How did the baseball team with diarrhea win the shutout game?

They had the runs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MenInBlerg
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2022
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A new British game show where contestants compete to either win dental work on one tooth, or they have to perform a physical challenge to continue. It’s called…

Tooth or Consequences.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoliverTShagnasty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2022
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My son came home from his little league game with a big golden trophy. I said, "It was raining so hard today, I didn't think you'd get to play, let alone that you'd win!"

"I didn't," he said. "This is a precipitation trophy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noobtheloser
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2022
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Why did the hammers win the basketball game?

They nailed every shot.

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πŸ“…︎ May 17 2022
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You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game?

Apparently that’s not allowed in bowling. I know that now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2021
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For religious people, life is a pray-to-win game.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_NormieLord_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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How did Link win the basketball game?

He used his hookshot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Averet101
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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So Dad, who do you want to win in the Colts vs. Broncos game?

Doesn't matter to me, son. I don't have a horse in the race.

GROAN

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sloppy_wade
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2015
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I told my wife it's funny that I can't beat my friend in a certain card game, but win against him every time in the online version.

I guess when I'm using a mouse something just clicks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gunnrhildr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2015
🚨︎ report
So after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV…

Apparently that’s considered to be unacceptable in bowling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/okiedokie2468
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2022
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Why do tornadoes always win football games

Because they always touch down

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjobob1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2022
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I compete with my wife on who owns the most board games. I thought I was winning...

But she had the Monopoly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/razr_x
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2022
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Why did the ghost soccer team win all their games?

They were amazing at possessing the ball.

*My son's joke. I'm so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArcticTrek
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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Winning baseball games on the road is nothing like winning games at home.

It's not even the same ballpark.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darth_Lawyer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2021
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We were winning the game of covid until...

...we were Delta bad hand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leroyandj
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2021
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It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow…

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she keeps leaving Jewelry Catalogues all over the house.

So I bought her a magazine rack.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/champbellamy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2022
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My wife is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed….

I was cheating on her.

Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2022
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What does a russian do when he is winning in soccer and there is 5 minutes left in the game?

He starts Stalin

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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The key to winning in Battle Royale games is the element

Of supplies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRage469
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about the game winning Super Bowl LIII touchdown?

It crosses the line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinOfPop
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Some top Tom Swifties
  • "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
  • "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
  • "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
  • "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
  • "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
  • "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
  • "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
  • "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
  • "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
  • "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
  • "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
  • "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
  • "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
  • "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
  • "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
  • "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
  • "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
  • "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
  • "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
  • "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
  • "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
  • "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
  • "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
  • "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
  • "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
  • "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
  • "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
  • "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
  • "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
  • "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
  • "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
  • "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
  • "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
  • "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
  • "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
  • "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
  • "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
  • "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
  • "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
  • "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
  • "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
  • "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
  • "I hate pale ale," sai
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2022
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This condor made the game winning shot

It was a buzzard beater

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maybemangos
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What's a losing tennis player's favourite movie?

Broke Back Mountain

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eagleboy444
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2022
🚨︎ report
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are doing a tour of an old castle

They notice a sign for the watchtower challenge. They ask the tour guide what it’s about and he says β€œif you can drop your watch from the top of the old watchtower and catch it before it hits the ground, you win a million in gold to take home.” The Englishman goes first, drops his watch and runs down the steps, but he’s got no chance and his watch is completely broken. Then the Scotsman tries: he throws his watch up as high as he can to get more time, but his watch also smashes on the ground. But then the Irishman goes. He drops his watch and casually strolls down the watchtower steps. He goes straight over the road for a couple of drinks at the pub, and plays a game of pool. He then walks back over the road, waits a few minutes and catches his watch. The tour guide asks, β€œhow did you manage that?” and the Irishman says β€œit was easy… my watch is an hour slow.”

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sourceshrek
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2021
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After telling my teenage daughter she has to be home by eleven

Daughter: Why are you so mean! Me: Well, I consider myself to be above average. Daughter: What's that mean? Me: I suppose I could assign each letter a value and then add them up and give you the mean. Daughter: Are you crazy? Me: No, that's how you calculate the mean. Daughter: I don't know what that means. Me: I don't know yet either, I have to calculate it. Daughter: Ugh, why do you have to be like this. I'll be home at eleven.

Game, set, match, Dad wins.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2022
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I had to break up with my tennis-playing girlfriend

Love meant nothing to her.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/milkchaser
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Did anyone else hear about that trial where the whole courtroom had to play baseball?

The jurors all ran home for the game winning runs but were tagged at the plate. There was an instant replay to determine if it was the right call, but ultimately the call stood and the game ended. They're really upset about it and a lot of them think they were safe, but the jury's still out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HardcoreHugs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
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What did the yogurt say to his stupid yogurt friend.

Yoplait stupid games, You win stupid prizes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moplex1234
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2021
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Fresh from my dad earlier today.... Yellow 34

A bloke has been feeling unwell, decides to go the doctor to get checked out.

Doctor: I'm afraid you've got a terminal illness, uncureable, only 200 or so people in the country have it.

Bloke: My god that's awful what's it called?

Doctor: I'm afraid to say sir, you've contracted Yellow 34

Bloke goes home to his wife, sitting in the kitchen all sad. Tells the wife: darling I've been to the doctor's, I have an illness called Yellow 34, it's uncureable and I'm really worried.

Wife: I'm so sorry darling but it sounds like nothing we can do Why don't you come to Bingo to take your mind off it?

@Bingo

Bloke wins 3 games in a row, full house every time, can't believe his luck. Goes up to collect his prize for the 3rd time.

Bingo caller: Sir, I've been calling number here for 15 years and never seen anything like it, you must be the luckiest person in the world.

Bloke: To be honest mate, I've had some bad news today, just came to Bingo to take my mind off it.

I've got Yellow 34.

Bingo caller: Fucking hell, you've won the bloody raffle as well!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Azonic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2021
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A wife came home and finds her husband sitting in front of a game of chess....

...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.

She asks: "What are you doing?"

He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."

"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"

"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/abucket87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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"Hey, Seattle, wanna win the Super Bowl?"

"No, thanks. We'll pass."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2015
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Had to pick myself up off the floor after this one..

So here in the UK we have a game show called the cube were contestants complete challenges to win cash. On Saturday night a contestant came on and she only had one hand. She walked away with Β£20k.

My sister comes out with she has enough money to buy a new hand now and my dad lays this one on us almost instantly

'she'd have to go to a second hand store'

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKeenski
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2014
🚨︎ report
A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wonder Woman"

Nothing

Clown asks: "Have you heard of the baseball team the Chicago Hot Dogs? They are the wurst"

Doesn't crack a smile

Clown asks: "Why was the alcoholic so annoying? He wined too much"

Clown starts to get nervous

Clown asks: "The disinterested hockey player got a penalty. What was it? Boarding"

Blank look

Clown asks: "What is a nun's favorite card game? Old Maid"

Yawn

Clown asks: "How do crustaceans celebrate birthdays? With crab cakes"

Annoyed

Clown asks: "What do you call a champion deer? A Win-doe"

grasping at straws

Finally Clown asks: "How do sheep sleep when they have nightmares? Baaaaadly"

He never laughs. Clown gives him his $100 and asks "Did any of my jokes make you laugh?"

Man says "No pun-in-ten-did"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game?

Apparently, that's not allowed in bowling. I know that now.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmBeeCSGO
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
After winning the game I decided to throw my ball into the crowd

Apparently that’s frowned upon in bowling

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cockneybastard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2022
🚨︎ report
After winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.

Apparently, that's unacceptable in bowling.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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