Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight."
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found...
She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”
The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”
My wife and I were walking into the supermarket when we saw cherries prominently displayed near the entrance.
Looking at the price, I said to her, "Damn, they're cherribly expensive!".
My wife stood up and said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me. I just sat there.
I love watching the end credits of a movie.
Two dogs were walking down an empty highway. One of them stopped and defecated in the middle of the road.
When he was finished, he looked at the other dog and said, “Clean up that mess.”
The other dog sniffed the pile and said, “Nope. That’s your asphalt!”
How does Harry Potter like to get to the bottom of a hill? Walking
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
I was walking in a parking lot and tripped. I hit my head on a car.
A lumberjack walking into a magic forest and chose a tree to chop down.
when he started swinging, the tree shouted, 'wait, wait! i'm a talking tree!' the lumberjack smiled and told him, 'and you will dialogue.'
I'd never seen a walking sink before
Ghandi spent a lot of time walking through the desert, so his feet hurt and he was always thirsty and weak. It's also very hard to brush your teeth in the desert.
He was a super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew i couldn’t turn that down.
My girlfriend was walking thru the city with stilettos on when a part of one gave out...
She said, "what the heel!"
While I was walking the dog, our 4 yo was harassing my wife for a treat. She texted “She’s trying to get a popsicle out of me.”
I responded “But you’re not a freezer.”
I could feel the eye roll down the street.
There were two peanuts walking through the park, and one was a salted
.........(that’s the joke )
If mental hospitals had walking trails they would be called?
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...
I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.
I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...
I once saw a man walking who was so small...
that he didn't even reach the ground
What do you call a walking stick that makes you walk faster?
What kind of running means walking ?
Two lions walking through the Savannah, first one says ‘waaarghhhhhhh’
Second one says ‘sciatica still playing up?’
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If you’re Russian when you’re walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
My friend was confused when he saw me walking around with bananas on my feet.
I told him they were my slippers.
Found this walking in a local area
A young boy was walking to school when he saw a dead dog in the road. When he got to school he told his teacher what he saw. “How do you know if the dog was dead?” She asked the boy. “I know because I pissed in his ear.” The teacher looked horrified. “What do you mean you pissed in his ear??”
‘I went up to him and went “Pssstt!” in his ear and he didn’t move.’
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
I saw my dentist walking down the street the other day...
He was shaking his head and looking at his watch. He said I'm overdue for an appointment and that he has an opening today. I asked what time can I come in? He smugly replied "tooth hurty".
I was walking up the aisle at my local Home Depot and spotted a cranky looking old man in an orange vest.
“Excuse me, could you help me?” I asked.
He grunted in response, barely looking at me.
“Um, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”
He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, “Do we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.
I took a fence.
My friend hurt his foot walking around a St.Louis landmark...
The bar is within walking distance...
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar...
And a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering!
Three tomatoes are walking down a street: papa tomato, mama tomato, and baby tomato. The baby tomato starts lagging behind and papa tomato gets really angry, goes back and squishes him. He says...
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his scrabble letters while walking down the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
I took a shortcut through some bushes, but didn’t realize I was walking into poison ivy...
That was a rash decision.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
What is it called when someone farts while walking ahead of someone else?
A man is walking into an expensive restaurant when...
A man is walking into an expensive restaurant when he is stopped by the Maitre'D, who tells him that he can't be admitted without a necktie. The man, late for his appointment, runs back out to his car and searches high and low. Finally, out of desperation, he grabs a set of jumper cables, ties them into a rough knot around his neck and runs back into the restaurant. The Maitre'D stares at him for a few seconds and finally says, "Alright, I'll let you in..." and then leans in and says in a low growl, "but you'd better not try to start anything."
Walking is just teleportation...
I tried walking a mile in someone else's shoes the other day...
Had to stop early though. Apparently the other guy called it stealing.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
The other day I was walking down the street and I commented that I like someone’s spunky shoes. 10 minutes later I passed her again and she gave me a $5 bill she found on the ground.
