are laying on the ground in the dark watching it go round and round. It’s Jungle Themed, so a lion, elephant giraffe, tiger, a few monkeys, and so on...

We’re pointing out the different animals to Son and he’s repeating a few words here and there... When he starts waving and saying β€œHi” as a new animal rotates in.

So Wife goes, β€œHere comes the Lion. Can you say Hi to the Lion?”

And Son waves and says β€œHi!” and giggles.

Wife: β€œAnd there’s an Elephant! Can you Hi to the Elephant?”

Son: β€œHi... toots”

Wife: β€œYes! Toots! And here’s the next animal. Can you wave to the tiger?”

Son: β€œHi!”

Wife: β€œThat’s the β€˜Hi of the Tiger’”

Me: β€œ... πŸ’€ πŸ’€ πŸ’€β€

Wife: β€œYou love me... Look Son! A Zebra!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Desdomen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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A pre-surgical trans man goes to the doctor

Doc: β€œHave you had any surgeries?”

F2M: β€œYes. I had appendicitis.”

Doc: β€œAh. Appendectomy. How can I help you today?”

F2M: β€œAddadicktome.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaqdeezl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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I'm proud of my son

Talking to my 3 year old son the other day:

Me: Do you know your letters?

Son: Yes

Me: Can you say the alphabet?

Son: The alphabet

My wife and I were cracking up.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unclematthegreat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German man are all watching a street performer

The street performer notices the four men are very far to the back and cannot see, so he stands on a box and continues his performance while asking, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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whiskey please

do you want ice with that?

Yes but can I get fresh ice please none of that frozen rubbish!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goldygold2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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A guy walks into an empty bar...

He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"

He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.

Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"

Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"

At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"

The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."

The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".

"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.

"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....

"they're complimentary"

:)

πŸ‘︎ 359
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_thundernugs_
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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I did it! I told a dad joke that my wife AND preteen daughter laughed at!

Daughter: the dog has a piece of confetti stuck to his butt.

Me: that's because he's a party pooper!

Edit: I can't believe somebody gave me gold for this.

Edit 2: Seriously guys. Quit giving me gold. The joke really wasn't that good.

Edit 3: yes, I have a bunch of kids named Edit.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainAwesome06
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a street performer doing some amazing juggling

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a poor few of the show. So, the juggler stands on a wooden box and asks, β€œCan you all see me now?”

β€œYes” β€œOui” β€œSi” β€œJa”

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jtrad_24
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his β€œpromposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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Handy Woman gets a job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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Guys, I have a serious problem...

I can’t stop saying yes to everything, I think I might have yeprosy

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/broccolibadass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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My 8 year old pulled this on me

Daughter: Dad, are you smart?

Me: Yes.

Daughter: Spell it.

Me: S-M-A-R-T

Daughter: You said you’re smart but you can’t even spell the word β€œit.”

She got me good.

β€”

Edit: My first front page post! I’d like to say thanks to all the wonderful people that upvoted this and made awesome comments. And screw you to the weirdos who went out or their way to say mean things. And thanks to my daughter. She is the real MVP in all this.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SonicPavement
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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A Dad joke from my roommate.

Jesus was with Peter at a gathering (or something), and pointed to a bucket filled to the brim with water.

β€œDo you see that bucket over there, Peter?” Jesus asked.

β€œYes, what about it?” Peter replied.

β€œI can turn it into wine.”

β€œNo way!” Peter said, astonished.

Jesus smiled, β€œYahweh.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObscureWhistle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself...

my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahmaybe2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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I have a can of soup. CAN I open it

Yes I CAN

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siriman432
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing, watching a street performer do some juggling.

The performer notices they have a rather poor view, so stands on a large box, asking 'Can you see me better now?' They reply:

'Yes' 'Oui' 'Si' 'Ja'

πŸ‘︎ 341
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilGingeyboi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, β€œHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, β€œTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. β€œWell, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

β€œNo, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

β€œWell, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. β€œHer name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”

β€œBatteries?” cried the wife.

β€œYes,” he replied. β€œShe sells C cells by the Seashore.”

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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After a procedure... Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks

Me: Can I play piano?

Doctor: Yes you can.

Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swatttt007
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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What is a pronoun?

Yes, it can also be an adverb.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dothemagic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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At a job interview:

"What are your strengths?"

"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Yes, when do I start?"

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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My wife - "Can you pick up bread?"

Me - "Yes I can, it's pretty light. Can you?"

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rahulabon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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One day, Kermit the Frog was a little short on cash, so he went to the bank to speak to a loan officer...

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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Old ladies

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, β€œSometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, β€œYes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them β€œThat must be the door, I’ll get it!” Reply

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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A young man worked at a carpet selling business

A young man worked at a carpet selling business and one day his boss came up to him and said:
"We have been impressed with how you sell the products. We're going to send you to a carpeting convention in Las Vegas so you can learn all the tricks of the trade. We will pay for your flights, accommodation, and all your food!"
The young man was excited and went and got ready for his trip. The day of the trip came and the young man's boss called and asked him if he was excited for his adventure to which the young man replied:
"Yes I am! I'm gonna seize the day because I've got a carpet per diem"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/esjay_
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits until 12.00 and uses his stethoscope to listen to the thigh.

Sure enough, at 12.00 the Doctor hears the thigh say β€œHave you got 10 bucks. Can I borrow 10 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor doesn’t understand what’s going on. Then the man says, at every quarter hour, my knee also asks for money. At 12.15, the Doctor listens to the mans knee through his stethoscope where he hears the knee say β€œHave you got 20 bucks. Can I borrow 20 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor is even more befuddled.

Then the man says, at every half hour, my ankle asks for money. At 12.30, the Doctor listens to the mans ankle through his stethoscope where he hears the ankle say β€˜Have you got 50 bucks. Can I borrow 50 bucks, I really need the money”.

The doctor tells the man he doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s something he’s never encountered before.

The Doctor asks the man to come back in a week where the Doctor will do some research in the interim.

A week later the man comes back and asks the Doctor if he has any news.

The Doctor says yes – he’d done some research into the problem and found that the mans leg was broke in 3 places

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room...

...a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "SΓ­." "Ja."

πŸ‘︎ 331
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonmokoko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I please finish my sentence?!

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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The Ultimate Pun

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

πŸ‘︎ 408
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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Getting Old

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, β€œSometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, β€œYes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them β€œThat must be the door, I’ll get it!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Si"

"Ja"

πŸ‘︎ 267
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amanbbi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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