Do you want to know why scuba divers fall back when they sit on the ledge of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd fall into the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scell_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2023
🚨︎ report
"How much do you want off the back?" asked the hairdresser.

"None," I replied. "Only my head."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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What do you call a bee that dies, comes back to life, and wants to eat your brain?

A Zom-BEE!!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaos4one
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2022
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I lost 10 pounds this week by always wearing a big chunk of sourdough bread on my head

It's my new loaf hat diet.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2023
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An Elderly Woman Gets Pulled Over For Speeding...

Older Woman:Β Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop:Β Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman:Β Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop:Β Can I see your license please?

Older Woman:Β Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop:Β Don't have one?

Older Woman:Β No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop:Β I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman:Β I can't do that.

Traffic Cop:Β Why not?

Older Woman:Β I stole this car.

Traffic Cop:Β Stole it?

Older Woman:Β Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop:Β You what!?

Older Woman:Β His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2:Β Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman:Β Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2:Β My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman:Β Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2:Β Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2:Β Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman:Β Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2:Β My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2:Β Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman:Β Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

πŸ‘︎ 309
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_Doge_5169
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2023
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I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."

I told him, "well, this time, you should."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Once upon a time, there was a bird...

This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.

But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.

He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.

Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.

Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.

He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.

After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.

Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.

The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".

The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.

After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vasagle_gleblu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2023
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My son learned about radioactive decay in chemistry class, he was real excited when he got home and had a million questions. He wanted to build a reactor in the back yard. I told him we couldn’t. β€œWhat, are you not smart enough?”

β€œNo U”

I’ll see myself out.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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Apparently not a joke

I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying

We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff

I used to wake up for college early in the morning I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile

I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times

Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty

I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him

He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad

Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes

Edit : thank you so much dad's for your overwhelming support I love you guys and I just want to take a moment to thank all the people here who shared their experiences as well of having lost a parent... Your story inspires me to continue forward with the torch

Also I'm seeing quite a few comments saying the post is not funny and that they came for a laugh... I'm truly sorry about that, I just really wanted to honor my dad in this sub since we spent so much time together here scrolling for jokes and I needed the push from you dads to get back on my feet

I'm never going to be the same that's for sure knowing a peice of me has been lost forever... The void will never be filled in my heart But your support is just what I needed, once again thank you dads I love you

Edit 2: thank you so much dads for your overwhelming support I know I haven't been able to respond to all the dms and messages here but I've been reading them all and it's just made me smile in the worst Thank you dads you guys are the best

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farzad6969
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2022
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What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?

Where's popcorn?

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waffle_Pirate_469
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2023
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How did the chiropractors know they were in the right place for the annual convention?

The sign above the door read "Welcome, back people!"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2023
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"Back so soon? I thought you went for a haircut, dad?" asked my son. "Well..." I replied. "My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused."

"I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Back in the old days you could send whatever you wanted to, to someone and they’d take you seriously, they’d believe you cause

Those were just fax!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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Why are toilets always at the back of a jet?

So shit doesn't hit the fan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/8point5characters
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2023
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You gonna dyson.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pupulikjan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2022
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True story: Teenage daughter has been wanting Boba, but all the shops near our apartment close early.

Tonight, the wife and I were near the International District where several of the boba shops are open late.

I texted my kid to see what kind of tea she wanted.

No response. Waited five minutes.

Texted again. No response.

Went in and just ordered something that I thought she’d like.

Finally she says, β€œI’ll have Jasmine Milk Tea with 1/2 sweetener, non dairy..”

I texted back and said, β€œYou’re getting Honey Green Tea.. Sorry. You waited oolong to respond”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealJamesWax
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2023
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First Day as a Truck Stop Waitress

After a long night of driving, a trucker pulls into his favorite truck stop for some breakfast. He sits down at the counter and the waitress asks, "What can I get you?"

The driver says, "I'll have two flat tires, a pair of new headlights, and some windshield wipers."

The waitress had no clue what that order meant but not wanting to look naΓ―ve, she takes the order back to the cook to see if he can help. Sure enough, the cook new exactly what the order meant. The cook replies, " Your customer wants two pancakes, two eggs sunny side up, and two slices of bacon."

Feeling relieved, the waitress goes back to the driver and promptly hands him a bowl of baked beans. The driver looking confused says, "This isn't what I ordered." The waitress smartly replies, "I just thought that while you wait for all those parts to come in, you might also like to gas up!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspenTD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2023
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A guy just threw a bottle of milk at my head...

How dairy!?

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xonihr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2022
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β€œDad, do you want me to bring you joy?”

