What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing his own incision?

Suture self πŸ€·β€β™‚οΈ

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TotallyUnassuming
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What would you say about someone who likes automobiles, writing instruments, and forests?

That they’re in to carpentry!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deeoh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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What did the chicken say when asked who his favorite classical composer was?

BACH BACH!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guitarguy12341
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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What did the Queen Bee say to the worker bees who were fighting?

She asked them to bee-hive

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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What did the gardener say to the two men who were fighting?

Its thyme to stop.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charmandernews
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes

"I artichoke you for that"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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Barbie and Ken are continually arguing over who will empty the dishwasher. One day, Ken says "Barbie, I've unloaded the dishwasher every day this week.. can you PLEASE do it just this once?"

..."No, Ken do"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadaddy-o
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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What did the tomato say to the person who was about to eat him?

I hate you from my head to-ma-toes.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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They say there are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

I think that's Booleshit.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/praisethelort
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.

Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?

Thank you for your cervix.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saxtrav
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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What did the monk say who saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

I can't believe it's not Buddha.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LongDecision1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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What did the tree say to his buddy, who was about to get in a fight?

I got your bark.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwarerulz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a tea hater say to the waiter who brought them tea when they ordered coffee?

That's not my cup of tea.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BowelMovementator
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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What does a medium who wears rose-colored glasses say?

I see red people

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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What did Mr. Willy, a man who served his country, say to Mr. Rubber?

. . .

"Cover me, I'm going in!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/project4167
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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There was once a old grape farmer, who had gone through many droughts. When his grapes had fallen and dried out, all he could say was....

Everything happens for a raisin.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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They found bones of a homisapien who lived before the ice age. Some say he was the first hipster...

since he lived on the earth before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gunjeepcigarbeer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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What do you say of someone who envies a pudding?

He's jelly.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaheil2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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"Confucius Says...War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left."
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says

"Well prayed"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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If you have something urgent to say to your magician friend who you can only communicate with via mail...

You better use a Penn & Teller

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rustyironbuckets
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks

"woof" guy replies

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDogBoyMark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the paramedic say to the patient who needed to vent?

ICU later.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dr_gaia
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the person who discovered the wheel say?

What a revolutionary discovery!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhCuber05
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Cow say to the other cow who was in her way?

Moo outta my way, you cow.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Albus_Veritas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Everybody who voted today gets to say they got exercise.

Because they exercised their right to vote.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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Ramadan is starting today. To all my Muslim friends who are observing this holy month, I have one thing to say.

Lunch is on me.

πŸ‘︎ 458
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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What did the king of breadland say to his servant who upset him?

I loaf you will all my anger

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bennettchan18
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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What did the cell say to the other cell who stepped on its foot?

Ouch, mitosis!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KhalCottonCandy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Today at dinner, my little brother asked me who a skeleton’s favorite celebrity is. I asked who, then he proceeded to Skeletor laugh and say....

.... Pelvis Presley

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedBeard308
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I can’t stand people who say data we all know it’s pronounced...

Data

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UndeadNineKills
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the dad say to his son who wouldn't shut up about buying him a cup so he could play sports?

Oh, put a sock in it!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
To all the women out there who say size doesn’t matter:

You are all extremely shallow

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DwelveDeeper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Eastern European say to his friend who was swearing a lot?

Hey, stop using such Bulgar language

(Eastern euro joke 6/7)

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkkiller1234
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife says to her husband: "Honey, I want to donate my clothes to people who are starving."

The husband replys: "Debra whoever receives your clothes surely won't be starving."

(I apologise if this has already been posted, I just heard my dad say it to me today.)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PresidentalPanda
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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What do you say to someone who has been on the moon when you feel bad about something?

>You Apollo-gize

(From my son today, he has improved astronomically over the past few years.)

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waremi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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What did the emporar who lost his castle say?

Its just not my forte.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cmbhatt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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What did the chicken say to the Lobster who refused to wear a face mask?

You're so shellfish!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mockturtle22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

Suture self.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says

"Well prayed"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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