Waitresses Wanted Puns

No, but I’ll wrestle you for it.

My wife said yes. I said we're happy with the kids we have, thank you. I then realized I could FEEL the desire to harmlessly embarrass my children in front of other people. It's happening!

I replied.."Any Style".

"No, I was hoping you'd just give them to us, for free."

Dad: No. But I'll wrestle you for it!

A1C por favor

I told her I’d rather wrestle her for it instead

My Dad, every time: "I'm not a very good boxer... but I'll wrestle you for it."

And “Pop!” goes the weasel.

I told her I wanted it cooked on a stove.

Dad: Down..

My wife says, "Uhmm.. a super salad? Is that like a really big salad?"

I said no I don't want the super salad, I'll just take the regular one.

I took my mom and her sister Connie to a popular retro diner. When my aunt ordered a burger, the waitress offered a patty melt or wrap due to shortages. I quickly interrupted “My Auntie Connie don’t want none if you don’t got buns, hun.”

A trucker came into  a Truck Stop Café and placed his order with the waitress. He said "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said.  "'three flat tires' mean three pancakes; 'a pair of headlights' are two eggs sunny side up; and 'a pair of running boards' are 2 slices of crisp bacon!"

"Oh.. OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

Two Italian restaurants operated on the same street. The other chef was certain that the other one had stolen his recipes so he payed a visit at his competitor’s restaurant.

He got served with nice plate of spaghetti and the waitress said: “This full pl8, I’m sure you can appreci8. It’s so gr8. Now just dig in don’t hesit8, I sure you don’t want to w8”.

The chef looked at the waitress and asked: “Is that a copypasta?”

...and we just asked for another bottle of wine:

Waitress: Do you want the same one?

Dad: No, we want a full one, that one's empty.

Classic.

If I go out to eat with my dad and we have any leftovers, I know every time what's going to happen.

Waiter/Waitress: "You want a box for that?" (Sounds like "You wanna box for that?")

Dad: Raises fists into traditional boxing pose "I think I can take you."

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

A man walks into a diner and sits down. The waitress approached him and asks him what he would like. The man replies: “I want a quickie!” The waitress tells him that what he said is very rude and to be serious. The man asks for a quickie again. The waitress gets mad and walks away. 5 minutes later she comes back and says: “Sir, last chance. What do you want?” The man says “I want a quickie!” The man behind him turns around and says: “Uh, sir? Yeah, I believe it’s pronounced QUICHE.”

I was out for a nice dinner at P.F. Chang's with a couple buddies to celebrate my birthday. I had decided to order the Shaking Beef, because it sounded delicious (and it was).

The waitress came to take our orders, got to me, and I asked for the Shaking Beef. When she asked how I wanted it, out of impulse, I replied "Shaking, not stirred".

Both of my buddies groaned and gave me shit for the rest of the night, but the waitress laughed, so it went okay. I was, and still am, proud.

My dad asked whether I didn't want the escar-stay, since we were just starting our meal.

The waitress laughed; everyone else groaned.

My dad - to this day - delights in embarrassing my sister and me any chance that he gets (of course). Though, admittedly it's much harder for him to do now that we're adults, but he still tries and sometimes succeeds.

My favorite thing he ever did: he took my sister and me out to eat and when the waitress came to our table he said, "Let me get this straight, my son can get anything on the menu that he wants?!" She said, "Well, yeah, of course." Then he threw the menu on the ground and with a shit-eating grin asked her to stand on it.

My sister starts laughing and said, "Dad, you're nuts!" Very quickly, he looked down like he was looking for something and said, "What, are they showing?"

I think that was probably his most masterful dad moment. He embarrassed me, then my sister and confounded the waitress all in the span of 30 seconds.

Eating at a soulfood restaurant and son ordered pigs feet (trotters) for the first time. Waitress asked him if he wanted hot sauce and vinegar. He declined and tried to eat the first one. He wasn't impressed. Waitress came back later and saw he was struggling and suggested he needed to put hot sauce and vinegar on them. He obliged.

When the waitress came back later to see if they were any better he said, "Yes. I guess I started out on the wrong foot."