That’s karma in real life
A Scotsman stumbles out of the bar and as he is walking down the street, he walks past a girl.
The girl asks, “is it true that there’s nothing under that kilt of yours?” The Scotsman replies, “why don’t you reach under and see for yourself?” The girl reaches under his kilt and quickly removes her hand. “Dear god, that’s gruesome!”
The Scotsman replied back “Aye, and if you reach up under there again, you’ll see it’s gruesome more.”
These two dinosaurs were walking one day and they came across another dinosaur they had never seen before, eating plants. One says "Who is that?!" and the other replies...
"I dunno. I've never seen herbivore!"
I was walking through town with my wife one day when she pointed out a man dressed like a tree selling $1 hard-boiled eggs,
She said "What's he doing? Is this normal??? It isn't even Easter".
I said "Oh him? That's Egg-Sell-Ent"
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
Yelled down the street to my daughter while she was walking my FIL's little chihuahua: "Hey did you get that dog on sale??"
It certainly looks like you got it half off!!
I could hear the groan all the way up the street..success!
My son and I were walking down the street and he was saying he didn't know which girl to ask to prom and whether he should get a pink or red corsage. I stopped and said, "you might not even have prom due to coronavirus! You gotta look at the big picture, son."
And we both admired the new mural.
I was walking down the street and ran into the man who once sold me an antique globe.
I was walking pasta farm and a sign said "Duck,Eggs"
I thought-"that's an unnecessary comma-then it hit me"
I was walking in the Himalayan mountains when a hairy creature came into view. I was about to snap a picture but it said, "do not take a picture of me at this moment."
What do you call a narcissist criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Try walking up behind someone and scare them
About a week ago, I started walking 5 miles a day...
I now haven’t got the slightest idea where I am.
Two pretzels were walking in a bad neighborhood
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Friend: "Hey that's a pretty sweet walking stick!"
Me: "Thanks! I covered it in cane sugar!"
I saw a women walking her dog.
A puppy, I thought. I said to her, how old? She said, 11 actually. I said, by God! You look at least 50!
Found this walking around downtown Indianapolis yesterday.
I saw this odd guy walking towards the cemetery with a shovel...
A man is walking his dogs and another guy asks “excuse me are they Jack Russels?”
The owner quickly replies, “No, they’re mine!”
You know why the poor man couldn't play a walking bassline?
Because his flat is too small, and so there's no space for it.
People who stop walking in the middle of the way...
What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get around? Walking.
An idiot goes walking through the woods...
After a short time, he realizes he is hopelessly lost. He gets hungry, but with no knowledge of a way to gain food, he decides to resort to cannablism. He begins to eat his arm, but soon finds he is satisfied and no longer hungry. This idiot in the woods was full of himself.
The number of people who are injured each year while walking drunk
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
I tried to bargain the walking boots down to $5 for the pair.
The shop owner told me to take a hike.
Last October, I was walking through the cemetery and I came across a trash can where someone had thrown out their Kraft halloween monster themed mac and cheese...
It was the mac.
It was the monster mac.
the monster mac
was in the graveyard trash.
I keep walking into windows
Two electrons are walking down the street
The first one stops and says 'Oh, no! I think i've lost an electron!"
The second one says 'are you sure?'
The first one says 'Yeah, I'm positive'
He is even walking himself out, what a gentleman.
A guy is walking along, and he continues to walk. Eventually he walks into a well. Why did the guy walk into a well?
He couldn’t see that well
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking alone in the park last night?
Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought to myself, “The streets seem strangely desserted…”
Two peanuts were walking in an alley
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
My wife told me, “Its over”, and started walking out. I just sat there.
I love watching the end credits.
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
My wife just said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me —-I just sat there.
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
Two peanuts were walking down the street
How does harry potter goes downhill, walking
Two pretzels were walking down the street...
Two peanuts were walking down the street
2 peanuts were walking down the street.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Two peanuts were walking down the street...
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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