My 6-year-old son made me proud! He asked me, β€œDad, do you want me to bring you joy?” I gave him a puzzled look. He brought back a Christmas decoration that I had overlooked putting away, a 12” high wooden stand-up word, β€œJ O Y.β€œ He brought me joy in more ways than one! He’s a chip off the old block. πŸ˜€

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlickHeadSinger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2023
🚨︎ report
150 Elephant Jokes

This is a compilation from the internet, and a few I made or heard myself. Hope you laugh!

^((Elephant Jokes were a thing from the 1960s. You can read about them on Wikipedia.))

^((Each section should be read all at once, in order. Some sections also reference previous sections. ))

Mouse

Q: Why did the elephant run from the mouse?

A: Because it had a bazooka.

Q: Why did the mouse chase the elephant?

A: To steal the bazooka.

Toenails

Q: Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?

A: So it could hide in a cherry tree.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

A: Works, doesn't it?

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in a cherry tree?

A: Tickle the cherries and see if they laugh.

Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

A: A giraffe eating cherries.

Q: How can you tell if there have been elephants in your fridge?

A: There are footprints in the custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?

A: That's not paint, it's custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, blue, green, orange, yellow, and brown?

A: So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.

Q: How did the mouse break his back?

A: He tried to carry a bag of M&Ms home from the store.

Oak Trees

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?

A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 1 and 2 in the afternoon?

A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the oak tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: Why is it dangerous to walk in the forest between 3 and 4 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants fall out of the oak trees.

Q: What is a furry alligator?

A: A bear that crossed the woods at 3:30 in the afternoon.

Under the Bed

Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?

A: He has a big 'E' on hi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2023
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Eating a grilled salmon...

One day I was with my family on a gorgeous day and we were eating outside in the backyard. We were having salmon grilled on a cedar plank, so I was looking forward to this. My mother-in-law who did the grilling announces it's done, so we all sit down with heavenly looking salmon, corn on the cob, potato salad and what-have-you.

No sooner did we take a bite that we realize that the salmon's not quite done yet. My mother, who was also with us, said that it seems to be a bit underdone. My mother-in-law agrees and proceeds to collect the salmon back to finish it off in the oven since the grill was out and cleaned up.

As they were walking back with plates full of undercooked salmon, I realized my golden opportunity to strike, upon which I yelled out to them:

"Yeah, we wouldn't want anyone catching salmonella now!"

I've never been prouder of myself than in that moment and cemented myself as a newly minted dad (firstborn was just a couple of months old).

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waffler11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2023
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A man dies and goes up to heaven

He meets Peter at the Pearly Gates and says to Peter β€œI want to meet the Lord”. Peter tells him to wait and he goes to the Lord and says β€œThere’s a guy who wants to meet you. What do I tell him?” The Lord says β€œAsk him what he has done”. Peter returns and asks him. The guy says β€œI gave a man a dollar once”. Peter tells the Lord this. The Lord says β€œAsk him what else”. The man says this time β€œI gave a woman a dollar too”. Peter tells the Lord this and asked the Lord again β€œWhat should I do?” The Lord said β€œ Give him back his 2 bucks and tell him to go to hell”.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2023
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You shouldn't eat watches.

It's time consuming.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amallucent
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2022
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
why do so many people use the phone in the restroom?

Doesn't the reception stink?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackSkurge
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2022
🚨︎ report
POOL

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Expert-Angle-8214
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2023
🚨︎ report
Long one but one of my favorites

Jesus is walking in Jerusalem when he sees Benjamin Goldstein, the robemaker.

β€œExcuse me, Ben? I have been told that you are the man to see when you want to have robes that will last walking for miles and being touched by hundreds at a time”

Goldstein ponders for a minute, then an idea comes to him. He makes Jesus the most beautiful robes ever made, all colors and the softest but most durable material Jesus had ever seen. Jesus was grateful and wandered off to give sermons.

About a year goes by, and Jesus finds his way back to Goldstein. β€œPardon me, Ben? The robes you made me were magnificent, but as all good things do, these are now well worn. Can you make me another?”

Goldstein takes a moment to plan out his masterpiece, then proceeds to make a second robe that put the first robe to shame. It almost glowed in the sunlight. While delivering it, he told Jesus, β€œyou know, since I made your last robes, I have seen more customers come through my doors than I could ever have hoped for, and I’m sure I’ll get even more from these ones! Hey, Jesus! We should start a company!”

Jesus inquired β€œwhat should we call it?”

Goldstein shrugs and suggests, β€œhow about Jesus and Goldstein’s robes?”

Jesus looks back and says, β€œlet’s call it Lord and Tailor”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wreckingjew
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2023
🚨︎ report
I hear Russia started an offensive against Ukrainian wheat fields.