Waitress: Do you want white or dark gravy?

me:(already knowing whats about to happen)Dark

dad:He likes his gravy like he likes his women,thick and dark. HAHAHAHA

occasionally we happen to have a dark thick waitress, but fuck it.

Dad: "I'll have the steak diane"

Waitress: "How do you want that cooked?"

Dad: "like this" pretends to be shaking a frying pan whilst making sizzling noises

Waitress: Genuinely laughs

I was eating with my folks last night. My dad wants to split a margarita with my mom. So he asks the waitress if he can order one. She then tells him that the freezing machine is down and he can't have one. I said, "Well that's not cool." The waitress rolls her eyes, and a tear streams down my dads face as he congratulates me on the joke. I've never been so proud.

So I am staying in Germany with a host family. I know little German and we all went out for lunch. I was looking at the seafood section and I took forever in deciding what I wanted, going back and forth between the salmon and the sea bass. I finally decided on the sea bass, and we order our food.

So some restaurants in Germany are a lot more casual than American restaurants, and you sometimes seat yourself and the waiter/waitress will bring the silverware and napkins to you later. So when I saw the waiter bring over a plate with silverware and napkins on it, he placed it in front of me, to which I naturally said:

"Well, I could have sworn I ordered the sea bass."

My host family literally died laughing.

When the waitress asked of we wanted to look at the desert menu or get the checks, I responded:

"In the spirit of this being a German restaurant, we'll take the Czechs!"

I was at a pub restaurant and we had just finished our drinks. The waitress comes over to the table and says,

"Let me just take your glasses away for you!"
I then hand her my vision-correcting glasses and said "Don't know why you want these but sure here you go".

My table wasn't happy with me.

At dinner with wife and parents-in-law.

Mother-in-law to waitress: I'll have the half slab of ribs

Waitress: Okay

Father-in-law to waitress: You didn't ask which half she wanted!

Eating lunch today with my Mom, Dad, Aunt, and Uncle. My Dad pays for the entire meal, so my uncle asked if he included a tip (wanting to pitch in some for the meal). Dad says "Nah, she probably knows way more about waitressing than I do." Everyone groaned and left the table

The waitress was taking orders and I asked for wings. I ask my dad if he wants any wings and what flavor. He says, "nah, I'm not much of a wingman... Get it? Wingman? hehehe" He looks at everyone expectedly. Everyone in my family, my mom, my brothers, my sister, and the waitress just stare at him in utter amazement.

When the waitress hands us the bill and says you can pay this whenever you want. I reply, is tomorrow ok with you.

[We have just finished our meal]

Waiter/Waitress: Is there anything else I can get you?

Dad: Nope, that will be all, thanks.

[Waiter/Waitress hands us the bill]

Dad: I said I didn't want anything else...

(Sitting in a Chinese/Thai resturaunt.)

Me: Hey I already ordered, do you know what you want? Her: No....I kinda want curry but I want phó too. Me: Well you better curry up, because I'm starving!

(Laughs from me and the waitress, hateful look from her)

Ordering breakfast with my SO and his dad

Waitress: Okay, what type of bagel do you want?

SO: Poppy

Dad: Who, me?

My BF clearly wants to be a dad. In Prage last week:

Me (to the waitress): Could we have the check please? BF: She already is a czech

Waitress look odd at us

Whenever my family goes out to eat, my dad normally orders a tall beer. The first glass is gone fast, leading the waiter/waitress to ask if he wants a refill. To which he responds: "Yeah, this glass had a hole in it. Better get that refill!" He does this for every refill he gets, and the waiter/waitress gets more and more uncomfortable every time. I find it funny or whatever.

Dad: No, but I'll wrestle for it

He replied "In a pan"

I reply: Perfect, I'll take the SUPER SALAD.

Dad: "Once I got in a fight at a restaurant." Son: "How?!" Dad: "The waitress asked if I wanted a box for my food..."

Waitress: (to my dad) Would you like your meat well done?

Dad: Well I wouldn't want it badly done, now would I?

The waitress said to my dad at dinner after he ordered his meal "What 2 sides do you want?" My dad came back with "Left and right."