So after becoming a father, my dad and I were talking about how we couldn’t believe any man would walk away from his kids. My dad says dead beat isn’t a good enough name so he asks me what they should be called. I said:

A joke, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjmaxal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Anytime I tell a terrible joke to my kids, I walk away from them and yell it from across the room.

If they groan, I say, β€œI think I took this joke too far.”

πŸ‘︎ 387
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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I asked my friend why did he walk away from his last job.

He said that his wage was so low he couldn't afford a car.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/woyteck
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2017
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Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.

While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
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Me: So would you say this is a cup...cake? Wife: Sighs and walks away

https://preview.redd.it/8ppw52plovi21.jpg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dca9d9190f206d5164191b6da515bbb67772c7ba

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exekiel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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A terrorist walks into a bar and says I'm so excited to show everyone this cool bomb they're gonna be blown away!!
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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I made a service clerk walk away.

There is a CVS about a 5 minute walk from my house that I like to get my convenience shopping done at with these auto-checkout kiosks that always lock up. I scanned my drinks and like clockwork the machine started beeping that somebody would be available to assist me shortly; the machine had locked up. A young girl scans her ID to bring it back to functionality and asks if I needed any further assistance.

I pointed to my reflection in the window and said "No thanks, I'm going to finish checking myself out and be on my way" and flexed a bit

It took her a second, but once the guy in the photo department started cracking up she got it. I laughed all the way home.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nemesis0320
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2014
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Ran into this one and wanted to walk away in disappointment

I was on my phone and saw a link from /r/whoadude about how big the moon is and I showed it to my dad and said "Wow that is how big the moon is!". He said "No. I think the moon is bigger than your phone."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/curtissimpson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
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A pirate wanted to celebrate his captain’s birthday, so he bought a large quantity of balloons while ashore. Back on the ship, he walked over to hand the balloons to the captain, but he tripped and most of them floated away. The captain said, β€œArrr! That was a costly mistake...”

β€œWe lost a lot of doubloons.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unfussed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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What do you call a group of rabbits that are walking away?

A receding hare line

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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My husband and I were eating chips when our toddler requested one. So he gave her a chip and she walked away.

A few minutes later she came back and my husband wasn’t paying attention so I said β€œgive her another, dad.” And he responded with β€œwhat’s wrong with the dad she’s got?”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/egb233
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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My daughter came up to me and gave me a high five, then smiled and walked away

Without giving me a bye five. :(

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucioboops3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 369
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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Interestingly I saw a tree today wearing a dress. After racking my brain I finally just walked away.

It was a Miss Tree to me.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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I was walking away from McDonald's with my drink sipping from my straw and I heard the lady tell the guy behind me that there were no straws left

This was the last straw

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alpha_Dynamite
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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Walking away from clocks is my favorite way to pass the time
πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLovableMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
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The sheer number of drunk people walking away from bars every night must be staggering
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thoawaydatrash
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2017
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Got a math assignment from my teacher the other day...

When I glanced over the assignment , I noticed one of the problems was missing.

I waved down the teacher, and he came over and said, "Everything looking good?"

I said, "I don't see a problem here."

He looked at me and said, "Great!" and walked away.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayWolf85
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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What's the difference between a white penguin and a black penguin?

A white penguin is coming towards you, while a black penguin is walking away from you.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Dad joked someone so hard they actually walked away from me today..

Executive Assistant comes over. Says, "oh, no! You don't have a Halloween costume! We should make you something here,"

I panicked a bit and looked around the office, thinking what could make an impromptu costume: pens...tape...notepads...books...books!

I turned to her and said, "well, I could tape a book to my face and be Facebook." She stopped a beat, patted my arm, and walked away.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darude__Dude
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
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Then he just shook his head and walked away...

My boyfriend was looking for his loop (also known as a jeweler's glass) I wasn't sure what it looked like. When he found it:

SO - "This is a loop."

starofelendil: "A what?"

SO: "A loop"

starofelendil: "A what?"

SO: "damnit"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/starofelendil
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2014
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She just rolled her eyes and walked away.

Wife: Your daughter somehow removed one of her socks while she was wrapped up in her sleep sack last night.

Me: Really? I wonder how she pulled that off.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/badgolfer503
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2014
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The wife walked away after this.

We were gift shopping and passed by the board games. I looked over at my wife and said "hey honey, i heard Harrison Ford loved this game". After she looked over, I showed her a white box with the name iKnow.

She growned, I laughed. She left the general vicinity and i lost track of her for a while.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dokpsy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2015
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She just groaned and walked away

Wife and I were at the supermarket yesterday and the broccoli had run out, just little broccoli crumbs left

Wife says: "man, what happened to the broccoli"

me: "looks like there was an abroccolypse"

All i got was groans. I had to repeat it 3 times.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/desultir
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2016
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Just dad joked the owner of my company

So I'm normally an electrician by trade, but work has been slow lately, so I've been helping one of his friends with some of the concrete work in a small housing development close to the shop. Well he came out and started talking to me about what I've gotten done since this morning, I told him and he goes "This is getting you great electrical experience!" I kinda laugh and reply back "Yeah, I'm learning all about grounding." He turned and walked away, but I about died laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnybanana88
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his β€œpromposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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The best way to get dad joked:

I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.