They're taking them with a grain assault.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/borgenhaust
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2022
🚨︎ report
Me and my wife watched 3 movies back to back

Luckily I was the one facing the tv

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShreksRightLeg
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2022
🚨︎ report
I wish people weren’t so offended by my Frozen jokes.

They really need to let it go.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thecyriousone
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2022
🚨︎ report
Takoda is just named chief of the northern Nyuktuk Tribe

One of the natives asks him if it's going to be a cold winter. Takoda, being a new chief, doesn't know the tricks of determining the weather from the animals, clouds, trees, etc. but he also doesn't want to look naive so he says "yes I think it's going to be cold, so gather some wood." The townspeople thus head out to get wood.

When all the townspeople leave, the chief calls the weather station and asks if it's going to be a cold winter in Nyuktuk. The guy at the weather office says "hold on a second." He comes back and says "yes it appears like it will be a cold winter."

When the townspeople come back Takoda says to them "it's going to be a colder weather than I first thought. Go gather more wood."

So the townspeople head out to get more wood. But the chief is still not sure. So he calls back the weather station and asks if they are sure. The weatherman says "one second" then comes back on and says "it's definitely going to be a cold winter." So when the townspeople return, Chief Takoda tells them to go out and gather all the wood they can find.

But after they all the townspeople leave, the chief is still not sold. So he calls the weather station and asks if they are sure it's going to be cold in Nyuktuk. The weatherman says that not only will it be cold but it likely will be one of the coldest winters on record. "But how do you know?" the chief asks. The weatherman says "because the Indians are gathering wood like crazy."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Budget-Pay3743
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2022
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A man has 3 girlfriends and doesn’t know whom to marry!?!

He gives each girl $5000 and sees how’d they spend it.

  1. Does a whole body makeover- I love you and want to look beautiful for you always

  2. Buys him a new set of clubs and a new tv- I want you to have fun bc I love you

  3. Takes the $5000, invests it, doubles it, reinvests the profits and gives him back his $5000. I love you and want us to focus on our future and plan together…

The man still can’t decide and just goes with the one who has the biggest boobs!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Someday_wonderful
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2022
🚨︎ report
A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his

unholstered pistol and yelled "I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife."A voice from the back of the room called out "you need more ammo!"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourOverLordisME
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2022
🚨︎ report
A bride is out shopping on her honeymoon while her husband is at the hotel

She texts her husband "if you're sleeping send me your dreams; if you're singing send me your melody; if you're laughing send me your smile.

He texts back "I'm taking a dump. So what do you want me to send you?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Budget-Pay3743
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2022
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
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Today, I traveled to a rural town called Derry.

I had a very refreshing breath of Derry air 🀭

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rodrick_Langley
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2022
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I recently discovered a DJ and music producer, Marshmello.

I don't know his music, but I would definitely tune in to his Comedy Central roast.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iresenteverything
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2022
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When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.

I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.

"Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked.

"Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it."

"Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ok_Fun_1974
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2022
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So my wife got her coworker with a great dad joke yesterday

So her coworker was complaining about a headache and he couldn't focus. She replied back "Do you want some orange juice?" He looks at her puzzled and asked why? She replied "It's from concentrate"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/durden427
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2023
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Cake Day Clock Jokes

My book about clocks just come in the mail. It's about time.

6:30 is the best time, hands down.

What is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurtie.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence.

How do you know is a clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Why did the child throw the clock out of the window? He wanted to see time fly.

What is a belt made of clocks called? A waist of time.

Why should you never eat a clock? It is far too time-consuming.

One clock was reading a clocks biography, a written work about a persons life not written by them. It was second hand information.

What kind of candy is never on time? Choco-late.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrman1575
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2022
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Little Johnny, aged 7, came home from school one day and asked his dad:

β€œDaddy, where do I come from?”

His poor father started sweating, knowing that one day his son would want to know all about β€˜it’. He looked around for his wife to take on the explanation, but she was out at the shops. It was no good, his father thought. β€˜It’s time he knew’ and took the young lad to one side and explained how mummy and daddy met and then married and wanted to produce a baby and, well, you know the rest. After much awkwardness and embarrassment, after nearly an hour, the dad finally reached the point in the story where his son was born in hospital. The young boy’s face just stared back, mouth open and speechless. β€œSo, tell me son, why do you ask?”

The boy, still in shock, said. β€œBilly Clark in our class, said he was from Chicago”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2022
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Wife: I can't believe we're going to see CΓ©line Dion tonight, what should I wear?

Me: Earplugs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahandmadegrin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2022
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