My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c

After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

πŸ‘︎ 807
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πŸ‘€︎ u/avinash333bhat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Guys, make your woman feel special. Place a framed photo of her in the kitchen...

....and write "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH" on top.

πŸ‘︎ 270
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Is it okay to compare a man getting β€œthe snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied?

After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vampir3dud3_
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
A reporter interviewed a 103-year old woman: β€œAnd what is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.

The woman simply replied, β€œNo peer pressure.”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar

A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."

πŸ‘︎ 331
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
You could say that a woman wearing iron armor is a female wearing a... fe mail
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aistan83
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...

But Bill kept the Windows

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScubaPride
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I once complimented a curvy woman who doesn't believe Earth is round.

she replied that it was very flattering.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cthulhouette
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman walks into a bar. β€œI’ll have an entendre,” she says to the bartender. β€œMake it a double.”

So he gave it to her.

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingi0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks her. "First offender?"

She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RodimusMajor84
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Invisible man marries Invisible woman...

The kids were nothing to look at.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A man turns up to a fancy dress party with no costume apart from a naked woman on his back.

He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.

"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.

"Oh, This is Michelle"

This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awkwrdgirl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
To please a woman you have to be like a saloon.

Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/w0mba7
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
If a woman sleeps with 10 men that means she's a slut. But what does that make a man if he does it?

Gay. Very gay

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
If a man and woman in Missouri get divorced..

Are they still brother and sister?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can’t unscrew a pregnant woman!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WhyNautHappiness
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
There's a woman in the park selling batteries...

She sells, C cells by the seesaw.

πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman who never buys or rents?

Alisa

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Football-Real
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What does Wonder Woman do before she goes to bed?

She puts her pajamazon

πŸ‘︎ 458
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pappajay2001
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was younger, I felt like a man, trapped inside a woman body.

Then, I was born.

πŸ‘︎ 216
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.

I never got a straight answer.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OMMOPOWER
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I am a mom but, here goes

Did you know that NASA sent a chicken to the moon?

You remember the a pollo missions.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NEIRBO747
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
After years of trying, a woman tells her husband she is pregnant.

The man, tearing up, takes his wife's hand and says, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm going to be a dad."

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stress-Thick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I always wondered how Wonder woman travelled from Themyscira to London in 1 day...

I then realized she's an amazon, so she gets next day shipping

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eddster17
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman with two left feet walks into a shoe store

She asks the manager, "excuse me, do you have any flop-flops?"

πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bowmbaclott
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I met a woman outside the mall crying

She had lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I just found. When god blesses you, you must bless others.

Taken from dad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bmantis311
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
what's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Possible_Decent
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Ever heard about the woman who only did rap battles, when she was on her menstrual period?

They said she had a mean flow.....

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TPew1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
An hysterical woman went to see her doctor because she was peeing coins.

She explained that it started out as pennies, then nickels and now dimes! Her Dr. said it was nothing to worry about, she was just going through the change.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s a 4 letter for a woman ending with β€œunt”?

Aunt

πŸ‘︎ 235
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CaymanRich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

πŸ‘︎ 25k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman who catches fish ?

Annette.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.

No need to remind her every half hour.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldn’t! wouldn’t! couldn’t! didn’t! can’t! The doctor says "don't worry."

β€œThose are just contractions.”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I went on a date with a catholic woman yesterday.

I tried to have a nice conversation, flirt, and enjoy our dinner, but she was having nun of it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nexrotoxic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I once met a woman who had 12 breasts. Sounds weird..

..Dozen tit?

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLMR56
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the pregnant woman bit by a shark?

She hopes it's a buoy

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RatherNerdy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Woman to Butcher: People who sell meat are gross...

Butcher to Woman: People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TylerDurdenSEA
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What's six inches long, has a bald head and every woman loves?

A hundred dollar bill.

This is my dad's favorite joke.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorModalus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the woman who bought 101 donuts?

She known as Cruller de Vil.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I yelled β€œCOW” at a woman on a bike.

She flipped me off then hit the cow.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the invisible man who married an invisible woman?

Their kids were nothing to look at either.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nikolai_G
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report

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