I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?

She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.

So I say, not yet I'm dirty.

She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:

Hi! um...

wait a sec,

um, I know um,

um, wait.... dir...

[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]

Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!

I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...

It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had... she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then...

It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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So I was talking to my friend yesterday about their recent accident

They told me that recently they had come into ownership of a small ball of string. At first, they thought nothing of it. One day, they walked into their house and the ball of string was on the table, when they had specifically left it in a closet. They put it away again, but the next day when they came home from work, the ball was on the table again. It kept happening, and eventually it became a sort of game for my friend. They'd leave it somewhere they thought it could never come back from, and return to find it on their table.

Then it began to appear in other places.

It appeared in the middle of a company meeting. One moment, the table was empty, the next, it had a ball of string in the middle. While driving, they spotted it in the back of their car. They saw it inside of a vending machine. But at the end of every day it would return to their table.

Eventually, my friend decided enough was enough. They took the string, and threw it off a bridge into a river. As they were driving home, a car swerved and hit them, wrecking both cars. My friend staggered to check on the other driver, and all he found was a small pile of soggy string on the seat.

After that, he never saw the string again.

So after he told me this tale, I turned to him, and said, "Wow... that was quite a yarn."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justcaleb2001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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8yo nephew's an early bloomer. Gets home, tells his dad, "There was a kidnaping at school today." Dad: "What!?!" 8yo, dead serious, -

"It's okay, dad... He woke up." Doesn't even smile. Walks away.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NemoKozeba
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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Just yesterday, daughter was arguing over dishes.

I told her she didn't have to open that can of worms, and we wouldn't be trying to de-bait now.

I walked away laughing, and daughter face palming.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goalie_deacon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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My 7yo just pulled an UNO reverse dad joke on me.

Homework time.. complaining, I don’t wanna, etc.

Me: Nicky, I’m getting upset.

Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, I’m Nicky.

Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.

πŸ‘︎ 779
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AirCatcher
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Dad jokes...on him

My father is fond of jokes and pranks (even though I only pretend to laugh .-.) but there's this story that I always would genuinely laugh at whenever it is brought up. So here it goes...

We've always gone to Church every Sunday when we were kids and on one of those Sundays, my father decided to make my mother laugh by shaving only HALF of his beard. So while the other side has hair, the other is shaved. He casually walked up to my mother and asked if he looked good in his "new fashion style." My mother laughed so hard she couldn't breathe.

When that was over, we got ourselves ready and went to Church. While praying, there was a bunch of people looking at my father. He noticed that as soon as he looked at those people, they'd cover their face, bow their heads and walk away. He felt weird. So he got into this 'thinking position' where he had his hands to play with his beard. And that's when he realized...HE FORGOT TO SHAVE THE OTHER HALF AT HOME AND NO ONE NOTICED UNTIL WE GOT THERE. HAHAHHAHAHA He was so embarassed, he covered his whole face until mass was over.

That's all folks. Thank you for coming to my dad talks .

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thecember
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc.

The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Good_Creeper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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This just happened at a softball game and didn’t get the props it deserved.

My son was playing with a fly. It’s wings were messed up so it couldn’t fly away. He was holding it and said, β€œDaddy, this fly’s wings are broke.” I said, β€œthen it’s not a fly, it’s a walk.”

I got utter silence from the people around me, though my daughter giggled a little.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UmraTiwil
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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I was walking up the aisle at my local Home Depot and spotted a cranky looking old man in an orange vest.

β€œExcuse me, could you help me?” I asked.

He grunted in response, barely looking at me.

β€œUm, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”

He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, β€œDo we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.

I took a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgold0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A conversation from today while attending a free santa picture event at my wife's workplace.

Lady- how old is your daughter?

Me - 5

Lady - when does she turn six?

Me - on her birthday

Lady (mad that she got dadded) when is her birthday?

Me - every year.

Wife and Lady both just sigh and walk away.

Sorry for format, I'm on mobile.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/enis_with_a_p
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my personal trainer for another way to work my trapezius muscles besides doing pull downs...

He shrugged and walked away.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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"Dad, could you make me a hamburger?"

"ABRACADABRA! You're a hamburger!"

This is his favorite Dad joke. I learned at a young age to say "Dad, could you cook me a hamburger"

πŸ‘︎ 235
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DapplePony
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2013
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 253
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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Atheists

So yesterday my dad opened the door to 2 guys asking for money. They asked him to donate for atheism. My dads reply was this, β€œI thought Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” They smiled and walked away.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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